By REBECCA WALSH
Sixteen-year-old Tamara has the best of both worlds.
Her parents are divorced, but she gets to spend time with both of them and she likes that.
"You can have a break from one of them and go stay with the other one ... it's like two totally different atmospheres."
She is one of a majority of children interviewed for an Otago University study who enjoy access visits.
The study of 107 children whose parents have separated or divorced found that more than 80 per cent liked their access visits and about 40 per cent were keen to see more often the parent they did not live with.
But the visits were not without their problems.
Moving from one home to another, not getting on with a step-parent, feeling let down, conflict between parents and not having enough to do were some of the children's biggest dislikes, the study by the Children's Issues Centre found.
Ninety-two of the children lived with their mothers, eight lived with their fathers and seven had a shared-care or joint-custody arrangement.
About 45 per cent of children whose access parents had a new partner said they had difficulty getting on with the partner and many wanted to spend more time with their parent on their own.
"When mum just had us, she was kind of like devoted to being our mum, and then he came along and it was like she was devoted to being with him, and so we kind of felt really shut out ... I felt like he was taking away my mum," 16-year-old Kayla said.
Fifteen-year-old Louise on step-parents: "I hated her. She was awful ... The couch that was there, Donna owned it and so it was sort of like her couch, so we had to sit there on these chairs but we sort of once in a while got to sit on the couch. It was like a dog, you know? Not allowed to sit on the couch."
But others who shared hobbies or interests with their parent's new partner were more positive.
Centre director Professor Anne Smith, who was one of the researchers, said that while many children reported "a lot of little niggles," they were prepared to put up with those things to see their parent, "provided there was a good, warm, loving relationship."
Conflict between parents was detrimental to good access visits but happened in only a minority of cases, she said. Children interviewed for the study described feeling torn apart or being stretched like a rubber band when their parents argued.
On average, about two-thirds of children saw their access parent once a fortnight or more often.
The research found that some children liked being able to take a break from the parent they lived with, but others got annoyed with packing up their bags and moving around.
Twelve-year-old Todd described it as being like "you step across to a different planet," while 13-year-old Colin spoke about "different rules, like what time to go to bed."
Professor Smith said some access parents perhaps tried too hard to entertain their children when they visited.
"We get the picture there's a lot of going on outings, treats, having to think of something fun to do ... They just need to be involved with their kids. They don't need to do special things with them all the time."
As 17-year-old Jason puts it: "What the problem is, there's nothing left to do around Auckland. We've pretty much done everything.
"Been to Kelly Tarlton's ... mini-golf up the road, McDonald's is no longer a novelty, Burger King, going to The Warehouse, things like that. It's just boring as hell."
Professor Smith said parents and those working in the legal system needed to be sensitive to the difficulties children faced when their parents separated.
Children of divorce learn to live in two worlds
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