Celebrate the man-woman difference

Women talk for rapport, men for report - understanding that is the key to effective business communication between the sexes, says JULIE MIDDLETON

Ask men what annoys them about their female colleagues, and expect this sort of answer: They're too emotional; not focused enough; they go into too much unnecessary detail; and they take themselves way too seriously.

Ask women about men and listen to their litany: They don't take me seriously; men interrupt or speak for me; they call me patronising names like "dear"; they just don't understand how I like to work.

Fatal reactions? No, says Australian business educator Candy Tymson. Men and women have not understood each other since the dawn of time.

And it's nothing to do with whether men and women are equal, and whether both sides need to change; that would be a futile fight against biological imperatives and conditioning.

Men and women just need to understand that they communicate in different ways. It's as simple as this: Women seek rapport, men want report, says Tymson. Both reach the same goals, but by different approaches.

Picture this office scene. A woman discusses an issue with others, seeking their input before making a recommendation to management.

She thinks it's important that all staff feel they have contributed to the decision, reasoning that this will make them more likely to support it. Her way is inclusive and persuasive.

Her male counterpart makes the decision himself with no apparent consultation, though he has probably sought information from others in an inconspicuous way before making a recommendation. His tack is: Follow me, troops.

The info-gathering man sees his female colleague's discussion with others and possibly thinks that she can't make a decision on her own.

The relationship-focused woman possibly thinks her male colleague is arrogant for making the decision without any input.

"The male style focuses on information - figures and detail," says Tymson. "The female style focuses on relationships: How do you feel, how could this affect us?

"Transferred to business, that [divide] becomes a major challenge," says the 50-year-old PR expert, who wrote the appealing and well-referenced paperback Gender Games: Doing Business with the Opposite Sex (distributed by Addenda in New Zealand).

She is in the country next month to pass on tips on bridging the gender gap at work.

We have to get to grips with the differences, she says, because not only do communication meltdowns cause enormous resentment and frustration, they are "totally non-productive" and wallop the bottom line.

Miscommunication is rooted in childhood socialisation, says Tymson. "Boys are taught to stand up for themselves, to fight, and girls are taught not to show off, not to be bossy."

Boys form hierarchical groups headed by a leader; women nurture best friends. And this all feeds, subconsciously, into adult exchanges.

Women, says Tymson:Have a story-telling style of speaking and think out loud.

Talk about how they feel about things.

Like to compare and share, using language to create connection and intimacy.

Take a multi-tasking approach.

Are process-oriented.

Want to ask the right questions.

Men: Think before they talk, and speak in report fashion.

Talk about things.

Use language to gather information, preserve independence and maintain position.

Take a single-task approach.

Work towards a destination.

Need to know the answers.

Here's a true-life story: the managing director of a food importer was complaining that his senior women had a tendency to come into his office, "dump" all their problems and leave.

Frustrated, he said: "I pay them to solve problems, not give them back."

Tymson says that in this case, the woman is simply discussing the issues. She knows she needs to find the answers, but talking about it helps her to work out the solutions.

Meanwhile, our MD has moved straight into solution-seeking mode. "Once I'm told about a problem I have to solve it."

He ends up feeling irritable because he thinks he's got to do her job. She gets cranky because she thinks he is taking away a responsibility of hers.

Men may have been in business life longer than women, but there is plenty both sides can learn from each other, says Tymson.

A questionnaire in the book, developed by Australian psychologist Helena Cornelius, helps to identify what your gender values are in business communication - where you lean towards male or female styles and attitudes in areas such as status and work style.

The real stars of corporate communication, whether conscious of their technique or not, "combine the male style of being direct and assertive and the female style of being collaborative and involving people in decisions", says Tymson.

However, to survive in what has so long been a man's world, "a lot of women have decided the way to get things done is to behave like a man", she says.

"My research has shown that it doesn't work, because they don't fit in either world. Men resent them, and women don't like them.

"When women act like men, they are perceived as trying to show the guys they are better."

In general, corporate types should make liberal use of the male way of getting straight to the point, staying focused and using succinct language, combining it with the female traits of building rapport and establishing relationships, especially in these days of relationship-driven business.

She illustrates with an anecdote about herself.

A government agency had engaged her to do some training, but cancelled twice with less than a week's notice.

Tymson had no agreement about cancellation - though she knew she should.

"My usual approach would have been to contact the client and go on with my whole story: 'I've done all this work, we've had to move the training days twice, the venue has been arranged several times ... "'

Instinct told her that wouldn't work with this particular man. But then he suggested lunch to discuss the future of the training programme.

"Over lunch, I used my best rapport-building skills - we talked about male/female communication.

"When the time came to talk about the training programme, I took a deep breath and simply said: 'I'll have to charge you a cancellation fee.' He said: 'No problem, how much?'

"I said: 'One day's training.' He said 'fine' and that was the end of the topic."

Adds Tymson: "I couldn't believe how simple it was, and yet when I thought about it afterwards it became clear ... that by combining the best of the male/female communication techniques, I got a good result."

* Candy Tymson speaks at seminars on April 16 in Christchurch, April 17 in Auckland and April 18 in Wellington. Contact Executive Events, ph (09) 377-5194.

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