David Cormack: Christmas presents for our political leaders

Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern during her post-Cabinet press conference at Parliament, Wellington. Photo / Mark Mitchell

COMMENT:

It's the last sitting week of the year for parliament, so it would be my last chance to get all the political leaders Christmas presents to them.

If I was buying Simon Bridges a Christmas present, and it's probably important to clarify I sure as hell won't be, I think I'd get him a set of Garbage Pail Kids' cards.

You might think I want to get him those because he's a trash person who needs to get in the bin, but you're wrong. I want to get him a set of Garbage Pail Kids' cards because when I was at school having a set of those cards made you so much cooler.

It didn't matter how unpopular or unlikable you were, owning a set of these bad boys would make people like you. And if there's one thing that Simon needs finding something that will make people like him.

I might also get him a mirror. Again you could think this is because I think Simon is vain and loves to admire his own brylcreem coiffed hair, but no, that's not it. It's so he can keep an eye on Judith Collins as she lurks behind him with a knife, ready to plunge it into his back at any moment.

National Party leader Simon Bridges in his office, Parliament, Wellington. Photo / Mark Mitchell

For the Prime Minister I'd probably give her a few of those reusable shopping bags. If she's anything like me she probably leaves them all at home whenever she goes to the supermarket, and she also needs all the help she can get carrying this Government.

I also think a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle would be a good Christmas present for her. On the one hand, it's a slightly tricky thing to do, but on the other I think it's something she would definitely achieve.

James Shaw is a tricky one to buy for. He doesn't exude much of anything. I think I'd probably get James a garish multi-coloured novelty tie. It would mean he could wear a tie that wasn't that bloody green one he wears every day, and wearing it would probably be about the most exciting thing he's let happen to himself in years.

I'd also get him a piece of Che Guevara merchandise, maybe a t-shirt with Che's face on it? It's the perfect reminder of the Green Party's leftist tendencies, while also being a commodified money-making product of late-stage capitalism. Perfect for the Green Party member you're worried could go blue.

Marama will get tickets for a cruise trip so that she can experience a pleasant time on a boat, to balance out her time protesting on the Women's Boat to Gaza which was intercepted by the Israeli navy.

Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern during her post-Cabinet press conference at Parliament, Wellington. Photo / Mark Mitchell

I'll also splurge out on some Xero shares for her. When she ran for leader she promised she'd work hard on holding Labour to account, I haven't seen a bunch of that, so instead of holding Labour to account, she can profit from an accountancy company!

Now that Winston is suddenly the media's best friend and saviour, I'd buy him his pick of the media outlets currently up for sale. I'm sure he'd act with its best interests at heart and keep it running fairly and free of editorial interference.

I was thinking it might be time for him to also try heroin. Because a man who seems to be in as good a shape as he is despite a life of smoking, drinking copious amounts of whisky and eating all the steaks that the Green Parrot will serve, can probably survive anything. And the heroin high might make him more amenable to Andrew Little's ideas.

David Seymour's present is pretty easy. I'd get him a copy of Golriz Ghahraman's upcoming memoir "Know Your Place".

Act Party leader David Seymour at Parliament, Wellington. Photo / Mark Mitchell

If the title doesn't send a strong enough message, then maybe reading about a young woman who fled her homeland, landed in New Zealand and grew up to be a lawyer and MP despite being a woman of colour facing all the disadvantages that come with that, will impress upon him the importance of diversity and how making sure that angry old racists get their angry racist free speech and right to own military semi-automatics protected is potentially not the best idea.

I hope that all the politicians who leave Wellington this week and return home have a Christmas befitting the year they've had. If you've been nice, you get a nice Christmas. If you're been awful, have an awful one!

I hope they reflect on what sort of country they want New Zealand to be, and reflect on what sort of politician they want to be thought of as and then come back in 2020 and don't run a revolting cesspool of a campaign for next year's election like we saw in the UK, Australia, and the United States.