"Last week I suggested that New Zealand was the perfect setting for The Lord of the Rings trilogy due to its uncanny resemblance to a backwards Middle earth.
"Since then I have received literally hundreds of emails from Kiwis eager to dispute the central thesis of my argument.
"I have also been sent many unsolicited suggestions for new ways of becoming more intimate with myself.
"Following a visit from a Mr J. Lomu, careful reflection, and a short period of traction, I offer this apology:
"I apologise for suggesting that most of New Zealand could pass for the Middle Ages. Yes, I have been to Hobart on a Sunday. Point taken.
"I acknowledge that a Nobel Prize-winning New Zealander, Lord Ernest Rutherford, was indeed the first to split the atom. In Manchester, England.
"I too agree that the Australian farming method of wheat, eroded pasture and then salt does not constitute a modern system of crop rotation.
"I accept that Split Enz were a better rock group than Midnight Oil.
"I recognise Slice of Heaven as a high point of the songwriter's art. Compared with Rolf Harris' Six White Boomers it's almost opera.
"I apologise for the Warriors rugby league team. They are not your fault.
"Rupert Murdoch is an Australian. Ditto for possums, anything to do with cricket, and the Tampa. Especially the Tampa.
"That stuff about sheep? Just a lazy gag at the end of a long night.
"Although I will admit to finding ugg boots disturbingly comfortable. I shall seek counselling.
"I recognise that the three-hour epic The Fellowship of the Ring could not have been filmed in Australia. With our convict history someone would surely have nicked the ring in the first five minutes.
"The only thing I do not apologise for is suggesting that Dunedin was too dated to be in Walking With Dinosaurs. Even Kiwis agreed with that."
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