By REBECCA WALSH
In the weeks before her baby boy was born Jeanne Duffy-Jury chose a coffin instead of a pram.
Then she and husband Denis planned his funeral service.
It was not something they had anticipated doing, but 10 weeks before their baby was born, a scan revealed a chromosome defect, that would see him die within hours of birth.
"Our world shattered," the Mt Wellington woman says.
On December 8, 1998, she was induced. The baby's heart was still beating but early the next morning Alonzo Duffy-Jury died.
"Denis and I spent weeks crying before he was born and weeks crying after he was born. It's definitely one of the hardest things I have had to go through.
"If it wasn't for my husband I wouldn't have got through it. I shut down for nine months. I stuck at home and stuck around my family."
She says being able to take their baby home, hold him and take photos was invaluable.
"Basically that was all I wanted to do, hold him all the time. Even after he's buried you have this yearning to hold your baby."
For the first few months after Alonzo's death she spent every day at his graveside.
"That's where I wanted to be. I didn't want to be anywhere else. I met lots of other mothers and fathers. We had a little support group going on at the cemetery."
She also drew support from her family - Alonzo was not the first stillbirth in the family - and SANDS (Stillbirth and Newborn Death Support), of which she is co-ordinator for Auckland central.
Staff at the hospital were supportive but she says other people often didn't know what to say.
Often they would say nothing, thinking it would be better, but she says it's important the baby's place is acknowledged.
"You still have that joy of giving birth. You want to talk about it. It's just the outcome is not the same as most other people."
Next week the couple will visit Alonzo's grave to mark his fourth anniversary. Like every other anniversary, Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve they will light a candle.
Birthday shopping for a coffin
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