Bob Jones: We're all slaves to the system, one way or another

Pope Fancis. Photo / AP

Last week's newspaper delivered a comical cavalcade of delights. First, two former Popes' canonisations, this stuff always good for a laugh. Their justifications: a woman's "miraculous" tumour cure through praying to one of these Popes with a record as a priestly paedophile protector, and the other, another "miracle", this a nun's problem fixed by her gazing at that Pope's photo.

We should sack all doctors, close our hospitals and send the patients home with papal portraits forthwith. Had I known there would be a million Pope-worshipper present, I'd have flown someone to Rome to flog them my authentic handwritten and signed gloating postcard Moses sent to the Pharaoh after he'd rescued the Israelite slaves. The bidding would have been ferocious. But the splendid ironic cap on these primitive proceedings came when one of these saint's statues collapsed on a sky bayer and killed him.

God, it must be fun being God, relieving the tedium with these imaginative antics. Should he ever need a break from Godding, he can zap me up to carry on the good work. I'd be in heaven, both figuratively and literally, dealing out further humiliations to these praying imposters in drag.

Not to be outdone by his Roman rivals, the Archbishop of Canterbury then weighed in, confessing to his life-long practice of talking to bees. He'll get the same response from them as from praying. All of this medieval witch-doctory contrasted sharply against another news item, namely Nasa's space probe measuring a change of speed by one 20th of a million metres per second, when passing through the gravitation field of a Saturn moon, an astonishing scientific detection but alas, no sighting was reported of an old bearded bloke in a nightie wafting about.

I continued reading and was elated by the next item. This recounted 76-year-old Nevada rancher Clive Bundy, a role model for the rabid American right, with the wisdom of age, proposing the reintroduction of slavery. That's certainly worth considering.

Bundy's target is black Americans whose idleness he had observed when driving past a public housing project. "I've often wondered," he mused, "are negroes better off as slaves, picking cotton, having a family life and doing things, or are they better under government subsidy?"

A damn good point, Clive, some readers are doubtless thinking, mindful of the contribution slaves in general have made, be it Aesop, the building of the pyramids and much more.

Slavery has been part of every society throughout history and still exists in parts of the world. Clive would take heart from the youthful Haile Selassie's experience following his enthusiasm to modernise then Abyssinia, this gloriously parodied in Evelyn Waugh's novel Black Mischief.

Abyssinia, now Ethiopia, comprised different tribal groups, some in a remote northern region, then beyond the reach of government. When the Emperor decreed slavery abolished, one tribe, whose social structure comprised interdependence with slaves, understandably ignored this. So the army intervened and the slaves were ejected from their respective households, the soldiers remaining to uphold the new order.

But they were forced to abandon their busybody intrusion after it induced great distress as the slaves now loitered, weeping helplessly outside their former masters' homes while the slave-owners, having no idea how to cook, let alone make their beds, meant both complementary factions began to starve. So the former tidy arrangement was restored to everyone's satisfaction.

Here's the point. As far back as Aristotle, who argued that all employees are de facto slaves, an observation also made by Ishmael in Moby-Dick outlining his servitude on the Pequod, most people are at least partial slaves, evidenced by the colloquialism "wage-slave".

Sensitivity to that was certainly my youthful motive, namely to be self-employed, answerable to no one and doing I cared not what, something increasing numbers of today's young now target.

I suspect numerous housewives, particularly in lower income families, privately harbour resentment at being virtual slaves to their families. As women's lib pioneer Betty Friedan wrote about suburban housewives struggling with family demands, "They must lie in bed at night and wonder 'is this all?"'

Nevertheless, the evidence suggests many folk actually prefer the certainties of self-imposed servitude, be it a priest opting out of life, an under-duress housewife or a young fellow joining the army. Alternatively, perhaps they make these choices too young and wake to their realities too late.

However, others will possibly say that like the Ethiopian slaves, they're perfectly content with their lot and do enjoy some leisure time. In fact, so have most slaves throughout history, reflected, for example, by the constant griping in late 19th century Cuban newspapers about drunken slaves cavorting in Havana on Saturday nights.

There's no doubt Clive Bundy may be on to something. Conservative Party leader Colin Craig should introduce this as a nice fit new policy plank, that is if an increasingly desperate David Cunliffe doesn't nick it first.