WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT
She looked into the eyes of a knife-wielding terrorist and silently pleaded with him not to cut her throat.
It didn't work, but Ezmeralda Johns isn't a victim.
She's a survivor, the Auckland preschool teacher says, speaking publicly for the first time about the terror attack in a New Lynn supermarket that nearly ended her life.
Johns, 29, was shopping at Countdown Lynnmall in West Auckland on September 3 when Ahamed Samsudeen began attacking shoppers with a knife taken from the grocery store's shelves.
Samsudeen, a Tamil Muslim born in Sri Lanka who had - successfully - sought refugee status eight years earlier but whose growing radicalisation had put him in the sights of police, the judiciary and even the Prime Minister, injured eight people before being shot dead by elite undercover police trailing him 24/7.
Deportation efforts were ongoing and existing anti-terror laws - since updated - stymied attempts by prosecutors to bring more serious charges against the 32-year-old amid signs he planned to undertake a terror attack.
Johns and dozens of others were aware of none of this as they shopped on an otherwise ordinary - albeit during level 4 lockdown - Friday afternoon.
She was at the back of the supermarket when she became aware something had happened to a woman close by, Johns says.
In an instant, Samsudeen had stabbed her twice in the side.
"He was so quick. It's so quick you can't even wrap your head around it."
Falling to the floor only moments passed before Samsudeen returned and, chanting "Allah", climbed on top of the 29-year-old, who unsuccessfully tried to fool him by playing dead.
She'd suffer two more stab wounds and four slash wounds, the most frightening two across her face and neck.
It was clear what Samsudeen was trying to do, Johns said.
"I just remember thinking, 'Please don't cut my throat' … because that's what he was trying to do."
Two long scars now trace across her lower cheek and upper neck, one running from the back of her head to her chin.
In what she thought would be her last moments, Johns looked into the eyes of her attacker - a man she didn't know and never spoke a word to - and saw "no feeling".
"It was just vengeful. I didn't feel any humanity."
It would be others who would come to her aid, ordinary shoppers turned heroes hurling tins of tuna at the attacker, or trying to scare him away even as he menaced them with his knife, and his anger.
Samsudeen was eventually hounded away, seconds before his life ended in a hail of gunfire from the undercover cops who'd been trailing him at a distance.
By now Johns was being comforted by Auckland office worker Mike Andrews.
She considers Andrews, who'd earlier confronted Samsudeen, among the heroes in the supermarket that day. He ran towards danger to help.
"I heard screaming and I heard gunshots, and the next thing I remember is Mike being next to me, and telling me I'm going to be okay.
"He saved me."
His first aid included holding in Johns' intestines, which were emerging from the two stab wounds in her side, and marked the beginning of a long physical, and mental, recovery, which was still ongoing.
One surgery involved cutting her open from chest to belly so doctors could mend knife damage to her stomach and small intestines, and clean her insides to prevent infections - which still plague her.
Johns was in hospital almost a month, half of it unconscious and almost all of it unable or unwilling to talk, because of her trauma.
Bouts of anger followed as she struggled with ongoing pain and fatigue from her injuries, which meant she can't yet return to her job at Next Generation Childcare Birkenhead, she said.
Johns and husband Storm also had to pull out of a planned house purchase in November because, with Johns on ACC, they could no longer afford it, and plans to start a family are similarly on hold.
But the Aucklander, who emigrated to New Zealand from South Africa three years ago because she wanted to live somewhere safer, no longer feels anger - even toward her attacker.
"I'm not going to live with hate."
Her focus was on continuing her recovery so she can return to work, and hopefully welcome her parents - who are of limited means - on a visit to New Zealand this year, but
it remained hard feeling as if the attack had been forgotten.
"It's like everything was swept under the rug after."
She longed to hear how the seven others injured by Samsudeen are doing, Johns said.
Four, like her, were stabbed.
"I honestly just want to know that everyone's okay. And if they're in need of anything, maybe I can help."
Her own turning point away from bouts of anger came after a conversation with her boss, and a heartfelt letter sent from a survivor of the 2019 terror attacks on two Christchurch mosques.
Her boss told her the story of a person asked if they were angry about why something bad had happened to them.
"The person responded, 'Why couldn't it happen to me? What makes me more special?'
"This could've happened to anyone, and I wouldn't change it, because if I could then someone else could've gotten hurt."
And the mosque shootings' survivor gave her hope in the darkest days.
"The letter said, 'It's going to be difficult, but every day will get better'.
"You're in that place where you don't feel like anyone understands you, and then … this little gift comes and reassures you that they've been through a traumatic event, and they're doing okay."
That was her message to the others caught up in Samsudeen's senseless act of hate.
"We're not victims. We're survivors, we're warriors. And it's gonna be okay."
• To read Johns' full account of the events of September 3, go here.
• A Givealittle page has been set up to support Johns' ongoing recovery, and to help fund her South Africa-based parents planned visit this year. Donations can be made at https://givealittle.co.nz/cause/helping-to-support-the-youngest-victim
'You don’t want to be doom and gloom your whole life. That's just a miserable way to live'