Audrey Young: Here they are - All Blacks of NZ Parliament

Senior Political Correspondent·NZ Herald·

30 Oct, 2015 04:00 PM5 mins to read

It is unlikely the 2015 parliamentary All Black team will ever be defeated because it will never get the chance to play at all. Photo / Mark Mitchell

Trade Minister Tim Groser once described New Zealand negotiators as "the All Blacks" of international trade policy. It needed no translation as meaning the world's best.

With the ink barely dry on the Trans-Pacific Partnership, they will have another chance to put their skills to the next test, in talks with the European Union.

After tomorrow's Rugby World Cup final, the Groser meaning of the accolade will remain more or less the same - the world's best or at worst, second best.

Groser himself has been a world class trade minister.

But with imminent retirement from politics back to the diplomatic corps from whence he arrived 10 years ago, he has been ruled out of contention for today's big announcement: the parliamentary All Blacks team, a cross-party team of MPs at the top of their game.

It seemed the only logical thing to do with the week completely dominated by the All Blacks, even politics: Andrew Little's stop-over to talk to China's leadership on his way to the All Blacks' final; the tragedy of former sports minister Murray McCully being distracted from the All Blacks' final by Middle East peace debates at the Security Council; and John Key's embryonic trade deal with Europe hatched on the way to the All Blacks' final.

It is unlikely the 2015 parliamentary All Black team will ever be defeated because it will never get the chance to play at all.

But if it did, this is the final selection:

Fullback

Steven Joyce

Like Ben Smith this is a job for someone with good judgment under plenty of incoming high balls and must know when to kick for touch. Joyce is also ably qualified for this pivotal role in charge of team defence but also counter-attacks and how to launch them. With the best view of the team, considers the big view.

Right wing

Winston Peters

Peters may not have the pace of Nehe Milner-Skudder but he earns his place because of his ability to look for action, rather than waiting for it. Has a good side-step and can still run rings around younger players. But his habit of being yellow-carded means back-up is essential. Labour's Kelvin Davis is his reserve.

Centre

Annette King

Like Conrad Smith, King may be in the twilight of her career but she is Mrs Reliable. Grounded. Commands huge respect.

Second five-eighth

Paula Bennett

As Ma'a Nonu is to Dan Carter, Paula Bennett is to Bill English. The associate finance minister exhibits natural flair and has the knack of knowing when to pick the gap and when to pass. Gutsiness showed through when she broke up a schoolgirl brawl at a shopping mall. Special dispensation to wear a leopard-skin jersey.

Left wing

Jacinda Ardern

Like the other winger, No 11 is one of the glamour roles on the field. Like Julian Savea, she has achieved a big reputation in a short time and knows how to steal the limelight. Lots of style and a big future.

First five-eighth

Bill English

May not emulate Dan Carter as the best male model for underwear but anyone inside the team knows that like Carter, English is running the show on the paddock, making the big calls about direction.

Halfback

Ron Mark

Ron Mark was born to the role of half-back, like Aaron Smith, short, annoying, scrappy, lippy, always barking at the team, getting the forwards into the right position, and giving backchat to the referee.

Number 8

Grant Robertson

A great all-round player whose not insignificant brawn, like Kieran Read's, should be just as valuable as his intelligent approach to the game. A future captain in the waiting.

Open-side flanker

John Key

Not as popular as Richie McCaw but has the same level of commitment and competitiveness to the game, leading by example with no let-up from start to finish. High level of intelligence not always apparent behind common demeanour. Like McCaw, has the ability to engage in dirty play but clever enough not to get caught.

Blind-side flanker

Andrew Little

One of the strong men of the team. Plays a muscular role but with flashes of finesse like Jerome Kaino. Total commitment to every task. A great team player. Takes no crap from opponents.

Lock

Phil Twyford

Highly successful player who wins a lot of ball and is mobile all around the paddock. Unlike Sam Whitelock, can be a little selfish with the ball and cause resentment among colleagues but he earns his place here as a high impact player.

Lock

Amy Adams

Perhaps not as scary as Brodie Retallick or Igor as he is known, Adams is constantly alert, and has not only earned a big reputation, her best years are ahead of her. Almost always out-jumps opponents in the line-out.

Tight-head prop

Gerry Brownlee

Unfairly described as the non-Rhodes Scholar part of the team, the props have to know how to use their strength and like Owen Franks, Brownlee does. Has the ability to disarm opponents with his wit. Note to coach: not always the brute he seems to be; surprisingly sensitive to criticism, handle with care.

Hooker

Trevor Mallard

Gutsy, sometimes ruthless, determined and proven like Dane Coles but has put a lot of effort into cleaning up his act and has honed his ability to throw a straight ball.

Loosehead prop

Judith Collins

Too valuable in the Dark Arts of the front row to leave out of the team although, unlike Joe Moody, she is treated with more respect by her opponents than her own side.

Reserves: Simon Bridges, like Sonny Bill Williams, pays a lot of attention to getting himself into pristine condition for the right moment to get on to the field. Chris Hipkins and Te Ururoa Flavell are all-round performers.

Refreshments: David Seymour has nominated himself as the water-boy but he has roped in Metiria Turei to be his special assistant to sniff test each bottle for alcohol.