People-pleasing can lead to health issues like high blood pressure, heart problems, and even cancer. Photo / 123rf
It may make you popular, but detrimental health consequences lurk below. Here’s why you need to stop being so nice all the time.
There’s something seductively addictive about being a kind, generous, thoughtful human. A good friend to all, a reliable shoulder to cry on, the ultimate trouper.
What could be wrong with that? Well, in fact, these traits could be detrimental to your physical and mental health.
Because when compassion tips into you being a people-pleaser, the impact can become dangerous, even life-threatening.
Stress is coming at people-pleasers from all angles. There is the tendency to live in perpetual high alert and be acutely sensitive to the feelings of others, while not vocalising your own needs and opinions.
Hence you become entangled in a state of false existence. Some experts call it “masking” – when a person camouflages their authentic self.
But living in this suppressed emotional state can lead to long-term health issues like depression, anxiety, exhaustion, poor sleep, burnout – and even heart issues, high blood pressure and cancer.
We all deserve esteem. But people-pleasers undermine themselves, absorbing blame and guilt and endorsing the sense that they are less important than the rest.
It’s not unusual either for people-pleasers to find other ways to cope, like slipping into addictions or taking medication to support their stifled feelings.
Tanya Bardsley, 42, is a mother of four and a businesswoman. As a child, after being badly bullied at school and feeling cripplingly isolated, she adopted chronic people-pleasing behaviour.
“I just wanted to be liked, and this transferred into my adult life. I would never say no to people or opportunities and constantly found myself in situations where I felt deeply anxious.
“Every time I was there for someone else, I was chipping away at my own self-worth. Work piled up [Tanya appears in The Real Housewives of Cheshire], I was running my businesses, going out all the time, being a mum and drinking too much booze to calm me down.
“I was in a terrible state. I looked haggard, I was racked with anxiety and my heart was racing to the point where I thought I might have a heart attack – but still I kept trying to please everyone else. There were times when I felt so unhappy, I considered taking my own life.
“Then when I was 39, I had a seizure and collapsed. In retrospect, it was the best thing that happened to me. I knew I had to change. I saw a psychiatrist who, after a lengthy assessment, told me I had undiagnosed ADHD [attention deficit hyperactivity disorder].
“I’ve since found out that people-pleasing is related to ADHD, and rejection-sensitive dysphoria [RSD] is linked to ADHD.
“It suddenly made complete sense. I am now so much happier. I’ve cut back on my workload and primarily focus on my passion projects like the installation of Cubbie sensory hubs in public places for ADHD and autistic people to take time out.
“I eat healthily and I don’t drink but, mostly, I have put in strong boundaries for myself. If I can’t do certain things or show up for people, I simply don’t.
“I wouldn’t say it’s always easy but I know that the alternative is a dark place. I firmly believe that if I hadn’t turned my life around, I wouldn’t be here.”
The experts agree that people-pleasing tends to be a response to what has previously happened to you, and is adopted as a coping mechanism.
It could be a learned reaction: Maybe your mother was a people-pleaser; or you found yourself in a situation where you had to go along with the norm to fit in.
Rejection is a factor: Perhaps a parent put you down continuously, or a lover made you feel worthless, or school kids waited behind the bike sheds after the last bell to bully you.
Anger could be a thread in your story: If you grew up in a volatile household you may be more prone to avoiding conflict, or if a depressed sibling regularly had meltdowns, it’s possible you quickly learned to keep schtum.
Tiffany McLean is a personal and professional coach and admits she has been a people-pleaser since infancy. As the youngest of three children, she always felt on the sidelines.
“I once heard my dad jokingly say to a friend that I was a mistake,” she remembers, “My parents already had a boy and a girl, and I felt like an extra. I adopted the role of being the pleaser because I wanted everyone to accept me. I never caused any bother, in fact I wanted to fade into the background.
“This transferred into my adult life. I was always the follower, not the leader. In every relationship I was constantly complying; getting caught up in things I didn’t want to do.
“At work, I took on more than I had the capacity for. I would stay late, never say no to whatever was thrown at me and even though I knew I deserved it, I never asked for a pay rise.
“A typical trait for people-pleasers is resentment and at that time I had bucket-loads because I felt so put upon.
“In my 40s I was at burnout and very unhappy. Then a colleague introduced me to a book called Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown. I renamed it ‘the art of saying no’.
“It was a game-changer for me. I read it from cover to cover and it made me evaluate what was most important to me and if I was spending my time on the right things.
“I realised I’d spent decades looking after everyone else and facilitating the belief, ‘Oh, Tiff is exhausted but never mind, she’s still breathing so let’s ask her to do more’. For the first time in my life, I started prioritising me.”
The 10 most common traits
This behaviour endorses the internal belief you are not good enough and must exist at the bottom of the pile.
Simone Bose, a psychodynamic and systemic therapist in private practice and for British relationship counselling service Relate, says: “This type of person may pride themselves on being a great friend or a rescuer, but often this way of being has been created for their protection.
“They’ve learned somewhere along the way they can only be loveable, accepted or belong if they put others’ needs first. Their fear of rejection is huge, they can’t bear the idea that another person may not like them and so they safeguard themselves behind a shell of niceness.”
Many of the “avoidant- psychological traits of dependent personality disorder show up in people pleasers: sensitivity to criticism, reliance on the approval of others, passive behaviour, lack of decision-making.
But, while people-pleasing can be embedded in someone’s psyche, it is recognised more as an informal label used to describe a spectrum of behaviour.
Most psychologists are more interested in the “why” behind its origins. Lara Waycot is registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy as an integrative therapist.
“Some of my clients recognise this in themselves and they are the ones who are open to doing something about it,” she says. “Other clients, who have been acting in this way since they were little, don’t know any different.
“If you have been trying to satisfy others for most of your life, you won’t have a strong sense of yourself. It can be devastating to realise at a mature age that you don’t know who you are, or what you want.
“For those caught up in this mindset, there is a higher chance of being involved in destructive relationships or manipulated by others.”
A people-pleaser is a highly tuned self-critic. But it’s important to remember, this belief originates from a difficult place and has been influenced by circumstance and the impact of others.
So the best starting point is to recognise what happened to you, why it happened and the fact you adopted this persona to help you cope with life. In short, it is not your fault.
The self-worth that has been lacking for so long must gradually be rebuilt, and while validation previously would have come from external sources; now it needs to be sought internally.
It’s only when you believe in your own value that the confidence to instil boundaries and stand tall can happen.
Often people-pleasers think that if they are not pleasing then they are being selfish.
Corinne Maier, a writer, recently stirred the hornet’s nest when she encouraged women to be more selfish and “minimise the time you devote to others”. And social media flies the flag for young women to put themselves bang up front, but what are the consequences for elbowing the rest out of the way?
Bose says: “Being selfish is a difficult concept. But perhaps we need to reframe that word. Selfishness can be a good thing if you are working out what you personally need to be fulfilled. But equally, for some of us, being considerate and helpful is a top priority.
“It comes down to balance – intense selfishness or overly pleasing takes us into extreme territory and usually doesn’t work out well.
“As a therapist, I always encourage my clients to have a go at making changes slowly. Practise being more assured and saying no when you are pulled into doing things.
“It will feel scary at first, but it’s important to sit with that discomfort and not push it away. If change is a gentle process, I find that people can tolerate the micro pain; they get through it and then they are ready to go again.
“But however hard it might feel, if you really want to evolve, you must face the discomfort and understand how best to manage it.”
Waycot says it’s often the reaction of others that complicates matters. “They are so used to having you on hand, it might be difficult for them to accept the new you.
“But being assertive about what you want doesn’t mean being aggressive. For example, you might say that you’d rather not go to that party and explain the reasons why (too tired, you won’t know anyone) but you’d love to meet up for dinner next week – and then you suggest the restaurant.”
The final word comes from McLean: “All those years I craved affirmation, then when I learned to value myself, my self-respect grew.
“Interestingly, the more confident I became, the more respect and recognition I got from others too.”
New York Times: It turns out going silver comes with its own growing pains.