Age is just a number for these Kiwi women who are in their 30s and dating men younger than them. Photo / Getty Images
Three women tell Sinead Corcoran Dye why age is just a number
Clara*, 32, real estate agent
Since my very first relationship when I was 17 and dating a then 16-year-old - I’ve never looked back.
It’s not like I made a conscious decision to only date younger men though - it just happened. And once I started dating younger guys, I tended to meet more younger guys through them and it just snowballed from then.
I was recently dating a 25-year-old and when that ended, I slept with a 21-year-old on our first date.
I usually meet these guys on nights out, at work events or through dating apps. But unless it’s through an app where their age is listed, I never ask guys I meet how old they are - it just always turns out that they’re much younger than me. So I guess I could argue I don’t actively chase younger men, it’s just the way things seem to fall.
In my experience, single guys my age have an immature outlook on how to treat a woman correctly. I personally find that younger guys are more respectful than guys my age and they put a lot more effort into the relationship - even if it’s just for one night.
I get the impression it’s because they want to impress an older woman. They’re also a lot more thoughtful and in my experience have much better values. I also find dating them keeps my mind young and motivates me to look after myself a bit more in terms of my health and physical appearance.
I’ve found most of the younger guys I talk to these days have strong family values and the mindset of wanting to get married and start a family but most of them aren’t ready - they’re still living their lives. I totally understand that and would never want to pressure someone into a relationship that they’re not ready for at their life stage. But I do really want to settle down and have kids soon.
And even though most younger guys tell me that girls their age are immature and fake, sometimes I do feel insecure that I’m competing with stunning 20-year-olds for their attention. No one wants to be thought of or seen as the older woman desperately clinging on to youth. But I live by the motto what’s meant to be, is meant to be.
I never feel out of place socialising with a younger man’s friends as I always fit in - I’m a fun person and everyone says I’m the life of the party. Working in real estate has also given me skills to get along with almost anyone. And most of the younger guys I date have similar interests which is why we get along and it means our friends do too. I’ve actually hooked a few of my single friends up with younger guys when mixing social groups and they’ve been pleasantly surprised.
I find younger guys these days tend to be heavily into the fitness lifestyle and looking good which is important to me in my current life stage. Usually dates with someone your own age revolve around going for drinks or eating out – and don’t get me wrong that can be nice and lots of fun - but the dates younger guys suggest are really wholesome. Weekends away to the beach, grabbing lunch or a coffee, going for an early morning walk or cooking for me.
It’s wild how much effort the younger guys put in, whereas my older guy friends would much rather go out on the weekend and drink the weekend away. I haven’t met one older guy who has asked me to do something besides drinking - and often over drinks they reveal they’re just looking for someone to sleep with casually which feels gross. I know that everyone might look for that from time to time but it is not great seduction to reveal it on a first date.
I really don’t care what people think of me dating young guys. As long as I’m happy that’s all that matters to me. I guess sometimes the “when are you settling down, you won’t find that with a younger person” comments get a bit annoying - but I’m sure if I was really ready with someone it would happen. In the meantime, I’m just having fun.
Ophelia*, 38, teacher
I never set out to exclusively date younger men - but the morning after a one-night stand, he told me he was 23 and I was already in my 30s. I was horrified - but only for a few minutes and then I was delighted. Still got it!
And I always found that when I dated men my own age or older that they were way too intense or just completely useless. Plus, when you’re dating a 48-year-old and find out he’s still flatting that’s very different to a 20-something flatting. It’s yuck.
The youngest man I’ve ever dated is my current partner - he’s nine years younger than me. After giving up on Tinder after one too many horrible dates, I met him on the dance floor at a bar - the old school way.
We connected instantly over our love of music. We’re both huge fans of the Red Hot Chili Peppers so once we discovered that, it was never-ending, long nights on the phone chatting about music and concerts we have been to or want to go to. It’s always been important to me to have strong shared interests.
The fact I’m a cougar is a running joke with my family - even though everyone says my partner is an old soul and very mature for his age. And I’ve never been one to care what other people think of me, so I can’t say I’ve ever really given the jokes a second thought. To be honest I was more scared about what his parents would think – but they never worried about it at all. They were kind and welcoming from the start and I wonder if they like the idea that I might settle their boy down.
The best thing about dating a younger man is that you can teach a young dog new tricks, and they’re so easy to train up. He used to leave the bath mat on the floor. Not anymore. He used to leave the bed unmade. Not anymore. Honestly, I think it’s made me lazier as he cares for me so much. It’s so nice to have someone intensely love you and tell you it often and show he cares in more ways than one.
As I had been worried about being an old mum, we ended up being the first couple in his friend group to have a child - and he does struggle with that. I’m hoping that will change sooner rather than later but it has been hard that he doesn’t feel he’s ready for that chapter of life yet – catching up with friends at the zoo instead of a bar. And he always planned on going travelling but when Covid hit we got pregnant instead. We talk about it a lot – we’ve always been good communicators – and we make sure that we’re open and understanding about our feelings. That’s really important because you can’t let something like that fester. And as a new mum I can also understand the feeling of losing some freedoms.
But aside from that, we do have the same goals in life. We recently celebrated our anniversary and had a big talk about what we want for our futures and we both want the exact same thing, which is ideal.
We really do make the dream team - I am incredibly lucky.
And even though he struggles with being a young dad we do both want another child. We plan on going travelling when the kids are older, we want to see the world together. We want to travel when the kids are older and see the world together. And in the meantime, I still like to pretend I’m 25.
Julie, 38, marketing executive
I never planned on being a woman who dates younger men. I’d been in a long-term relationship - almost 10 years - with a guy four years older and my boyfriends before that had always been at least a year or two older so I’d never dated anyone younger.
But after my breakup three years ago I went on the online dating apps and set the age range 30-40 (I was 35) to keep my options open. Most of the guys I matched with were my age or older but it never went past one or two dates as we just didn’t click. Then I matched with a 30-year-old - my toyboy, ha! - and we just got on amazingly from the start.
He is the youngest man I’ve dated and he’s five years younger than me - we’re together now. He’s 33 while I’m 38, but it’s actually closer to five and a half years, so I’ll be 39 before he’s 34. Honestly, that is scary but I think it’s just that turning 39 is scary for everyone.
I got the usual cougar jokes to begin with from friends and family, but nothing unpleasant or anything of genuine concern. I think a five-year age gap is probably a lot at, say, 20 and 25, but not so much when you’re in your 30s.
The best bit about having a “toyboy” is he definitely has more energy than older guys when it comes to being intimate - though that could just be because it’s who he is or because we click together rather than age, maybe? He also has less baggage than some older men I met who had ex-wives and children.
But he didn’t own a house when we met so that was scary - though how many single 30-year-olds do in Auckland?
He’s always been a bit of an old soul so we get along great - though there are times when his energy is a bit much for mine (not in the bedroom, ha!). A Friday is always for clocking off work and meeting mates for dinner and drinks and more drinks - there are times when I’d rather Friday was us getting home early and having takeaways and an early night to recover from the working week and not waste the weekend with a hangover.
Having different life timelines is definitely the biggest challenge and one we’re still working through - and the clock is ticking. I’ve not given him an ultimatum, but he knows I want children (at least one to see how we manage) and he understands how quickly we need to make that happen. He is reluctant because he doesn’t feel ready and he’s worried about “curtailing his freedom”.
So, we’re at a bit of a stalemate at the moment - but we definitely don’t want to end the relationship over it so he’ll just have to come round! Neither of us are bothered about marriage so that’s never been a problem.
And socialising has always been fine. He gets on with my friends and their husbands/partners and his friends and their girlfriends have always been lovely to me. There has been the occasional bit of friction (see above about Friday nights when I’m ready for home and he and his group are having a roadie again) but nothing that’s ever been a big problem.
We also have very similar interests - we’re both runners so we do that together now. We have some different interests but nothing to do with our ages and we’re happy to do our own thing then meet afterwards.
Also, I’m quite young looking so... no one has ever asked if I’m his older sister or worse.
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