If I live to see seven wonders, sang Stevie Nicks, I'll make a path to the rainbow's end. And why not, Auckland's theme park has made many people wonder. But Stevie need look no further than this great city whose marvels rival the Seven Wonders of the World.
1. The Great Pyramids
Built as a tomb for the pharaoh Khufu, the Great Pyramid at Giza was the tallest human-made structure for 3800 years when it was overtaken by Colin Mathura Jeffree. Once clad in shining stone, its underthings have now been on display longer than Dan Carter's.
A bubble made from brick and tile, an Auckland house costs as much as a pharaoh's tomb without the room to swing a mummified cat. The housing crisis inspires the latest masterwork from Michael Parekowhai who demolishes his controversial state house sculpture, Lighthouse, leaving the rubble in a pyramid-shaped pile known as "The Auckland Property Market".
2. The Taj Mahal
A monument to lost love, the Taj Mahal is an ornate marble mausoleum built by Shah Jahan for his favourite wife, Mumtaz Mahal. Princess Diana, nobody's favourite wife, once sat alone in front of its ornamental pond, making history's least subtle reference to a dead marriage.
Auckland Wonder: The Art Mahal
Illustration / Guy Body
The Mediaworks building is rechristened the Art Mahal in tribute to the first Bachelor. Like the original tomb though, it becomes a haunting edifice where romance goes to die. Surrounded by a somewhat less impressive moat known as the River Jordan, it's furnished in Scandi-style left-overs from The Block and contains the casket of broadcast journalism.
3. The Colossus of Rhodes
A giant statue that stood astride the entrance to Rhodes Harbour. Either that or they just built a couple of huge feet and hoped future archaeologists would fill in the rest.
The Waterview extension rises above the Northwestern Motorway like the swirl of a gymnast's ribbon. It nonetheless faces the same fate as Rhodes' guardian, as substandard concrete and steel become flakier than a Real Housewife. It's the first of many structures to crumble like a stale cronut; their ruins come to be known as "Simon" bridges.
4. The Colosseum
The whole place is a bloody circus. Literally.
A giant arena where Romans held blood-soaked spectacles pitting wild animals and gladiators in deadly battle, much like a rainy Saturday at Sylvia Park.
Auckland Wonder: Auckolosseum
Illustration / Guy Body
Eden Park is the go-to place for violent sports, but not the gladiatorial battles on the field. The true contest is in the queues where noble warriors wield weapons like the Death Elbow and the Shoulderdozer to win the celebrated prize: a plastic pottle of warm beer. Blood flows freely, but nothing glistens as red as tomato sauce on hot chips bravely won.
5. Stonehenge
A prehistoric monument at least 4000 years old, the ring of standing stones in England's Wiltshire has puzzled people throughout history. Like the ultimate Myers Park drum night, its strange lure draws modern-day pagans with culturally inappropriate dreadlocks to dance away the solstice.
Auckland Wonder: Auckhenge
Illustration / Guy Body
A henge is a circular earthwork; its purpose is unknown, much like the Royal Oak Roundabout, which has puzzled people since the late 40s. Five streets converge like a star into an inadequately sized black hole. An ever-grinding prayer wheel of the unholy, its profane prayers have been answered at least once, when in 1971 it became the site of the Auckland's first KFC.
6. The Great Wall of China
Designed to keep invaders out and Customs duty in, the massive wall was long claimed to be the only human-made object visible from space, until someone went to space and realised it wasn't.
The unsealed bit at the end of the Silk Road known as Wah Lee Emporium. No bull in this china shop: though there is, in fact, a great wall of china, and another quite good one of woks. It's not visible from space, nor is there any space visible inside. You might think you're its biggest fan but Wah Lee sells a bigger one.
7. Hanging Gardens of Babylon
A stylised mountain with tiers of overhanging plants, the gardens were supposedly built by King Nebuchadnezzar to please his homesick wife, Amyitis. Water from the Euphrates was pumped in to create permanent rainfall, which is the kind of thing you can do if you truly love someone and have lots of slaves.
Auckland Wonder: Hanging Baskets of Wintergarden
Illustration / Guy Body
Whether you yearn for tropical humidity or just the occasional whiff of corpse flower, the Wintergardens soothe a populace suffering from a touch of Amyitis. Behind a reassuring veneer of Victorian refinement, it's an urban jungle, with swollen pods and glistening tendrils ready to smack you wetly in the eye like an ill-advised night at Longroom.
