KEY POINTS:
Name: Ewen Gilmour, 44
Job title: Comedian, self-employed
Hours: 45 minutes of comedy a week
Pay: Sometimes I do it for free, sometimes I do it for $2500. The most I ever got was $10,000 for 46 minutes.
Qualifications: "You don't need any. It kind of helps to have been a second-year fifth former."
Career prospects: "You can get a job in radio, or television or newspaper, or you can pump gas. You can go from being a comedian to pretty much anything."
Describe your job.
My job involves being a magician with words. I reach into metaphoric hats and pull out metaphoric rabbits.
Your background?
I've been a truck driver, stone mason, car wrecker, orchardist and probably about 46 other jobs.
I never got fired.
Why did you choose to be a comedian?
My flatmates dared me to. My fist gig was at a Manukau bar, it was a comedy competition. People weren't really there for the comedy, they were there to pick up chicks.
The bouncer wouldn't let me in because of the way I was dressed, but I said, "I'm the show. Go and get the guy who's organising this" and he finally let me in. That bouncer, years later, ended up being in charge of the Iguana Bar in Whangarei, and he booked me for a show. When I got there he said, 'I'm the bouncer who wouldn't let you in.' So I got up, walked out, and hopped in my car and drove off. I did turn around and do the show, but he was freaked out.
Do you have to train to become a comedian?
Some people have to train, for others it comes naturally. I was very nervous to start with. I had no stage presence. I'm sure the audience didn't heckle me because they thought, 'If we do, he'll wet himself'. I still get nervous but it's easier.
Why is your job important?
It's good for your health to have comedians in society. Laughter gets your lymph nodes going, it gets rid of toxins in your body. And it's good for going on dates.
You have a good laugh and giggly time, and you're not actually doing anything yourself, the comedian is doing it.
What's the best part of the job?
Some bits are really good, like when you're onstage and you have an audience eating out of the palm of your hand, and there's laughter everywhere, there's not a feeling like it. And there can be free beer.
I like big theatres, I like doing the comedy gala opening. It's fun and there's 2000 people. This will be my tenth and I've made the television cut every time.
... and the worst?
There haven't been many, luckily. One bad gig and I've got to redeem it the next night, otherwise I'm giving up my career.
Once, when I was England, I had to do 35 minutes to a crowd that was silent. In the end I said, 'You guys have made feel like a really good librarian.' Then a lady at the back laughed and I said, 'Ssh, don't spoil it now'.
Can you be a full-time comedian in New Zealand?
You need other options and you have be dedicated. It is possible and it's getting better. It's about finding the venues - you've got to travel.
People know now that New Zealanders can be funny whereas we went into mourning for Billy T. James for a long time.
Do New Zealanders like to laugh?
I've been all over the country from Stewart Island to Kaitaia. Everybody likes to have a good laugh. And sour-faced people don't go to comedy shows.
Any injuries?
I fell off the stage once. I was telling a story about being on a kerb and I stepped back and the stage had run out. I didn't really hurt myself.
Are you a half-full glass or half-empty type of person?
If people have issues with this half-full, half-empty thing, they're using a glass that's too big. If they had a smaller glass, it would be full. I'm not an optimist, I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist.
What are your strengths?
Because I've had many jobs I'm practical, and handy to have in an emergency. Also handy to have if you have to sit around and wait for a long time, just for telling jokes and stuff. I hate waiting myself, that's probably why.
What's your advice for someone wanting to be a comedian?
Be funny and don't get too complicated. And be humble.
Where do you want to be in five years?
My wife and I are moving to Port Waikato. We might buy a bus and do a two-year tour of New Zealand, one for the North Island and one for the South, a week in Stewart Island and a month in the Chathams.
We'll be cruising. I might be mayor somewhere.
