'I do not enjoy seeing you with bruises ...'

A former schoolteacher offers this letter, written to his partner a few months ago in an attempt to explain his violence to her.

Dear Sandra, I am writing this in reply to the question you put to me the other day. I will endeavour to be frank and honest. Well, how do I start?

As you know from your own experience, I've hit a woman before. More than once and more than only one woman. Why did I do it?

What snapped my normally sane mind to lash out at a woman whom I supposedly loved, cared for and respected and inflict physical harm on her?

Hopefully as this self-analysis progresses the answers may become evident and thus help to end this insidious cancer that lurks behind many a domestic curtain in this country.

As I write this I think of the potential consequences of such actions:

1. Physical harm inflicted on you my partner that, taken to its limits, could have resulted in your death.

2. The loss of respect and trust between us leading inevitably to either a dysfunctional relationship or a complete breakdown of the union altogether.

3. The shattering psychological impact on the children as they witness: a. the loss of a role model in one parent as they resort to violence; b. the loss of respect and possibly love for that parent; c. the breakdown in a partnership inevitably involving bitterness; d. the loss of their security blanket.

4. The economic cost to ourselves and the country as the basis for a secure society (that is, the secure, happy family unit) is eroded away.

Of course when I committed the violence against you I did not weigh the factors above as I hit you. I guess violent individuals are not logical and reasoning at the time of the violence, or should I hazard another guess and state that the majority of us aren't? I know it's probably of no consolation to you but those few men who do premeditate their violent actions should be behind maximum-security bars if they are not already there.

So I ask myself, if it's not premeditated, what triggers the violence in me, in an otherwise peaceful, likable, even lovable partner?

I have spent hours and hours in police cells trying to figure the answer out. You may not believe me, but during those lonely, anguished times I wonder endlessly why I have done what I've done to you, the children and myself. I do not enjoy seeing you with bruises or black eyes.

I do not enjoy hearing the plaintive, despairing pleading in my children's voices as they bear the brunt of the emotional damage, as they witness the physical harm and emotional abuse I inflict upon you. I do not enjoy my plummeting self-esteem and self-respect as I realise the consequences of my actions as I am led away, speechless and shamefaced, in handcuffs.

I sit in those cells in abject despair. "Good job," you may say. "You deserve it." I guess you're right. If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. A simple platitude, if you like, but one that still doesn't answer your question.

So why do men hit? I can't speak for other men, but I can try to explain why I hit and, more personally, why I have hit you. The reasons may hurt both you and me, but having understood those reasons, just maybe I can learn from them, in order never to repeat my violent actions.

As you know, unlike some men I cannot blame my upbringing. I was raised by loving parents in a stable, secure family unit. So no excuses whatsoever there.

After giving it deep thought I have come up with possibly three reasons, that, working in conjunction with one another, contributed to my violent actions.

The first is the influence of alcohol. As you are aware, alcohol reduces my inhibitions and rational thinking. By far the majority, but not all, of my violent outbursts have occurred while I have been under the influence of alcohol. Consequences of violent domestic behaviour recede into the foggy background of my mind if I have over-indulged at the time of the dispute. My temper becomes short, old wounds are rekindled and logic is put on the back-burner.

The second reason and arguably the most significant is my, or possibly our, failure to put into place constructive, positive strategies of our own devising that we can put into effect whenever we disagree about something - strategies that would avoid any form of abuse and instead provide solutions that we can mutually agree upon after a period of give and take from both sides. Our lack of foresight or ability to do this in the past, I believe, is a major factor in the triggering of my violence.

My third reason (nebulous as it may seem) is the threshold of my self-control in combination with a possibly deep-seated lack of self-esteem. In those times of arguments between us, when faced with perceived false accusations, false assumptions, lack of trust, frustration at my inability to get my point across to you and verbal and emotional abuse directed at me, my self-control suddenly evaporates and, as you are aware, violence has ensued.

In summary, then, to answer your question: I believe it was a combination of lack of self-esteem, lack of communication between us, my low level of self-control and the influence of alcohol that led to my periodic outbursts of violence against you. Whether these reasons I have outlined to you are explanatory enough in your eyes is up to you. I have tried to be as honest as possible from a subjective point of view to explain why I acted the way I did.

Please do not accept my explanations as excuses. There are no excuses, full stop, for physical violence by a male against a female. For the present, all I can do is apologise to you for past behaviour. That may seem lame compared to the hurt inflicted on all concerned, but at least it is a first step. I think, however, more important is that now that I comprehend my violent past behaviour and the reasons behind it, I have taken efforts within myself and with you to ensure that such actions will never again occur in our lives.

To ask you to accept this as the truth will take a long time in order to allow you to build your trust in me again.

However, I do believe we have something together of such value that I am prepared to wait for ever, if that's what it takes, to ensure that the bond and love between us survive the abuse of the past to be continually strengthened over the years and provide a shining example to our growing children of the way a stable, loving relationship should be conducted. My one fear is that the emotional scars I have inflicted upon them may be too deep for the change in my attitude to take positive effect but so far the signs are encouraging.

All my love ...

* The writer's name has been withheld. Sandra is not his partner's real name.