Some say online friends aren't the real thing; just pixels and pictures on a screen. Well if it isn't real - then why does it hurt so much? The sense of bewilderment is toughest. The, "Why won't you tell me what I did wrong?" feeling that won't go away. It taps into ancient abandonment issues we may not be aware we have but everyone does. Especially so if a past relationship ended with someone walking out on you; the scars never entirely heal. A fresh rejection wakes them up.
Counsellor Arabella Russell agrees: "Social media can be a great source of communication but it can also be a great battering ram on the self-esteem. If you're dropped it can have a really visceral effect: 'What have I done?' It's always what have I done. We immediately blame it on ourselves.
"An online friendship is absolutely real. It can become a lot more intense a lot more quickly than offline relationships and often we'll share things we wouldn't offline. So being defriended hurts. It's a rejection that plays to childhood feelings exactly the same way it did in the playground. It feels the same as an adult, no less harsh. We've been given no opportunity to speak our mind, compromise, negotiate, raise problems. We can use logic on it as adults and defend ourselves against the pain more successfully than when we were children. But the pain's the same."
Davina hasn't just stopped being my friend; she's deprived me of a proper ending and that niggles away at me. Endings are tough enough but when you aren't even given one, you have to try to find your own. Maybe she thought I over-shared, posted too many updates or took exception to something I said? It's like those one-sided conversations you have in dreams, you never get a response.
For women working from home, online friendships are a godsend. They give us watercooler moments; chat and gossip. But I wonder if they've also made us more vulnerable? It's so easy to dump an online friend. You need never see them again because of course, you never did. There are no consequences to ending a friendship this way.
An offline ending can be even tougher. As we get older we tend to lose touch with friends, especially if they were made in college or when your children were the same age, at the same school. But those tend to be functionary friendships. The ones that really matter transcend whatever it was brought you together and tend to last.
They hurt like hell if they come to an abrupt end. Perhaps it's slowly dawned on you someone you thought a friend never makes the effort to get in touch. It's always you doing the running. "What would happen if I stopped?" You wonder. So you do. You put it to the test. But you already know the answer.
They don't phone, they don't call, they don't text. "It may seem online life gives people a chance to just walk away from a friendship, but it's always been the case that you can be dropped. Social media just makes it easier and looks more brutal," adds Russell.
"Acknowledge it's painful. Don't think it shouldn't hurt because it has and it does. And if you are dropped, it's a reminder not to treat other people this way."
