Claire Trevett: Key goes for cringes in extra-curricular pursuits

Prime Minister John Key. Photo / Dean Purcell

Spare a thought for Bill English's family this Christmas, for he has come up with a belter of a way to spend the summer.

Within minutes of the final results of the first flag referendum being announced, English issued a press release which included this suggestion: "New Zealanders can use the summer holiday period to decide which flag they prefer."

Judging from the polls, most of New Zealand had already decided which flag they preferred. For some it remains Red Peak and judging from the reaction on Twitter, the fans of Red Peak will be spending the summer sulking about their dreams being thwarted by the will of the common masses rather than deciding on other flags.

Other ministers are also otherwise occupied. Education Minister Hekia Parata had schools to close down. Workplace and Safety Minister Michael Woodhouse was no doubt planning ambush visits to check dangerous worm farms. And like the other JC, Judith Collins had risen again and was preparing to spend the summer reading papers and applying to the Prime Minister for permission for her every move from shopping to picking strawberries.

Prime Minister John Key was to be free as a bird, having already made up his mind about the flag. He voted for the blue and black one which was eventually chosen. How thankful he must now be for his prescience, given it freed him to actually enjoy a summer holiday rather than spend it deciding which flag he prefers.

But judging from the first week after Parliament rose, Key might have been better off taking English's advice of more sedate pursuits than radio interviews. There's a fine line between his usual schtick and bad taste. Some thought his confession to peeing in the shower on Radio Hauraki would take some beating. But so far his end-of-year media slots have seen him climb into a cage with a comedian who promptly dropped a piece of soap and asked Key to pick it up. Key did so, although it was unclear whether he picked up on the rather distasteful connotations of the 'joke' - to prison rape. He followed that up by singing an excruciating version of All I Want for Christmas on the Edge.

Unlike the soap, the singing at least was moderately amusing, if painful. He could argue he had little choice in that one - it was either sing or pull a ponytail from an assembled line-up in front of him and he wasn't going to go there again. Of course he does have a choice: just say no. But he's dug his own grave when it comes to being a good sport.

While English ponders his flags and Key gets out a few more inappro-pro media ops out of his system, Labour leader Andrew Little will be applying buttermilk to his face to improve his complexion and rehearsing a talent in preparation for January's Ratana celebrations. That marks the anniversary of the birthday of the prophet Tahupotiki Wiremu Ratana. It also marks the start of the political year as politicians roll up for what Little rather clumsily described as a "beauty parade".

Hopes are now high Little will try to prove his description was accurate by turning up with his Mr Labour sash on and rolling before the paepae to go against the likes of Mr National, Mr and Mrs Green, Mr and Mrs Maori and Mr Winston. These hopes were spurred on by news Little was in the United States, ostensibly for work meetings. However, it has not escaped astute onlookers that the United States is the heartland of beauty pageants and Labour has been talking about giving its MPs more professional development opportunities.

Quite what Little's special talent might be remains to be seen but the competition is not strong if Key's rendition of All I Want for Christmas is anything to go by.

Having spent the last year somehow turning Labour's caucus from the Middle East into a comparative garden of zen, at least Little will have the "world peace" line down pat when it comes to the Q&A session.

Alas for Little, Key has got the early march on training in the swimsuit division. Key held a dress rehearsal while in Manila for Apec where he was seen wandering across the lobby of the five-star Peninsula Hotel in his togs and bathrobe. Just please, dear God, do not let a radio station challenge him to wearing a mankini at the real event.