Computer-assisted carnage

Cars today are fitted with so many gadgets as standard, they can almost drive themselves.

Yet more people are dying on our roads and everyone is ringing their hands in angst wondering how to fix the problem. There's talk of banning cell phones while driving - texting I agree with, but talking is pushing the envelope is a bit much. Next we'll be told we can't eat in the car or have a mouthful of water.

I've banged the drum for years about the standard of driving in New Zealand and as far as I can see, it's getting worse by the year. If the Government wants to reduce the number of deaths on the road, teach people to drive, not answer multi-guess questions.

And raise the age at which you can get a licence. It was okay back in the 60s and 70s to get a driver's licence at 15 when a traffic jam consisted of two cars at an intersection. Back then there were only about two million people in the country and bugger all cars. Now, we've got double the people and about four to five times the number of cars.

The mental age of most of the teenagers I meet these days is about 12, and they have the attention span of a gnat and are easily distracted. The thought of someone who is easily distracted in charge of a tonne and a half of metal doing 100km/h worries me.

And talking about distraction, Henry Ford would turn in his grave if he knew how much added baggage car manufacturers have added to his invention (well, not quite his, but he made the car available to the general masses).

There are now more gadgets, gizmos, widgets, knobs, buttons, dials and switches in the modern car than you can poke several sticks at. Soon drivers will have to fit a small nuclear power plant to their vehicle just to power all the electrical stuff.

On a side note, imagine how much fuel you'd be able to save if the engine didn't have to power more electrical things than the average house has in it. Also, before anyone gets up in arms about how much safer cars are these days with all the traction control, ABS and electronic this and that - just remember how bad most people are at driving.

If you let the car make all the decisions, people will drive faster and faster and if something does go wrong they won't be able to get themselves out of trouble.

I would hazard a guess that cars today have more computing power than the Apollo 11 spacecraft that put Neil Armstrong and co on the moon.

Computer microchips are so cheap today you'll find them controlling just about everything in the modern car. They control fuel supply, air/fuel mixture, anti-lock breaks, traction control, combustion timing, seat belts, airbags, transmissions, gear changes, GPS systems, heating and cooling and getting in and out of the car.

Then there's all the in-car entertainment. Why you'd want an in-car home theatre with widescreen TV and surround sound is beyond me. There are automatic headlights that turn on when it gets dark and windscreen wipers that turn on when it starts to rain. You've also got heated seats that remember who's sat in them, complete with back massagers, in-car refrigerators, sunroofs and a lot more.

Mercedes have come up with a concept that in the event of an impending accident, the car takes over - seat belts tighten, air cushions inflate and the windows close. Sounds more like the proximity fuse of a claymore mine. Imagine if you're at a set of traffic lights and a car passes too close. Within seconds you're cocooned in the car and unable to move.

More worrying though, and we all know that computers can have a mind of their own, is what happens at 110km/h when the machine decides it's having a bad day and just does its own thing. You might survive the ensuing crash but what about all the other poor buggers your safety tank has taken out as it pinballs down the road?

If you think getting your laptop repaired is expensive, spare a thought as to how much it'll cost to find and get rid of a gremlin in a high-tech car's various computer systems.

Come to think of it, nowadays you're not buying a car; you're buying a modern house on wheels. No wonder the art of driving safely has got lost among all the gizmos.

Below are listed, in no particular order, some of the more ridiculous things car manufacturers are including in their vehicles.

EMERGENCY TRUNK RELEASE

Even the smallest of cars are having these fitted now as a safety device. In most two-seater sports cars you'd be lucky to fit a hamster in the boot let alone a child.

EXCLUSIVE SOUND SYSTEM IN A FERRARI

Why? The sound of a Ferrari 612 V12 screaming its head off should be more than enough music to the ears. It would be travesty to try and listen to a wailing Bono from U2 over a wailing 5.7-litre engine.

REV COUNTERS IN AN SUV

People carriers, or loser cruisers as my daughter calls them, are all fitted, almost as standard, with a rev counter. Having something that was designed for race cars in a vehicle made for the school runs and stocking up at corner dairies is odd indeed.

CONTACT PARKING ALERT IN A MINI

If you can't park a car that small without having to resort to a parking sensor you should stick to taking the bus, or buy a pushbike.

EIGHT-SPEED GEARBOXES

Most forms of race cars don't even have that many gears. The speed limit in this country is 100km/h, so you'll never need to get out of third. The ratios must be so close you may as well buy an automatic. Paddles on the steering wheel I don't mind, as it means you can keep both hands on the steering wheel. Much safer but please, not in car that develops less than 100bhp, that's just plain silly.

NECK WARMER

What is with Mercedes? When the top is down you can now turn on a heater that blows warm air on to the back of your neck. A scarf does just as good a job.