The people making the rules are barking up the wrong tree over dog attacks. So says spokesdog HUMPHREY*.
I feel that I must come to the defence of responsible dog-owners following the fury about the spate of attacks on children. After all, I am man's (and woman's) best friend.
My owner has just received a letter from the Auckland City Council warning of an instant $200 fine under the 1996 Dog Control Act if I, or my partner in crime, Sydney - that has a new ring to it now - are found off the lead in a public place. This is supposed to reduce the risk of dog attacks.
"What rubbish," said I. Then I heard an MP on the radio invoking "natural justice" and my ears pricked up. Too right, I thought, that's for me. Natural justice means I am innocent until proven guilty.
I feel very sad about the horrible attack on the little girl in Auckland and wish to apologise on behalf of all my kind, if it would help. But calling for all dogs in public to be on a lead and muzzled is too much. I have never attacked anyone in my 10 long years.
Okay, I'll admit I chase cats - but everyone has to have a hobby.
I consider my owners to be pretty responsible. They feed us well and take us for two walks almost every day. Personally, I need a good burst of energy every day or else I'll turn into a couch potato.
Sydney has a bit of a weight problem (he's in denial) and he'll never burn off the calories on the end of a lead.
I also like a good swim - a great way to exercise now my arthritis is playing up. We always wait until at least 6pm in the summer so that there won't be as many people around.
Not that I bite. My owners know that dogs and people don't always mix and some people genuinely don't like dogs, though I can't imagine why. You can't get a very good swim on the end of a lead.
Before we moved here, we lived in a Canadian city that accepted the problem of balancing the needs of dogs and people. Some parks, or areas in parks, were designated "free-running", where my friends and I could meet and really burn off some energy.
People were more than welcome to join in, too. Giving dogs and their responsible owners options must be the sensible way to deal with the potential conflict between free-running dogs and free-running people.
When we moved here, Sydney and I had to stay in jail for one month. Next door was a dog from Argentina. Now, I don't speak Spanish but I can tell you, I wouldn't have wanted to meet him in the park - even if he was on a lead and muzzled.
I later heard that a dogo argentinas had attacked its owner. Since there were probably only two in the country at the time, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to work out the odds that it was my cellblock mate. Where was that Winston Peters guy when we needed him?
It is sad to have to admit that some of my species are mad, bad and dangerous to know, but they are just dumb animals. What's the excuse for the people who brought them into the country (or breed them), and those who let it happen?
Bans on some breeds sound good to me. Heavy fines or even jail for owners of dogs who attack sound good, too. And those extra animal control officers could be useful rounding up all those wandering dogs.
Instead, responsible dog-owners get warnings that they will pay the price for the bad apples.
It was ironic to see a story in the paper opposite the one about the horrendous dog attacks, about teenagers who beat a Japanese student and stole his car. Why not call for leashes on all teenagers?
And while we are on about cars, 403 people were killed by them in New Zealand last year. The answer to this problem seems to be the spending of billions of dollars on new roads to allow people to drive faster.
So why are the people in charge barking up the wrong tree over dog attacks? Excuse me if I don't understand - I'm just a dog.
My owner says it's about the way public policy is often made. Something about moral panics, fuelled by the media, putting politicians into "something must be done" mode to win voter approval. My eyes rolled up into my head at this point and I fell asleep.
But isn't my owner smart? Responsible, too. He reckons we'll take our chances off the lead, avoid busy public places for a while, and count on the fact that there isn't money to pay for animal control officers 24 hours a day.
Meanwhile, I hear that some guy named George (or was it Tony?) is about to unleash the dogs of war. That should give everyone something to chew on.
* Humphrey is a 10-year-old wolfhound cross and a minor celebrity among local dog-fanciers. He lives harmoniously in an Auckland suburb.
Herald feature: When dogs attack
How you can help
A trust fund has been opened for 7-year-old dog attack victim Carolina Anderson. You can send a cheque to: Carolina Anderson Trust Account, BNZ, PO Box 46-294, Herne Bay, or donate over the internet to BNZ account number 020 248 000 3002-000.
The Herald is backing an appeal to raise money for a $150,000 operating-room microscope for Middlemore's plastic surgery unit. The microscope is essential in minute plastic surgery work such as reattaching nerves. Middlemore has two, used on Carolina Anderson and the victims of the Pipiroa sword attack, but they need replacing. Donations can be sent to: The Microsurgery Appeal, Editorial Department, New Zealand Herald, PO Box 706, Auckland.
