Exercising with your significant other can boost your relationship as well as your fitness.
When my husband and I married last summer, we started the day with a game of tennis. After our wedding lunch, a spontaneous football game occurred on the lawn; the youngest player was five years old, the oldest, 72. I can’t even kick a football, but changed back into my tennis shoes regardless.
They are perhaps extreme examples of how as a couple exercise has bonded us together; the understanding that like a pair of red setters, we must get our daily exercise.
A shared interest in rock climbing first saw sparks fly. I’ve since taught Harry yoga, and he’s coached me at tennis. I rarely win a rally, but that’s not the point. We have a lot of fun. And sometimes we play doubles and don’t do too badly either.
Of course, we’re in the honeymoon phase of marriage, but I’m pretty sure that the couple that exercises together, stays together.
In the mood
The science seems to suggest my hunch is correct. One 2018 study by Brigham Young University in the US found that compared to non-exercisers, married people who exercise together reported more positive marital events and fewer negative ones.
There are some strong biological reasons why this might be the case. Exercise releases hormones such as endocannabinoids and endorphins that improve mood. Gentle exercise can balance cortisol levels, thus calming the waters of modern life. While nonverbal matching, say lifting weights together or running at the same pace, has been shown to help people feel emotionally attuned with one another.
Of course, you can get some of these benefits from exercising on your own or with a friend. However, you might want to be careful about who you choose to exercise with.
There is evidence of a positive correlation between adrenaline and attraction. Sweaty hands, a racing pulse, shortness of breath: exercise induces the symptoms of physiological arousal. You wouldn’t want to muddle the two up with a friend, however, if you’re exercising with a spouse, who cares if you misattribute physical arousal for romantic attraction? In short, exercising with your partner can make you more attracted to each other.
Bad relationship habits
The flipside, however, is that just as exercise can make us feel more bonded, so do less healthy habits.
A 2023 study in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that couples feel closer after indulging in unhealthy behaviours together. Specifically, in the case of the research by the University of Zurich, smokers reported higher levels of closeness and higher relationship satisfaction on days they shared cigarettes together, as did couples who engaged in greater shared sedentary behaviour.
Anyone who has ever regarded their partner as their co-conspirator will recognise the following scenarios: “Shall we just… finish that tub of ice-cream/bottle of wine/last episode of the series/stay at home and skip the party?”
A study by the University of Glasgow found that newlyweds each gained an average of 1.8kg - 2.2kg in the first year of marriage.
Before you know it, you’ve enabled each other to overeat, undersleep and under-socialise with friends. If we’re not careful, our relationships can make our worlds smaller and less full of novelty, which isn’t conducive to long-term happiness.
We have a lot of influence over our loved ones, which can cut both ways.
If you’re looking to get fitter and healthier, then encouraging your partner to make the same swaps increases your chances of success. In 2015, University College London scientists looked at 3,722 couples, either married or living together, who were enrolled onto the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing and found that participants were more successful at swapping bad habits for good ones if their partners made the change as well.
Meanwhile, in a different study, married couples who signed up to an exercise programme were shown to have a significantly higher attendance of fitness programmes and a lower dropout than married singles. So, spousal support and accountability matters when we want to motivate ourselves to exercise.
A playground for your relationship
In her sessions with clients, counsellor and psychotherapist Lisa Bruton found the topic of exercising as a couple frequently comes up, particularly at this time of year when many of us make resolutions to be healthier. Her advice is invariably to give it a go.
“In couples therapy literature there’s a lot about the ennui with long-term couples and one of the ways of undoing that is trying new things together and exercise really fits into that,” says Bruton. “”Everything that’s in the realm of having new experiences together that are fun, different and playful, I would recommend.”
It can also be a great prism to observe lots of other elements of your relationship through. Ask yourself, how do you have fun as a couple? How do you negotiate, make decisions and communicate?
For a friend and her husband, making time to do an online yoga video is something they’ve tried to make a regular habit. There’s just one problem. Her husband has an annoying way of breathing that irritates her: “He breathes in this explosive way, which I think he thinks is yogic breathing.” As yet, she hasn’t found the courage to tell him he’s doing it wrong.
“I already feel like I nag him enough, I don’t want this to be yet another thing, so I’d rather just let him do it.”
For Bruton, there is some sense in my friend resisting the urge to correct her partner.
“Typically women can hold the load for their partner’s overall health and wellbeing. And if that becomes a site where this plays out as well, she’s well-minded to think, ‘Actually I don’t want this to be another place where I do that’. It’s good for her to hold back and let him do it as he does it.”
All of these behaviours that exist in other parts of a couple’s lives will come up in exercise. “If one partner feels over-directed in general, exercise can be a less charged place to look at these issues. An example would be learning how to say, ‘When you give me unsolicited advice, I don’t really like it’.”
Taking a hike can be where you find time to talk about things in your relationship. While trying a new class can create opportunities for showing your sense of humour and playfulness.
For some couples, exercising can be real magic, says Bruton: “It can really bring them together. But like all things, it will have its difficult moments.”
Couples therapist and qualified yoga teacher Joanne Strong agrees. Her advice is to consider how an activity makes you feel, and whether this energy is useful to your relationship.
For example, yoga often produces a state of openness, relaxation and sense of connectedness. “If this is the case, these might be very helpful to connect with and share in a relationship.”
On the other hand, says Strong: “If an activity generates competitive feelings, this might not be beneficial to some relationships.”
Competitive Edge
Splitting the cost of a personal trainer made financial sense for Patrick Beswick and his partner Jack, but the results haven’t been pure harmony.
The senior digital fundraising manager says: “Jack often takes it a lot more seriously than me, and he finds his motivation in being competitive. I’m not like that though, so it can be quite demoralising when he always has to get one more rep or burn more calories than me, it kind of makes me feel like I’m always only ever achieving second best and my successes aren’t that big.”
Bruton recommends diffusing the situation with some gentle teasing that moves it away from being overly serious.
She doesn’t dismiss competitiveness outright, but suggests trying to make it more playful.
“Opportunities to work together and cooperate can be really good for couples,” says Bruton.
While letting a partner be better than you at something can be good for stirring up attraction.
“If you allow your partner to have mastery, that can be very attractive. Seeing them doing that in an exercise context ideally doesn’t have to feed into your own sense of inadequacy, it can actually be a motivator potentially.”
Despite their mismatched temperaments, Beswick adds that he still does enjoy exercising with his partner: “We push each other to actually go to the gym, which is the most important thing.”
Establish boundaries
Getting the mindset right from the start can help extinguish the unhelpful parts of competitive fire.
Lucie Cowan, master trainer at Third Space, recommends discussing your individual goals, expectations, and boundaries beforehand. “You can encourage a positive mindset by shifting the focus from competition to collaboration.”
In the case of Patrick and his partner, emphasising that the goal is collective improvement, might help them to celebrate each others’ successes rather than viewing them as a threat.
A practical way to do this is to implement shared goals that build a sense of teamwork.
“Set targets that accommodate differing fitness levels, allowing each partner to contribute meaningfully. This way, achievements become a joint effort rather than a comparison,” says Cowan.
If one partner tends to be more bossy in the relationship, this can carry through to your shared fitness time. Cowan suggests alternating leadership roles in the workout routine. “Allow each partner to guide specific exercises or sessions, promoting a balanced dynamic and preventing one person from constantly feeling overshadowed.”
Lastly, establish a supportive feedback system.
“Focus on improvement rather than shortcomings,” says Cowan. “This helps maintain a positive atmosphere and ensures that the competitive mindset remains motivational rather than detrimental.”
Join a group
When exercise happens in a social context, like a gym class or at a park run it’s an opportunity to see your partner differently.
“There’s something very good for couples about experiencing themselves in a broader context. We get to experience ourselves differently by virtue of being in a group. That brings variety and variety tends to be very good for a relationship,” says Bruton.
A group exercise class also offers the benefits of a shared experience, while minimising the competitive tension. Choosing a class that suits both partners’ fitness levels and interests is key. “Opt for classes that offer scalability, allowing each individual to work at their own pace,” says Cowan. “This ensures inclusivity and prevents one partner from feeling overwhelmed or unchallenged.”
Group classes often provide a sense of community, fostering a supportive atmosphere.
“Encourage each other during the class, celebrate accomplishments, and feed off the collective energy of the group,” says Cowan. “This shared experience can strengthen your bond and make the workout more enjoyable.”
Couples with kids
For time-poor parents, exercising together is a luxury they can’t afford. Since having children, a friend has stopped doing a Saturday morning park run with her husband, talking wistfully about how they used to enjoy their routine.
Eloise Skinner, a psychotherapist and fitness instructor based in London, suggests looking for gyms that offer child-friendly classes or clubs that run alongside the adult workout timetable.
If that’s too much of a headache to organise, then at-home micro workouts could give you both the fix you need.
“We know from research (study here) that even short bursts of activity or exercise can have real physical benefits. So there might be quick windows during the day when the kids are occupied, and a short partner workout can take place.”
Going solo
“Ben just prefers to go out on his own,” a colleague insisted when I asked why they never run together.
In couples therapy language, this is called individuation and separation. Within a couple, you are a linked pair, but you should also allow for the others’ individuality.
“In a relationship, we need togetherness, but we also need separateness too,” says Strong.
“If an activity, such as running, allows you to process thoughts and feelings and get some valuable head space, continuing this as a solitary activity can be beneficial to both the individual and the relationship.”
There may even be some drawbacks to always exercising together.
A new study by researchers from Nanyang Technological University, Singapore (NTU Singapore) found that older adults who exercise with their spouse achieve lower physical activity levels than older adults without their spouse.
The researchers believe that higher levels of physical activity require a greater change in couples’ lifestyles, therefore making it harder to achieve.
In my own relationship, I can see this. I do a less intense yoga practice now than when I was single and had time to go to yoga retreats. Or a desire to get up early at the weekend. But I’m happier being in a relationship than I would be folded up like a pretzel.
And, of course, exercising with your partner doesn’t mean doing everything together. Harry plays tennis with friends who can actually serve overarm and don’t revert to the frying pan when under pressure. And he is yet to come to a contemporary dance class with me. Nor would I ever wish him to.
Other couples who exercise together
‘We’ve been training together for 20 years’
Growing up neither Daniel Herman, now 50 or his wife Jo, 51, were interested in fitness. Daniel jokes about hiding in a cupboard during school PE lessons. “Both of us were quite overweight and unfit as teenagers and young adults,” says Jo.
For Daniel, the fitness bug landed on him when he was at university and eventually led him to set up his health and fitness nutrition company Bio-Synergy. Jo, a primary school teacher came to exercise even later, but as Daniel says: “She’s gone from slightly less active than me to more so. I can’t get her off her bike.”
“It’s something we’ve tried to instil in our kids,” says Jo. “In some part that must be a result of seeing us exercise their whole lives.”
When their daughter and son, now 15 and 13, were very young the couple would take them in baby carriers to their Tai Chi class. “We’ve always dragged them to wherever we’re going,” says Daniel.
Nowadays, they workout together at their local gym in Barnet, north London, doing weights four times a week and they both doubt they would be working out as much if they weren’t together.
“She follows whatever I’m doing, and then she does her own stuff,” says Daniel.
Jo is more into cycling and has also done a 100km run and a marathon for charity.
“I also don’t do deadlifts because I’ve got a bulging disc,” says Daniel. “But we push each other and that’s really important. It’s hard to keep doing that if you’re on your own. It also gives us something else to talk about other than children and work.”
During lockdown, Jo qualified as a personal trainer although she has decided to keep fitness as a hobby and teaching as her vocation.
“From a mental health point of view, it’s a great thing to do,” says Jo. While Daniel says he finds the journey Jo has been on inspiring. “I’ve seen her go from zero pull-ups to multiple. I’m always impressed by that.”
‘We signed up to a half marathon at Christmas’
During the recent cold snap, Tom Bourlet and his fiancée Raquel Mitchell completed an indoor 5k at their home in Brighton by running on the spot.
“It had been snowing, so we decided to jog on the spot in the house instead,” says the 36-year-old who works for a group bookings website. “It was a bit makeshift, but it beat tripping over in the snow.”
He and Raquel, 34, who works in finance for a charity, have been together nearly seven years and have never really exercised much during that time. Until over Christmas, they drunkenly signed up for a half marathon.
“Now we’re very excited to go for it. We’ve done five runs in the past seven days,” says Raquel.
“It has been really fun, we’ve helped to push each other,” says Tom. “We do the runs with headphones on, but it helps pushing each other when we get tired or making sure we don’t back out beforehand.”
Raquel adds: “It’s also nice to work out the routes together.”
While she has always enjoyed cardio, the most Tom had run previously was a 5k about ten years ago. Having given up weight training a few years ago, exercising together is helping motivate him to reach his New Year fitness goals. “It’s definitely been a shock to the system. I thought I didn’t like running, but I’ve been surprised by how much I’ve been enjoying it.
“It’s really nice to do it as a couple. Getting it over and done with in the mornings is ideal. It’s a great bonding experience and nice to have a challenge together.”
They both intend to keep running after the half marathon. “But we will have to see how we feel once we’ve achieved it,” says Bourlet.
The dos and don’ts of exercising as a couple
Dos
- Respect your partner’s preferences – if they want to workout alone, give them space
- Be open to trying new things together; show up with support and encouragement
- Find compromises that work for both of you – in terms of fitness preferences, pace and schedule
- Try something new together, new shared experiences can be connecting
- Support each other and bring a mindset of co-operation
- Check in with each other
- Be prepared to take feedback and also give it
Don’ts
- Force your partner into your own favourite workout routine at the expense of their preferences
- See it as a competition or an opportunity to show off your skills.
- Leave your partner behind during the course of a workout or sports session
- Let one person take control - these things work best when they are a shared endeavour
- Take it too seriously, it’s meant to be fun!
