Abarth 500: You Esseessexy Thing

The 500 Esseesse is the first new-generation Abarth to be sold in New Zealand. Photo / Amos Chapple

I'm afraid you'll not get an unbiased appraisal of the Abarth 500 Esseesse out of me. I've always lusted after go-fast small Fiats. Even when they didn't go all that fast.

From 1998 to 2008 I lavished time and money I did not have on a Cinquecento Sporting, complete with accessory Abarth scorpion centre-caps on the alloy wheels ... and other places I'm now too embarrassed to mention.

In hindsight, my Cinquecento embodied everything that was wrong with Fiat's treatment of the Abarth brand through the turn of the century.

Carlos Abarth created legendary racing cars out of humble Fiats through the 1950s and 60s, the most famous being versions of the tiny Nuova 500.

After the company was sold to Fiat in 1971, Abarth continued to create top race/rally machines and road cars.

But the scorpion brand was forgotten through the 1990s - or worse, thrown away on accessories like headlight protectors or floor mats (guilty). Ultimately, it became a trim level on mainstream models such as the Punto and Stilo.

In 2007, Fiat made amends by once again establishing a standalone Abarth operation, which it charged with making sporty road cars that really did justice to the scorpion insignia.

It's been a long time coming but the first new-generation Abarth to be sold in New Zealand is the 500 Esseesse. It's like a regular Abarth 500 but cuter, and even more comically fast.

In Europe you can buy the Abarth 500 and then go back and purchase the Esseesse upgrade bits in a big wooden box (no, really). There's a new chip and air filter that takes the 1.4-litre turbo engine's power from 99kW to 118kW, uprated suspension components, cross-drilled brake discs and a unique style of 17-inch alloy wheel.

Love the idea, not least because Carlos Abarth did something similar in 1963 with a take-home conversion kit that could turn a standard 500 into his pocket-rocket 595 version.

All Kiwi Abarth 500s will come fully assembled in Esseesse trim, mostly because nobody seems to want the lesser-powered version, argues local importer Ateco Automotive.

It's pretty exclusive, too: all 15 from the shipment have been sold and it's likely there will only be another 15 coming to New Zealand this year.

So determined is Fiat to establish Abarth as a separate performance brand - like BMW's M-division or Mercedes-Benz's AMG operation - that we're not supposed to call this car a "Fiat".

The name does not appear anywhere on the vehicle. Nonsense, of course, but you've got to admire the company's earnest attitude.

Besides, it's hard to be cynical about this car. Like so many modern high-tech Fiat engines the Abarth's powerplant is out to lunch below 2000rpm, but beyond there it growls, chirps the front tyres and bungees you through traffic in a hilarious blur.

Fiat claims 0-100km/h in a modest 7.4sec but behind the wheel you'd swear it's faster than a Ferrari. There's a cacophony of mechanical/exhaust noise, a flashing "shift-up" indicator on the dashboard and a brilliant sense of supermini anarchy.

You do not drive the Esseesse smoothly; that would be missing the point. You wrestle the racing-style flat-bottomed steering wheel, jab the throttle and play nip-and-tuck with the stubby nose through tight corners.

If you insist, this hyperactive 500 can be quite grown-up on smooth roads, with linear top-end power and a balanced chassis.

On bumpy tarmac the front wheels struggle to get the power down, the steering wheel battles for independence from the driver and the ride is go-kart stiff - unbearably so on undulating urban roads.

Even then, you can't help but smile. I mean, just look at it.

There's function to that endearing form. The gaping front spoiler is a necessity, otherwise Abarth would not have been able to wedge the 1.4-litre turbo engine under the 500's tiny bonnet and keep it cool.

The narrow vents on the front and rear bumpers do, in fact, channel air to help brake performance. The twin exhausts are the real deal.

At $42,990, the Abarth 500 Esseesse is line-ball on price with the Mini Cooper S. It's flawed compared with the German car and yet a whole lot less pretentious.

The beauty of the Abarth 500 Esseesse is that it's a serious performance supermini that doesn't take itself too seriously at all.

Simple fun and surely the coolest small car on sale. That's a professional, carefully considered opinion; trust me.

It's optional

The Esseesse isn't the most exclusive road-going Abarth 500.

The Abarth 695 Tributo Ferrari is an even more highly modified version of the car - originally intended to serve as a loan car for Ferrari service centres but now on sale to the public as a limited-edition, numbered model.

The 695's 1.4-litre turbo engine is further tuned to 132kW and drives through a robotised-manual Abarth competition gearbox with steering wheel-mounted paddles.

A dual-mode exhaust pumps up the soundtrack.

Ferrari-inspired styling details include a new front spoiler, carbon-fibre mirrors and grey-finished alloy wheels. The interior also features unique trim elements.

Good news: Ateco Automotive has secured a couple of 695 Tributo Ferrari models from the 600-strong production run, to arrive here later this year.

Bad news: it won't say what the car will cost.

But in Britain, the 695 is about 80 per cent more expensive than the Abarth 500 Esseesse, which would suggest a sticker on the wrong side of $75,000.

Still the cheapest way to get a Ferrari badge in the garage, though.

Angry 500

Angry 500 is a limited-edition model dressed with Ferrari-inspired stuff such as carbon mirrors, front air intakes, red paint and some grey wheels.

Rather like an aggressive gimp running naked through a Ferrari shop.

Angry 500 gets a heavily spanked version of the turbo'd 1.4-litre engine, which now produces 180bhp and a "Record Monza" dual-mode exhaust, making it the angriest and shoutiest 500 yet.

The 0-99km/h dash takes just 7sec and it will top out at 225km/h.