Stress and anxiety for 18- to 24-year-olds is on the rise. How do parents help them cope? Photo / Getty Images
Social media and constant connectivity contribute to rising anxiety in Gen Z.
Do you have a young adult child or grandchild? Then you might be familiar with the panicked phone call home, late at night. Perhaps there’s been a fallout with a housemate that needs resolving, or title="https://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/the-poor-pay-more-how-housing-problems-are-costing-our-kids/NUXIH2PBQH4BXRTR764LMN7A7Q/">a worry over how they’re going to pay their rent. Maybe they’ll want help unpicking coded criticism from a disappointed boss.
Our offspring are frequently in need of reassurance and parental propping up on their journey to maturity – perhaps in ways we didn’t when we were their age.
To postwar-hardened elders, Millennials and Gen Z-ers may seem like backbone-free “snowflakes”. But even esteemed social psychologists are now talking about “the anxious generation”, the title of a book which recently spent weeks at the top of the New York Times bestseller list.
The statistics seem to bear this out. A report published in January by the charity Mental Health UK revealed that almost a third of all young employees aged 18-24 had been signed off work with stress last year as a result of poor mental health, compared with one in 10 workers aged 45 and above.
An increasing body of work shows anxiety to be worse among young people. “Over the past 20 years, rates increased by more than twofold for those aged 16-24,” says UCL’s Dr Jen Dykxhoorn, the lead author of a 2023 report published in Psychological Medicine. “Understanding what is underlying these patterns is of critical importance.”
Jonathan Haidt is the author of The Anxious Generation and a professor of ethical leadership at the New York University Stern School of Business, where he studies the psychology of morality and moral emotions. Haidt wrote his latest book after noticing a rise in mental health issues among young people in the early 2010s.
“The sudden increase in anxiety wasn’t merely due to a heightened willingness to talk about mental illness,” he says. “It indicated that a broader phenomenon is sweeping over the developed Western world.”
So what is causing this lack of resilience among our young people, and how can we help them?
Linda Blair is a clinical psychologist and an associate fellow of the British Psychological Society. “Some people see anxiety and stress as synonymous, but stress doesn’t exist in the DSM (the diagnostic book of psychiatric disorders) and anxiety does,” she explains. “Stress is an actual demand on your brain or body, and happens when a person is pushed beyond their usual functioning. Some stress can be healthy. Anxiety, on the other hand, is just a feeling.”
Psychotherapists believe that we can learn to moderate our anxiety, to defuse it or learn to live with it.
But where has all this “anxiety” come from all of a sudden? Were we talking to our friends and family about “anxiety” when we were young adults ourselves, back in the 20th century? Surely not.
“It’s true that the language of mental health is very au courant,” says Blair. “Everyone is talking about their feelings a lot more, so there is an argument that we’re just being more open about what has always been.” On the other hand, Blair believes, “normal” feelings are now being medicalised rather too easily.
“Young people are often looking for a diagnosis or a label,” she says. “So many of my clients say to me: ‘If only I knew I had ADHD or autism.’ This might be useful if the child is young and they are failing at school, and a diagnosis will get them extra practical help. But it’s not the answer – a label does not tell a young person how to cope.”
Haidt’s 2024 book blames the rise in anxiety on what he terms the “great rewiring of childhood”, particularly because of mobile phones and social media.
“The loss of free play and the rise of continual adult supervision deprived children of the chance to explore, test and expand their limits, build close friendships through shared adventure, and learn how to judge risks for themselves,” he says.
“After the rise of the phone-based childhood, few parents had the knowledge to protect their children from tech companies that had designed their products to be addictive.”
Blair believes that the modern stress in young people “comes from an overload of information about which we can do nothing. Young people see that the world is burning up and flooding, there are wars,” she says. “They know about it much more because of their phones and social media – their brains get full and they don’t have the bandwidth to deal with it.”
Most experts agree that social media is particularly culpable. “It’s a one-way communication and far less healthy than face-to-face encounters,” says Blair.
Darren Cheek is a psychotherapist and therapist. “Young people see everyone else living their best life on social media,” he says. “The addictive ease of scrolling is also anxiety-provoking.”
Those days of PCR tests and standing two metres away may already feel like ancient history to us – but they have left a mark on our children. “If you are 20 now, that Covid period was a tenth of your life,” Blair notes. “Children missed an important part of their adolescence, that period where you are searching for identity and asking who do I belong with? How am I unique?
“In their late teens, young people were deprived of that self-comparison that tells you ‘Am I normal?’. No wonder they are suffering.”
Cheek agrees. “The pandemic may be over but we still live in dark times. Young people are still bearing the brunt of austerity, the cost of living crisis – they worry how they will manage student debt or ever be able to afford to leave home.”
“In general, we are having fewer children,” says Blair. “Figures from the Office of National Statistics tell us that 40% of [British] parents are now only having one child. By 2030, this will be 50%.
“If we have fewer ‘goods’ to take care of for our legacy, we will invest more in each one and put too much on them. Sometimes, parents misunderstand what ‘care’ is – care is to make yourself redundant at the age of 18.”
A warning, perhaps, for helicopter parents who cater for their child’s every whim to perhaps back off a bit.
Find creative ways to talk
The secret to helping your child lies in communication, but direct communication can feel overwhelming to some young people. “It can be helpful to create an environment where discussion of the issues can arise naturally, rather than in too forced a way,” says Cheek. “It’s sadly become far rarer for families to eat their meals together, but try to encourage this. Playing board games can help build strategic thinking and even resilience.”
If you have a child who finds it hard to talk face to face, walk and talk side by side. “Sometimes, the best conversations are had on a car journey, where you don’t have to make the eye contact that some young people may find off-putting.”
Empower them rather than ‘help’ them
“We want to protect our children, but the best thing is to teach them how to protect themselves,” says Blair. “If a child is worried about leaving university with debt, for example, help your son or daughter to budget rather than pay all their bills. Say: ‘Give me some facts. How much are you spending compared with how much you are earning?’ Ask the pertinent questions, but don’t do it for them.”
Ask your child to break down the feeling
“The words ‘anxiety’ or ‘stress’ are just too big to deal with,” says Cheek. “Say to your child: when you use the word ‘anxious’, what exactly do you mean? What happened at work today to make you feel like that?’”
It’s always easier to start dealing with a concrete issue than a mass of amorphous emotion. “Young men, in particular, find it hard to have a language of feelings,” he observes. “Approaching problems in a practical way is often a better start.”
Use the ‘best friend test’
Ask your child to remind you who their best friend is, then get them to think about how they would counsel their friend in this situation.
“This covers almost everything,” says Blair.
Encourage perspective
Try and get your child to break out of “now”. “Say they are worried about missing a day of work, or doing something wrong. Ask them: ‘In 10 years’ time, when you are 32, do you think this will have mattered?’” Blair suggests.
What not to do: “Never say to your child: ‘In my day, I did so-and-so’,” she says. “This isn’t your day.”
Help your children take care of themselves
“If work is becoming a problem for your young relative, encourage them to re-evaluate their priorities,” says Cheek. “Suggest volunteering, a connection outside of their day-to-day life. Activities such as mindfulness, yoga and breathing exercises can also help to build resilience.” Exercise is always a great de-stresser.
Sometimes just listening is enough
“Turn off your phone and give your young adult your full attention,” advises Blair. “This in itself will solve the problems 60% of the time.”
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