Dominic George: New legislation opens a can of worms

Dens of danger include worm farms.

The idea of a Farming Show trade union was gaining traction there for a while.

I even had an offer of help from some current union organisers to get the thing off the ground. However, like most of my good intentions, it drowned in a pool of laziness and low ambition. All manner of Farming Show listeners and correspondents, of all political persuasions, expressed a desire to join and get the union launched, but alas, it's on the backburner for now.

However, it has been mooted by a correspondent or two this week that the Farming Show should set up a health and safety committee in light of the laughable legislation currently under debate in the House.

In a nutshell, the Health and Safety Reform Bill stipulates that workplaces which fall into a high risk category will be required to have a health and safety officer. Workplace Relations and Safety Minister Michael Woodhouse has qualified sheep, beef and dairy farms as low risk, while dens of danger like worm farms and lavender orchards are classified as high risk. You can imagine the field day us, and others, have been having with these absurdities.

Only the most fervent blue-bloods have had the stones to try to defend the indefensible on this occasion.

At first thought, it sounded to me like a stupid idea -- a Farming Show health and safety officer -- what possible dangers could lurk between an office, a corridor and a radio studio? However, upon reflection, there are numerous dangers lurking in every dark corner that need addressing.

First among them is the incessant babbling of sales reps. Apart from the damage done to the eardrums through constant verbal aggression, there's the psychological aspect that needs addressing. Having to explain things like what time your shows are on, what shows you're actually on, the basic premise of "red light on means don't come into the studio", and trying to turn their dynamic idea for a competition into even semi-listenable radio, is a serious intrusion on the mental health. At Farming Show HQ we've separated ourselves from the reps by positioning them, in Game of Thrones parlance, north of the wall, a divide separating the studios and offices from the sales pit. Unfortunately, the wall isn't a 70 foot tall, unscalable fortification made of ice. More's the pity.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak ... The office I share with online editor Hanoi Jane, disparagingly labelled The Dommune simply because its inhabitants aren't goose-stepping fascists, is an accident waiting to happen.

The infamous Gray Nicolls scoop is still causing injury, there are stray cords and wires almost everywhere you look and there's a disconcerting amount of cardboard and paper which I'm told is for recycling. I'm throwing it straight in the bin where it belongs.

Then there's the issue of Jamie Mackay's fanboy antics. If you're the Prime Minister, a former All Black or someone with a large profile or bank account, then Farming Show HQ can be a dangerous environment to enter. It makes the need for a health and safety officer paramount as the risk of assault upon entering the workplace is high.

In fact, it's important to save Jamie from himself as the likelihood of him tripping on his own tongue when a high profile guest arrives could cause him serious injury.

I'm nominating Hanoi Jane for the role of H&S officer as she's already had extensive experience as the building's fire warden. For the past five years, she's fought a losing battle trying to convince the 20-odd staff around the office to vacate the premises, in spite of the ear-piercing alarm and obvious need for action. Her biggest challenge? Trying to get that paragon of stubbornness Mackay down the stairs and on to the street for the roll call. As a result, her fire warden motto has become, "well, you can burn then". And this is the attitude H&S officers should take -- tell them once, encourage on-going common sense and leave it up to the individual to decide his or her fate. If you're not willing to get yourself out of a burning building, there's nothing anyone else can do to help you.