A glimpse of ye olde Te Reo finally emerged at word 11, with Tiki Tour, then came aroha, haka, hangi and munted. Munted, as in wrecked and ruined. And here was I thinking it was a piece of Christchurch earthquake dialect. Last came hard case (see above) preceded by stink as in, "Oh dear, that's no good".
As a language aid to visiting diplomats and Rugby World Cup visitors now flocking into Auckland, the list seems a bit stink. Learning how to slip on your jandals and duck down to the dairy for a soft drink and kai and say chur - "cheers, thanks" - as you leave the shop is all very well.
But it's hardly going to help when the intrepid traveller ventures out of civilised Auckland and into the wop wops - otherwise known as the back blocks, or anywhere outside Auckland.
The first lesson a good rugby fan needs to learn is that a pint, as in a measure of beer, has no real meaning in the local lingo so don't spit the dummy when you get served rather less than the true imperial measure.
Unlike in Britain and Australia, a pint is not a finite measure of liquid, it's how small a helping a publican thinks he or she can get away with. A survey in last week's Herald on Sunday found pints varied in size from a 350ml handle at the Provedor in the Viaduct through to a full 568ml genuine "pint" at two CBD pubs, The Muddy Farmer and the QF Tavern.
There's another word travellers should be wary of - Jafa. After a day or two in Auckland a visitor would rightly surmise Jafa was an acronym for Just Another Friendly Aucklander.
However, as they travel out from this haven of bonhomie, the F in Jafa rapidly begins to represent a derogatory word not used in family newspapers.
Indeed, travellers who enjoyed themselves in Auckland would be wise to say they picked up their campervans at Mangere airport and fled the metropolis with their windows locked shut and blackened, without speaking to a single Jafa.
Jafas and other Kiwis do have one thing in common - a joint hatred of underarm bowling. If the subject comes up, visitors (particularly Australians) seeking a quiet life should knock back their pints and scarper.
This is Twin Towers stuff, the most infamous incident in the annals of sport. With a beer inside them, any genuine Kiwi sports nut will be able to tell you exactly where they were and what they were doing that day in 1981.
The day the Aussies bowled the final ball of a World Series cricket match between the two countries underarm, thus ensuring an Aussie win and 30 years of "we was robbed" from New Zealand.
Depending on the size of the pints - and their frequency - the discussion will inevitably drift into jibes about Aussies being descended from convicts which, however true, will then lurch into a slanging match about which country loves their sheep more. And not in a nice way.
Avoid these linguistic pitfalls and your visit to Godzone should be sweet az. To say nothing of choice, as well.
