What will happen between Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump in 2017? Photo / AP
What will happen between Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump in 2017? Photo / AP
At the end of 2016, many commentators labelled the year in which Donald Trump became president of the United States, David Bowie died and Zayn released Pillowtalk as the worst in recorded history. Twelve months later, looking back at the end of 2017, how does that assessment hold up? Herewith, our look back at the main events of 2017.
JANUARY
Mike Pence surprised nobody by resigning as the vice-president of the United States of America following an incident in which US president Donald Trump made him tap dance on a table at a state banquet for Russian president Vladimir Putin. Trump said he would name a replacement for Pence when he got through "a lot of great the very best candidates you wouldn't believe some of these names that have contacted me".
TV3 said it was "tweaking' its flagship "not-quite-current-affairs not-quite-entertainment you tell us what to call it and there's a hundy in it for you" 7pm show The Project by installing as its three frontpeople, ventriloquist David Strassman, his pal Ted E Bear and Dai Henwood. "We think people want something a bit lighter at 7pm than they can get at the moment," explained an executive.
US vice-president Kanye West was sworn in with Melania Trump and the entire Kardashian family at his bedside before being returned to an induced coma.
The nation woke to discover with some surprise that during the night Deputy Prime Minister Paula Bennett had rushed through special legislation and changed the flag to a field of leopard skin with a mug of sauv in the canton. Asked by journalists if this was not "a little declasse", the deputy prime minister said, "It's not a glass. It's a mug."
Laila Harre left the Labour Party to join ACT, saying she had finally found her political home.
Kim Dotcom initiated further legal proceedings to avoid extradition to the US.
MARCH
More changes at TV3 as Dai Henwood was replaced on The Project by Thingee. "Thingee will lighten up the mood on The Project as well as appealing to older viewers," said a spokesman.
Apple responded to criticism of the launch of its iPhone 8 - which did not include a function that enabled people to make and receive phone calls - by saying that the omission had allowed it to improve battery life and "anyway, we thought it would be nice if people went back to writing letters like the old days".
A 5.7 earthquake rocked the southeast coast of the South Island. Asked for his reaction, Gerry Brownlee, Minister for Earthquake Recovery, said: "Well, I'll be. An earthquake? You don't say?"
Kim Dotcom's extradition to the US did not take place as planned. Photo / Greg Bowker
APRIL
Following the discovery of a handwritten shopping list by JRR Tolkien, to which he acquired the rights, Sir Peter Jackson announced plans for a new trilogy to be called: The Shopper or There and Back Again because After All that I Forgot to Get Any Milk.
Kim Dotcom initiated yet more legal proceedings to avoid extradition to the US.
Following a Cabinet reshuffle that saw her relegated to -8 [minus eight] in the ministerial rankings and her responsibilities reduced to whatever you do when you're Minister for Racing, Judith Collins said she couldn't' be happier with the decision which was something she's been wanting for a long time and would allow her to focus all her energies on this often-neglected portfolio.
Brian Tamaki and his congregation were taken by surprise when God turned up at an Easter Sunday service and demanded to know where His money was.
MAY
China and the US agreed to mend fences and promised that they would restore normal and friendly diplomatic relations. Chinese officials said they planned to change one of the names of their traditional years to the Year of the Trump - they just couldn't decide whether it would be the Year of the Ass or the Year of the Cock.
Shotputter and drugs cheat Nadzeya Ostapchuk visited briefly to film a community service advertisement aimed at breweries that make bad calls when employing sporting talent for promotional purposes. A planned group shotput event turned to chaos when 1000 cyclists off their heads on steroids turned up by mistake.
JUNE
Questions were asked in Parliament and there were calls for the public network's funding to be cut after National Radio's afternoon gabfest The Panel broadcast an edition that did not include a former Christchurch City Councillor as one of the two panellists.
Promising to make space great again, Donald Trump became the first US president to land on the moon. On landing and setting foot on the moon he uttered the famous words "This is a big step for a precedent [SUBS precedent]. I always have the best steps. The moon. Anywhere. Incredible."
Prince's 543 children finally settle claims against his estate, each claiming about US$3.5 million after tax.
Lorde told fans her new album wasn't far away and would be the best thing she's ever done. Photo / Jason Oxenham
JULY
Due to a failure in Nasa's emergency systems, Donald Trump returned successfully from the moon.
Kim Dotcom initiated further legal proceedings to avoid extradition to the US.
Ant Green, Naz, Sally Ridge, several Masterchef contestants and a zillion others took out full page ads and billboards asking the media to please give them some space and stop invading their privacy. Women's mags got a month's worth of stories out of it and the issue led Seven Sharp for three nights in a row.
Helen Clark announced she was allowing her name to go forward for nomination as president of Rotary International. Prime Minister Bill English said he still hadn't decided what level of support the government would give her candidacy before winking and adding: "LOL", "krakup" and "hashtag inherdreams".
AUGUST
Following the devastating train crash at Balmoral, Queen Eugenie ended her week of coronation celebrations by declaring 2017 the "Year of the Partee, dudes".
Told there had been a magnitude 7.2 earthquake with its epicentre 50 kilometres off the Kaipara Coast, Earthquake Minister Gerry Brownlee commented: "Well if that don't beat all. I sure didn't see that coming."
A wrangle over Commerce Commission opposition to a planned merger between New Zealand's biggest - well, pretty much only - media companies, NZME and Fairfax, was resolved when the two set up a third company, which bought the Commerce Commission and, in a complex deal involving multiple offshore companies, put it in charge of all New Zealand's $2 Shops.
Kim Dotcom exhausted his final legal option and his extradition to the US was scheduled for early November.
Laila Harre left the ACT party to join the Greens saying she had finally found her political home.
Informed by reporters that much of the Fiordland coast had been devastated by a massive earthquake and tsunami, minister Gerry Brownlee immediately responded: "Honestly, when are these darn things going to stop?"
Prime Minister-elect Winston Peters promised to be merciful to his former opponents as he embarked on his thank-you tour of the nation. Photo / Duncan Brown
OCTOBER
Lorde told fans her new album wasn't far away and would be the best thing she's ever done.
With the stroke of a pen, the Government solved the Auckland housing crisis without spending a cent on new homes, changing immigration policy or leaning on the Reserve Bank to change the official cash rate. Instead it simply extended the Auckland municipal boundary to just south of Taupo. "See - plenty of room for everyone and their horse," said the Minister of Racing. The move attracted considerable international comment. Mainly from John Oliver.
TV3 said it had finally come up with the perfect answer to its problem finding someone light enough to front The Project by replacing the entire panel with Mike Hosking from TVNZ's Seven Sharp. "Mike won't make you stretch your brain and he's a really funny guy," said a spokesman. "One of those people who can make you laugh without even trying. As anyone who's heard his Newstalk ZB breakfast show can tell you."
In an unprecedented move the Greens expelled Laila Harre, saying "She's too flaky even for us."
NOVEMBER
South Pacific Pictures announced it would soon begin casting for the new Outrageous Fortune spinoff - Westsworld [SUBS Westsworld] in which the members of a West Auckland family of lovable petty criminals would turn out to be robots - or would they?
Prime Minister-elect Winston Peters promised to be merciful to his former opponents as he embarked on his thank-you tour of the nation. When asked how he thought his coalition of NZ First, Greens, ACT, the Legalise Marijuana Party, Peter Dunne and Laila Harre would work together, he said that was for him to know and the media to find out. When it was suggested he was being deliberately coy he said, "I know you are but what am I?" When another journalist said he was being obstructive and unhelpful, Peters responded: 'I'm rubber, you're glue. What you say bounces off me and sticks to you."
DECEMBER
Gerry Brownlee, addressing a large crowd in Christchurch, told them he was disappointed at the progress of the Christchurch Rebuild but promised that things would soon be back on track. He then complimented them on the trouble they had gone to with their flaming torches and said the pitchforks were a lovely touch.
Kim Dotcom's extradition to the US did not take place as planned. "Our bad," said the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. "It had been going on so long we just forgot. Then when someone did remember, we went out to the Coatesville place by mistake because we'd forgotten he moved from there ages ago. And now we've got Christmas coming up so we probably won't get around to doing anything about it till next year."
