KEY POINTS:
What you need
* A home to renovate, extend or rebuild in order to create the palatial fantasy of your domestic dreamscape.
* An inflated opinion of your own abilities, grandiose intentions for all projects being undertaken, unrealistic expectations of the value that will be added, a willingness to live in a construction zone for much longer than anticipated - and much more money than you originally intended spending.
* A paint-splattered sweater, paint-splattered shoes, a small, paint-splattered transistor radio to listen to cricket, racing or talkback radio, a pair of paint-splattered shorts/pants to adequately display the builder's crack when bending and a paint-splattered tool belt (even if you only have a hammer and nails, chicks dig a tool belt). Friends who own things that can be borrowed for extended periods (ideally, without noticing they're missing).
What to do
Pick up a few interior design - or, as some call them, "dwelling porn" - magazines, point to your favourite "hot look" and, in a similar fashion to the wheelchair-equipped Andy in Little Britain, repeat: "I want that one. No, I want that one." Upon completion of the project, wonder why your house doesn't look like the one in the magazine and start a campaign blaming the unattainable, unrealistic images of homes being portrayed in the media.
* For those looking for a more tangible form of inspiration, visit a selection of open homes in the neighbourhood, not just for renovation ideas, but also to judge the occupants of these houses based solely on their material possessions. Figure out what it will take to outdo them in order to win the abode section of the "human race".
* Sit down and work out how much your renovations will cost and how long they will take to complete. Times both these figures by three. Unknown to most renovators, paint, as well as making surfaces change colour, also has underestimated structural bonding properties.
* Invoke the skills learned as a young artist at pre-school by mixing together off-tints, or "leftovers", from paint shops in order to create new, vibrant "ping" colours that capture the imagination and make guests a little queasy if they look at them for too long.
* Water-based pundits will tell you that proper preparation is one of the most important parts of the painting process. This statement, although filled with alliteration, is incorrect. As a rule, colourists say the darker the paint, the more effective it will be at covering things. Also good at covering things are carpet, boards, walls, curtains, rugs, plaster, furniture and posters.
* When it comes to DIY, there are two types of people: Buyers and borrowers. It is estimated that borrowers outnumber buyers by 3 to 1, so knowing buyers with a trailer, a ladder, some power tools, paint brushes and sausage rolls is imperative if your DIY project is to succeed. After the supplies have been pilfered, test your luck and ask the owner to come and help with the renovations too.
* For those renovating a house in order to make money, be sure to purchase at least three self-help books and pay $8000 to attend a seminar run by shysters so that you may be guided through the process of harnessing the secret financial power of the property market and gaining immense wealth.
* Being a traditionally masculine pursuit, stubbornness and unflinching self-belief come with the DIY territory. Only acknowledge the need for professional help when the "renovations" have gone completely pear-shaped and the house fails to shelter the inhabitants from the elements.
* Remarkably, all tradespeople are alpha-males (even the females) and, much like a silverback gorilla, they cannot help but assert their dominance over inferior DIYers who have the audacity to think they can do their job. Scientists know this trait as "tradesman's contempt".
* DIY is often said to be a labour of love. But it can also be a harbinger of deep and burning hatred between loved ones when things don't go according to plan. On the bright side, however, if humbled renovators are philosophically and fiscally opposed to paying tradespeople top dollar to fix up their faux pas, just send in an application to one of the numerous "we'll do your house up in a day" reality TV shows and hang your hopes on some rushed, poor-quality job being done for free.
* For larger DIY projects, such as barn raising, you might need more than just the Y. Ideally, the self-appointed foreman will be able to procure a crew of volunteers for a working bee by playing on the sense of obligation felt by relatives, friends and even some work colleagues.
* For those with lazy friends who have no loyalty and would rather roll in stinging nettle than help fix your house on their day off, offer foreign workers help getting their New Zealand citizenship in return for a few coats of paint, or pay desperate students a paltry sum and order them to carry as many heavy objects as possible.
* Main rooms need a focus. An open wall in the lounge displaying pink Batts and electrical wires or an old bath sitting in the kitchen does not count as a focus.
* As soon as a project is completed, the spiral of decline instantly begins, so, almost like trying to read everything on the internet, once you start, the renovations will never end.
* And while DIY is often said to be fun, rewarding and satisfying, these words are just euphemisms for tedious, stressful and dangerous.
What to say
* Every morning, before starting work on the renovations, extensions or buildings, face towards Mecca and chant the DIY mantra: "It's amazing what a lick of paint can do, it's amazing what a lick of paint can do, it's amazing what a lick of paint can do ... "
* At social gatherings say: "Well, at the moment, I'm actually writing a novel and renovating my house to an exceptional standard." Cads should reply with: "Neither am I." Chortle together loudly.
* When renovations come in at three times the budget, justify the extra expenditure by saying: "I think my aspirational affluenza is acting up again."
* If disappointed by the downfall of the "working bee" in modern society, wax nostalgic and say: "Men are just too frightened to do any bonding these days, simply because the world has been corrupted by feminism. I remember the good old days when Dad used to call upon a few mates from the rugby team to help dig a ditch, paint a roof or tear down a shed, only offering them beer, blackened meat and a few savouries in return for some hard yakka. Now, everyone's too busy being ironic and drinking flat white-a-cinos to ever get their hands dirty.
* "Ah, excuse me, lowly tradesperson, when will you be finished with that drill? It's awfully loud."
* If asked why the renovations are taking so long, either pin it on the unreliability of tradespeople or say: "It's a work in progress. You can't rush art. Plus, we've decided to stop halfway through and wait for the toddlers to leave home so they don't ruin all our hard work."
* After the first act of the renovation process, which should be the smashing of a sledgehammer through a wall as a symbolic gesture of the physical metamorphosis your house is about to go through, say: "Load-bearing? What do you mean load-bearing?"
* If old and/or critical of the building industry, say: "I'll tell ya one thing for true, they don't make em' like they used to. Those state houses, they're well built, they are, not like the leaky dolls' houses these so-called builders are putting up today. Couldn't build a good house if they tried."
* Dominant dads helping any of their grown children through the DIY process should say (preferably from the other room): "It sounds like you're doing something wrong." Next, grab the tool. "I'll show you how to do it." Belittle progeny regularly, show your vast expertise at every opportunity, and question their common sense during every task. Follow with: "I knew you wouldn't clean the paint brushes properly."
* Statistics prove that a cold, refreshing beverage after a long, hot day of DIY tastes up to six times better than a cold, refreshing beverage after a long, hot day of office work. Take a sip and be sure to say: "Ahhhhhh."
- OTAGO DAILY TIMES
