Funeral celebrant Aingie Miller and funeral director Laura Sweetman said its important to have conversations about grief and death.
Funeral celebrant Aingie Miller and funeral director Laura Sweetman said its important to have conversations about grief and death.
“WILLIAMS, Paul Joseph, of Palmerston North. A snorer and loud chewer of food ... ”
If you want to have a say over what happens when you die - including the contents of your very own death notice - it’s healthy to open up those conversations now. Don’t leave it until it’s too late.
Aotearoa New Zealand’s first-ever Dying Matters Week next week (August 5-12) represents a chance to open up “death-positive” conversations.
Death is something we all have in common yet we don’t talk about it nearly enough, according to Palmerston North funeral celebrant Aingie Miller and funeral director Laura Sweetman.
The pair work in different roles at the heart of the industry and see first-hand the benefits of having healthy conversations about death.
A year ago they opened Death Cafe in Manawatū, a place where people can feel comfortable and relaxed discussing all things associated with death and dying.
Miller said they had seen a huge increase in people attending the bi-monthly meetings, held at different venues each time. There were 26 people at the last meeting.
“People are curious and are ready to have death-positive conversations. Some people just want to come and listen and learn,” she said
To coincide with Dying Matters week, the pair were throwing a Death Planning Party next weekend, where stories can be shared with a healthy dose of laughter, with presentations on topics like how to personalise funerals and advanced care planning.
Palmerston North funeral celebrant Aingie Miller and funeral director Laura Sweetman are encouraging people to talk openly about death.
Miller said discussing death and making your wishes known can help lessen the stress - and the financial burden - for loved ones when you do die, allowing them to focus on grief.
“As a Western society we have become removed from death. We often don’t talk about death, wills, funerals, peoples wishes, then when someone dies it can be a big guessing game,” she said.
“Talking about death and your own departure is quite empowering. It makes us live more. It’s a healthy conversation to have. It helps normalise something that is ... normal. It’s okay. It’s not taboo.”
“Having these meaningful conversations benefits everybody. You don’t have to be terminally ill to have these conversations.”
“If you are prepared for your own death you are removing the weight of decision making and when the time comes it means family and loved ones can have that time to focus on grief.
“It can be a gift. It alleviates stress.”
Palmerston North funeral director Laura Sweetman says people can have a choice about what type of vehicle is used for their service.
Miller said it helps to look at death practically, too, as it ain’t cheap to die. An average funeral can cost $10,000. Burial costs are rising, too.
So, does anyone know what you really want? Do you want to be embalmed? Do you want to be buried? Do you want to be cremated? Do you want a traditional funeral, or do you want a gathering on the beach?
There is the opportunity for some DIY, and that can lessen the financial burden.
“There are options. It’s not being disrespectful to do things differently. You don’t have to have a hearse. It can be a mattress in the back of a van,” she said.
“Some people like the ham and egg club sandwiches, but tradition doesn’t suit everyone.
“In our roles it is about understanding people’s wishes and leaving the door open for all emotion, creating space for celebration and when appropriate, even laughter.
“We can’t remove grief and you wouldn’t want to. Grief is the price of love,” she said.
“I am passionate about services being personalised, because people are all unique.”
It was the death of her own mother three years ago that made her realise the entire dying process could be individualised to suit.
She and her sister cared for her mother in her final weeks. That personal experience sent her on the path to also becoming a trained Death Doula, a non-medical role, providing emotional, physical and spiritual support to people at the end of their lives and their families.
“Because I was privileged to care for my mother when she was dying, it changed my relationship with death, and we were fortunate to be able to care for her at home,” she said.
“She was adamant she wanted to die at home.
“Through this process I realised there were so many options. The natural reaction to death is to ring a funeral director straight away - and they do such a wonderful job, but the moments after death are the so precious - it is time we simply won’t get back, I say, don’t rush into making decisions, put the jug on, and just be present in those moments,” she said.
“There are also ways for families to be hands-on with after-death care ones if they wish.”
Sweetman said times were changing. Funeral services were increasingly deviating from tradition and were becoming more customised to suit.
“There will always be traditional funeral services as we know them but the space is opening up to hold something a bit more special and personal,” she said.
“More and more people are exploring that and bringing something really meaningful, truly individualised final farewells.”
