As a man grows older, while the upper age limit of his prospective partners rises, his lower limit hardly changes. Photo / 123rf
As a man grows older, while the upper age limit of his prospective partners rises, his lower limit hardly changes. Photo / 123rf
When it comes to finding love online, older gents may soon discover the generation gap is too big to bridge, says Rosa Silverman
The course of true love never did run smooth - and especially not for men, it seems.
New research suggests that, when it comes to the minimum and maximum ages that men and women consider acceptable for a new sexual partner, women tend to opt for someone of similar maturity; men, however, are less willing to restrict themselves, the Daily Telegraph reports.
So as a man grows older, while the upper age limit of his prospective partners rises, his lower limit hardly changes. And this could be a problem - for him, at least.
While the likes of Mick Jagger, Hugh Grant and Leonardo DiCaprio appear to have little trouble attracting younger women, these men may well be the exception, rather than the rule: the study of more than 2,500 people by researchers at Abo Akademi University in Finland suggested that older men interested in younger women might be condemned to a life of unrequited love.
It is a conclusion that Ed, 46, arrived at a few years early - that, having tried for some time, dating younger women was a non-starter.
Having separated from the mother of his two teenage sons in his mid-40s, the IT manager from South Yorkshire was keen to get back on to the dating scene.
He was, however, unprepared for what he found there.
"After a 20-year relationship, I began online dating," he says.
"I was talking to girls in their 20s because those were the ones I felt most attracted to. But none seemed interested. All they wanted to do was send me titillating pictures of themselves. When I tried to take things further, they 'ghosted' me. I hadn't expected them to be so immature."
Trial and error eventually taught Ed that women his own age were a better bet.
"I'm a bit old-school. I prefer getting to know someone, as opposed to the human Argos catalogue of swiping left and right." Photo / Getty
For other older men, it's the technology that throws them.
Dating a "digital native" - part of the generation born or brought up with digital technology - when you are anything but, is no easy proposition.
This is one of many dating truths exposed by First Dates, a UK reality TV show.
As Michele Kurland, its executive producer, says: "What often happens is [when] men suddenly become single, it's quite hard for them to get back into a relationship. Where do you go? What do you do? If you're older, you're not used to online dating."
Andy, 38, who has appeared on the programme previously, hinted at just this: "I'm a bit old-school. I prefer getting to know someone, as opposed to the human Argos catalogue of swiping left and right."
Jonathan, 68, a divorcee from Kent, has chosen a different route, becoming a client of dating agency Drawing Down the Moon instead of turning to Tinder.
But with four adult daughters - and a sensible approach to the practicalities of relationships - he has his sights set on a woman his own age.
"If you are with someone 20 years younger, they've probably got a different life experience," he says. "When you get to a certain age, you start to creak at the seams. If you're dating someone younger, there may well be a mismatch in your pace of life."
According to Gillian McCallum, CEO of Drawing Down the Moon, Jonathan's view is typical of the approach her clients take to dating.
"The men might be attracted to younger women, but when they want a relationship, they want it with another adult," she says. "Men are not coming to us and asking for a much younger model."
Although attitudes are gradually shifting, even millennial men looking for love don't always find it easy to share their feelings. Photo / 123rf
An emotional challenge
Finding the right age match is not the only challenge that men on today's fast-paced, often cut-throat dating scene must contend with, however.
As is so often evident from a show such as First Dates, many men struggle when it comes to emotional intimacy.
"Older women are good at keeping female friendships, at networking and at keeping up with their favourite activities," says Kurland.
"Sometimes, older men lose the art of dating. They can become a bit isolated if they have been widowed or made redundant. I think it comes down to confidence. Men aren't always as good at talking about their feelings, but saying you're lonely and want to meet someone is the first stage to finding a partner."
Yet for many, the cultural expectation that men don't share their feelings can make this incredibly tough.
Andy, a 46ft 1in Yorkshireman who grew up in a post-industrial community where men traditionally hide their emotions, agrees.
"As a male of my generation, you don't have the tools; you don't want to admit to people you're suffering," he says.
Outwardly chipper, he suppressed his depression for years before speaking out.
"I didn't talk to anyone. That's not something you do. I have a way of acting like everything's fine, but one day I talked to two of my best mates in the pub. I was the loneliest person in that crowded room. I built up to it and had a few drinks, then we spoke for about 20 seconds and they said: 'Come on, mate, have another drink,' so we got another pint and watched the football."
Shows such as First Dates, reveal some of the struggles men have when it comes to dating. Photo / File
He decided to speak about his problems on First Dates in the hope it could benefit others.
Although attitudes are gradually shifting, and the stiff upper lip may be on the way out, even millennial men looking for love don't always find it easy.
Griff, a 26-year-old farmer from Shropshire whose vulnerability touched viewers of the show, grew up in a male-dominated household.
"We're mad Welsh rugby fans so [most] of the chat is about that," he says.
Whatever threats and challenges the dating world throws out, Kurland has one piece of advice that applies to all men: "If you like someone," she says. "You have to take a bit of a risk."
What happens when middle-aged men message me on dating apps
Men will never grow out of seeking a much younger woman, writes Charlotte Lytton
The cliché is as old as they come: man of a certain vintage ditches age-appropriate other-half for younger model, one with fewer miles, no wear and tear and is still sizzling under the bonnet.
Much as I might wish to dismiss the notion as outdated, or consigned to the all-too predictable plots of TV dramas (take Doctor Foster, Big Little Lies and Cold Feet to name a few), the data says otherwise.
According to dating site OkCupid, while women look for prospective partners of a similar age, men favoured a 22-year-old conquest - no matter what age they were.
While research found that men are far more willing to embrace all ages in their pool of prospective sexual partners, a new study of the most right-swiped people on Tinder, published in Cosmopolitan, shows that of the 30 most popular dates, 18 chaps fall in the 25-to-34 range, while of the 12 women, only one is over the 25 mark - showing that the allure of a dainty young thing isn't something men of any age are able to grow out of.
My theory is that men approach dating apps as they do a promotion or job: aim higher than your skill-set deserves and hope that the person making the decision is stunned into acquiescence.
Since I started online dating, I've had no shortage of messages from men who dwarf my 26 years.
Take the recent one from Mark*, 56 (the same age as my father), whose profile lists his desire for "sexy fun".
Or the one from fortysomething Carl - his main image featuring a close-up of his braided (and greying) beard - asking straight off about my "spooning abilities".
There's only one appropriate response to this grim inbox-filling by older men who should know better, and that's laughing it off, preferably over prosecco with mates.
Sending screenshots of the worst offenders to one another is the kindest option - it's either chuckle about the absurdity of it all, or give these delusional blokes what for.
My theory is that men approach dating apps as they do a promotion or job: aim higher than your skill-set deserves and hope that the person making the decision is stunned into acquiescence.
But with 16 per cent of marriages originating from online romances, perhaps the middle-aged creeps with cringeworthy come-ons are more effective than we realise.
