Abused mothers get together to break the cycle

By CATHERINE MASTERS

Dotted around the country each week, groups of women meet to figure out why they are abusing their children.

Some are rich, some poor - and they come from all ethnic backgrounds.

Some have come because they shout loudly and angrily at their kids. Others have come because they belt them.

They all love their children and - in contrast to most of the men who attend similar programmes - they have gone to Anger Change meetings of their own free will, concerned at the effect their abuse is having on their most precious charges.

They sit in a circle and share their experiences. It is not easy at first, but for one Auckland mother the group process and attached counselling have been godsends.

The woman, who did not want to be named, has had two children removed from her by Child, Youth and Family social workers.

One daughter was taken away after she turned up to school with a black eye.

She had been "back-handed" for going somewhere her mother had forbidden her to go.

The children were doing nothing more than behaving like "normal" children, the mother now says.

This woman says she was hitting and yelling partly out of panic, fear and desperation because she was being hit herself by an abusive partner.

But hitting out violently was also all she knew. Her own mother had been extremely abusive to her, so she thought it was the right thing to do.

"I must admit that dysfunctional people who have been brought up with severe abuse from their own parents use their anger as a defence mechanism, to keep themselves safe."

She simply had not realised that was what she was doing.

She remembers her first experience of attending an Anger Change meeting. "They go around and say for each one to tell their own story.

"When it came to my turn to actually say something I just couldn't. I crossed my arms and I cried, and wept and wept like a baby.

"I couldn't believe that I had so much bottled up. I'd just thought this was life, this was a woman's lot ...

"I believe everybody who had a dysfunctional upbringing or is in an abusive relationship should seek counselling, should seek out these groups."

Now when she is angry or frustrated with her children she gives herself time-out and walks away.

Fay Lilian, the manager of Anger Change Trust Auckland, says the organisation's focus is solely on stopping child abuse.

"Of the women who have hurt their children more than once, it is highly likely they've had abuse - either sexual or physical - in their own recent past or childhood," she says.

Once they have joined a group the abuse generally reduces dramatically and quickly.

All sorts of other stresses also contribute, including financial hardship, lack of sleep, emotional stress and problems with their partners.

Fay Lilian sees wealthy women at the courses.

Some have been put on anti-depressants by their doctors.

Poorer women find it harder to get to a general practitioner and are more likely to come to the attention of social workers, she says.

Last year in Auckland, 360 women attended programmes for a total of 18 hours each.

The trust dealt with an additional 1500 telephone inquiries and referrals.

* Anger Change Trust Auckland can be contacted on 410-7835.

Herald Online feature: violence at home

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