The theory of the "five stages of grief" has been debunked by many researchers over the years. Photo / 123RF
A leading expert on grief and how to deal with loss wants to debunk the idea there are stages of grief we are all meant to go through.
For years, everything from support services through to pop culture have talked about “the five stages of grief”, commonly seen as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
It’s derived from work done by Swedish-American psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross on dying.
Dr Denise Quinlan, director of the New Zealand Institute of Wellbeing and Resilience, and co-founder of Coping with Loss, told Francesca Rudkin and Louise Ayrey on their NZ Herald podcast The Little Things the research was never intended to apply to grieving.
“It was one of [Kubler-Ross’] students [afterward] who said to her before she died, literally, ‘Do you think that would apply to grieving?‘, and she kind of went, ‘Well, you could have a look...’
“It just doesn’t exist. There are so many researchers [who] for more than 30 years have been saying no.
“And, actually, there’s some. A big research article came out in 2017, and in it they say the expectation that bereaved people will go through stages of grief can be harmful.”
That research argued “stage theory should be discarded by all concerned, including the bereaved” because “alternative models better represent grieving processes”.
Quinlan said there is an oscillation with grief, with people moving forwards and backwards as the grief hits them at different stages.
“You are in your grief, you are mourning the loss, you are overwhelmed by it, and then you move back to the other side to kind of normal, restorative daily practices of life. You get on, you cry, you lie down on the floor, you cry, you get up, you go to the shops.
“And in the acute sort of early days, you can spend more of your time in the grieving and the loss awareness than in the getting on with. But what we know is that over time, getting to do some of the normal daily stuff is we think of it as respite from the heavy lifting of grief.”
She said people often thank her and her colleagues when they remind them they are allowed to feel positive emotions during their period of grief, as if they need permission not to feel sad.
Quinlan said over time, people can spend more time in their daily lives and less in their grief, but they have to be aware that it comes and goes.
“Around birthdays, there’ll be anniversaries, there’ll be a lot of things that catapult you back.”
“If we think about the oscillation, it’s okay to come and go. There are some people who it’s too much, they can only bite off a sliver at a time.”
“Our thing is grief is as individual as your fingerprint. Now that’s the good news. The bad news is that means you have to work out what works for you.”
She said that theories of grief have evolved in recent years, and the idea we have to sever all bonds with the deceased is out of date.
“Grief is the price we pay for being human beings who are hardwired for attachment, but live in an impermanent world,” Quinlan said.
She referred to one quote from Canadian researcher Thomas Attig: “The job of grief is learning to love in separation. We don’t have to stop loving, but we have to learn to love in separation.”
Listen to the full episode of The Little Things for more advice on grief.
The Little Things is available on iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. The series is hosted by broadcaster Francesca Rudkin and health researcher Louise Ayrey. New episodes are available every Saturday.
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