Danger: romantics at work

By ALICE SHOPLAND

Most people are spending more time at work than ever and hardly talk to their neighbours, so it should come as no surprise that the boy or girl next door is being superseded by the man or woman at the next desk.

Jasmine Marshall (not her real name), for example knew soon after starting her job that she and her immediate boss were attracted to each other.

But they found beginning a relationship under the scrutiny of dozens of gossip-hungry co-workers difficult and publicly backed away from each other.

They were so convincing that colleagues assumed the gossip had been incorrect, and the relationship was finally able to blossom in private.

Despite the trials of public exposure in the early days, Marshall recommends a couple tell one strategic person in the office grapevine about their romance once they are sure it is serious to end the anxiety of keeping it a secret.

"It's much less stressful if people know what's going on. But definitely no PDAs [public displays of affection] in work time," she says.

Suzanne Innes-Kent, relationship columnist for the Herald, says office romance is inevitable, "as work is one of the few natural meeting places left to people".

"Nevertheless, it is fraught, as it is confused with hierarchies of status."

Anecdotal evidence suggests that Clinton and Lewinsky-type clandestine affairs with a huge imbalance of power do taint the idea of office romance and lead to more secrecy than might be healthy.

Innes-Kent agrees with Marshall that it is beneficial for new office couples to be open with their co-workers and their employers, after some early "secret time" in which to establish that it is "something on-going enough to draw other people's attention to."

From the co-workers' point of view, she says, "secrets breed secrets, and office environments where the most important things are not openly discussed tend to become very toxic very quickly".

There are potential problems for an employer who is kept in the dark.

"For instance, if two people who are romantically connected are working with a third with whom they have a disagreement over some kind of policy, the third is likely to feel that there is not a fair sense of team dynamic operating.

"Employers may sometimes need protocols to deal with such issues."

Research on the internet shows that it is common in the United States for office liaisons, even those between consenting single adults, to be banned by workplace policies. But several human resources workers here had not heard of similar policies in New Zealand.

One American author, Jan Yager, suggests that even friendships with co-workers be developed slowly and be kept casual rather than intimate.

Yager implies that a colleague who is eager to become best buddies may be trying to get access to confidential information, and suggests testing them by sharing low-risk confidences and seeing if word gets around.

Most people would not want to be that cynical or suspicious, although such vigilance would be wise in some industries and professions.

Yager also stresses the potential perils of e-mail for anyone getting matey with a workmate.

"Because there is something about e-mail that causes men and women to let down their guards, before you hit the send button on your computer, reread your e-mail message and make sure it is appropriate as a business communication."

But meaningful relationships at work can boost productivity and employee loyalty, says a report by London-based career consultants Sanders and Sidney.

Respondents to the survey revealed that friendships were as important as pay and benefits in binding them to employers.

Working with the one they loved meant being able to car pool, spend lots of time together and know their love well because of time spent together at work.

There are negative aspects too, of course. Innes-Kent points out that a couple need a lot more in common than working together to provide the basis of a successful relationship.

Another down-side might be insufficient time apart. Many former office couples who now work separately report that although they are grateful to have met at work, having the same work experiences and colleagues does pall.

And that can make it hard to get away from work psychologically.

Jasmine Marshall recommends that anyone on the verge of leaping into an office romance consider the impact of a break-up.

"If it's a job you really really want to keep and you don't think you could keep working there if the relationship broke up, then it's probably not a good idea.

"It's hard to be that sensible, though, in the middle of falling for someone."