New Zealand has the worst rate of family violence in the developed world. It gets worse every year over the festive season.
New Zealand has the worst rate of family and intimate-partner violence in the developed world. Over the Christmas and New Year period the number of incidents spikes dramatically. Fewer than 20 per cent are reported to the police - so what we know of family violence in our community over the festive season is barely the tip of the iceberg. Today we have a simple message - every Kiwi has a right to a safe, fear free and happy holiday. We are revisiting our campaign We're Better Than This, to raise awareness, educate, and give an insight into the victims and perpetrators. We want to encourage victims to have the strength to speak out, and abusers the courage to change their behaviour.
In New Zealand, children are present at about 80 per cent of all violent incidents in the home.
Sophie* knows that all too well - she grew up in a violent home, watching her mother and brother being beaten and berated almost every day.
Today, she shares her story to highlight the impact family violence has on children for the rest of their lives.
I also remember my mother trying to make Christmas perfect in the hope that he would not explode - but he always did.
No matter how amazing my mother was or how well behaved my brother and I were, him lashing out was always going to eventuate.
As a kid I thought that was normal. I knew that it didn't happen in every family, but for me, that was normal.
There is a build-up to Christmas and as a kid it's meant to be exciting. Everything on television is about Christmas, my friends would be so excited but for me, and even now as an adult, it was just a time of extreme anxiety - because I knew that in my house, hell was going to ensue.
It was just a horrible time of the year for us.
Growing up in that house, I heard more than I saw.
Most of it would escalate after I'd been put to bed at night.
He was really verbally and emotionally abusive, he would stand downstairs I could hear him just totally berating my mum, calling her all sorts of names, names that a kid should never hear one parent call the other.
It would go on for a long time. I used to think it was the alcohol that made him do that but now I realise that was him to the core - he didn't need to be drinking to be nasty.
He would lay into my mum for hours, throwing things at her, pushing her around.
She would spend hours making dinner and he would refuse to eat it, throw the plate at her and you would hear it smash against the wall or on the floor.
If I ever went downstairs to try and protect my mother I would see this look of total horror and fear in her eyes. She just wanted me out of there, I could see that she was thinking partly 'oh my God I don't want you to see this' and 'I don't want you to be hurt'.
So I would sit at the top of the stairs with the phone in my hand waiting. Sometimes I would call 111 and hang up just so it was on the phone and I could hit redial if I needed to.
It made me feel pathetic as a child, but ever more so as an adult.
That happened many nights - many, many nights.
The fights would go on until the early hours of the morning sometimes, he would just go on and on at her.
It was terrifying.
Most of the fights happened in the kitchen and I would be so worried that he would pick up a knife and stab her, or grab the frying pan and hit her with it and she would be really hurt.
I have a young child now and I look my child and think 'how could a parent do that to something so beautiful' - it just makes no sense.
We were middle class and from the outside looking in, I don't think people would have ever expected that was going on in our home every day.
I think I have spent my whole life telling myself that I'm not affected by it, because I didn't want to be. I didn't want to be a victim, I didn't want to let that crappy thing that I grew up with define my whole life.
But if I am honest, yes, of course I am affected.
I have a great deal of trouble trusting people. I absolutely jump at any loud noises, I freak out if someone grabs me from behind and occasionally I have punched people who have surprised me - it's my automatic reflex.
I have struggled with relationships and I am in the middle of a divorce. I was desperate not to marry my father and while my soon-to-be-ex-husband was not violent or abusive, he was very selfish.
I didn't recognise that until it was too late because I don't know what a good man is, what a good husband or a good father really looks like so I don't know how to choose that for myself.
I look at families that are happy and I am fascinated by them - I can't stop looking.
I grew up in a house where every day the thought was 'if he's happy enough, if I can make him happy enough he might not yell or scream or hit everyone tonight'. I was constantly trying to please that one person.
I have struggled with depression most of my life, and I was incredibly overweight for a long time - I ate to numb the pain, it was a coping mechanism.
I just wish with everything I have that my mum had been brave enough to walk away and know that we would have still loved her, that her family would have supported her.
Every day I wish that for her, and for us. Her leaving would have changed everything.
She has left him, she did that when my brother and I were adults. But I still worry that he is going to find her and kill her.
I genuinely worry about that even though it's been a long time since she was brave enough to leave him.
I know why she didn't leave though and I just want other women to know that if you are brave enough to live in that hell, my God you are brave enough to leave it.
I don't think this kind of stuff is ever really a ''secret''.
When my mother finally did leave I was amazed at how few people were surprised, or said ''oh it's about time'' or ''I wondered when she would''.
That made me absolutely furious, it proved to me that people did know what we were going through - family, friends and neighbours - and yet they did nothing.
They knew that my brother and I lived in that hell and they did nothing.
If you know it's going on, surely you've got to say something?
Please, try and make that difference, damn right it's your business, these are our kids, this is our future and you have a responsibility to look after people, especially those who are vulnerable.
I know people are scared of what the perpetrator might do to them but think about what that kid is going through every day, every night.
I was a kid that felt safer out on the street than in my own home with my own family and that's not right.
And I'm one of the lucky ones, one of the ones that got away.
*Sophie is not this woman's real name. But for safety and privacy reasons and to protect her mother, the Herald agreed not to identify her.
• Phone the police on 111 or ask neighbours of friends to ring for you • Run outside and head for where there are other people • Scream for help so that your neighbours can hear you • Take the children with you • Don't stop to get anything else • If you are being abused, remember it's not your fault. Violence is never okay
Where to go for help or more information:
• Women's Refuge: Free national crisis line operates 24/7 - 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843 www.womensrefuge.org.nz • Shine, free national helpline 9am- 11pm every day - 0508 744 633 www.2shine.org.nz • It's Not Ok: Information line 0800 456 450 www.areyouok.org.nz • Shakti: Providing specialist cultural services for African, Asian and Middle Eastern women and their children. Crisis line 24/7 0800 742 584 • Ministry of Justice: www.justice.govt.nz/family-justice/domestic-violence • National Network of Stopping Violence: www.nnsvs.org.nz • White Ribbon: Aiming to eliminate men's violence towards women, focusing this year on sexual violence and the issue of consent. www.whiteribbon.org.nz
How to hide your visit
If you are reading this information on the Herald website and you're worried that someone using the same computer will find out what you've been looking at, you can follow the steps at the link here to hide your visit. Each of the websites above also have a section that outlines this process.
• Phone the police on 111 or ask neighbours of friends to ring for you • Run outside and head for where there are other people • Scream for help so that your neighbours can hear you • Take the children with you • Don't stop to get anything else • If you are being abused, remember it's not your fault. Violence is never okay
Where to go for help or more information:
• Women's Refuge: Free national crisis line operates 24/7 - 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843 www.womensrefuge.org.nz • Shine, free national helpline 9am- 11pm every day - 0508 744 633 www.2shine.org.nz • It's Not Ok: Information line 0800 456 450 www.areyouok.org.nz • Shakti: Providing specialist cultural services for African, Asian and Middle Eastern women and their children. Crisis line 24/7 0800 742 584 • Ministry of Justice: www.justice.govt.nz/family-justice/domestic-violence • National Network of Stopping Violence: www.nnsvs.org.nz • White Ribbon: Aiming to eliminate men's violence towards women, focusing this year on sexual violence and the issue of consent. www.whiteribbon.org.nz
If you are reading this information on the Herald website and you're worried that someone using the same computer will find out what you've been looking at, you can follow the steps at the link here to hide your visit. Each of the websites above also have a section that outlines this process.
New Zealand has the worst rate of family and intimate-partner violence in the developed world. Over the Christmas and New Year period the number of incidents spikes dramatically. Fewer than 20 per cent are reported to the police - so what we know of family violence in our community over the festive season is barely the tip of the iceberg. Today we have a simple message - every Kiwi has a right to a safe, fear free and happy holiday. We are revisiting our campaign We're Better Than This, to raise awareness, educate, and give an insight into the victims and perpetrators. We want to encourage victims to have the strength to speak out, and abusers the courage to change their behaviour.
