Some things are hard to explain. And the extraordinary bond between grandparent and grandchild is perhaps one of them as recent research from Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia has suggested. The study reported that grannies may be even more emotionally connected to their grandkids than to their own sons and daughters.
But for this granny, there was another factor. Due to a genetic trait, we knew there was a 50-50 chance that Rose might have what is called benign neonatal familial convulsions. Her first fit happened when she was four days old.
Then followed countless trips back and forth to intensive care. When she was four months old, Rose began the tell-tale eye rolling when I was in charge. A certain terrified calmness took over as I rang my daughter and we called the ambulance. Hours later, she was back home, perfectly happy.
Does this account for that incredibly close bond I have with Rose, who stopped fitting at eight months and is now a happy, healthy five-year-old? Or is it because she looks a bit like me – my childhood pics could be her. Is it because she tells wonderful long stories (I can't help hoping she'll be an author like me). Or is it because my daughter (her mother) was already carrying Rose's egg when she was in my body? When her little brother George was born two years later, I did wonder if I'd feel the same. But I do.
My method of grandparenting is "inconsistency". We break the rules, such as eating in front of the television. I bribe them with chocolate buttons. I might let them stay up late when I babysit. Yet I have strict boundaries on safety. I'm constantly aware of the responsibility when they're in my care. This so-called myth that grandparents know what to do because they've done it before, isn't always true. Every child is different and accidents can happen. On the other hand, I have fun in a way I didn't always have with my three, partly because I was working as a freelance journalist at the same time. Being a grandparent gives you a pass to time off. Yesterday, George and I had a blissful half hour on the beach making stone castles. Rose and I pretend to be mermaids. I have a feeling of being on holiday when I'm with them.
This 'grand'-relationship sees both parties exploring new worlds: the children love playing with my computer as much as I hate grappling with their modern seatbelts. I've learnt to be more patient over small issues than I was as a mother because I've also learnt not to sweat the small stuff. They won't wear a coat? OK. Instead of arguing, I'll take it with me and they'll wear it when they're cold. Some people say that children and grandparents have a common enemy – the parents. I don't see it as that. It's more of a joke. "Don't tell your mother" is a favourite phrase of mine to Rose and George. They know I don't mean it.
But it's not all easy going. "It can be hard for grandparents who aren't nearby, especially if other grandparents in the family are closer," says Anne Waddington, psychotherapist and former child protection barrister. "Existing conflict in the family can also be illuminated by the arrival of grandchildren who might be used inadvertently as pawns. The key thing is communication and recognising that it should always be about the child. Whatever your feelings, being a grandparent is an opportunity for growth."
Perhaps I ought to remind my daughter when she's tired from juggling it all that one day she too – with luck – will be able to build pebble castles with her grandchildren on the beach and have ice creams in December before tea. I can just hear her saying: "Don't tell your mother".
