Why all men are insecure about their height — even if they’re tall

Men are all insecure about their height — no matter what height they are. Photo / 123rf

OPINION

Fashion experts are convinced that Ron DeSantis, the American presidential candidate, has started wearing stacked heels to make himself look taller.

What makes these claims so intriguing is that DeSantis isn’t short. In fact, at 5′11, he’s 2 inches taller than the American average.

No doubt women will find this rather odd. Men, however, will understand. Because secretly, we men are all insecure about our height — no matter what height we are.

If we’re short, we get looked down on — both literally and figuratively. And if we’re very tall, we have to endure endless jokes about what the weather’s like up there.

If a man is short, he gets looked down on and if very tall, he has to endure endless jokes about what the weather’s like up there. Photo / Photograpee.eu

But even if, like Mr DeSantis, we’re just a little taller than average, we can still fret about it. Put it like this. When I was 18, I was exactly 6′0. Twenty-five years later, however, I’m 5′11½. Which means I’ve shrunk. Depressing enough.

What makes it worse, however, is this. If someone asks me what height I am, I can’t say I’m 5′11½, because that would make me sound pathetically neurotic — as if that extra half-inch is desperately important to me.

But I can’t say I’m 6′0, because I don’t want to be the kind of man who exaggerates his height. That too, after all, is pathetically neurotic. At the same time, though, I don’t want to say I’m 5′11 because, like any man, I don’t want to underplay my height. Which is of course pathetically neurotic.

As a result, I don’t know what to say. There’s literally no satisfactory answer I can give to a question about my height. In different ways, each of the above replies risks making me look ridiculous. As indeed does admitting it, in this column.

I’ve no doubt that short men, and very tall men, will think I’m moaning about nothing. They might well add that, if Ron DeSantis fears that 5′11 is inadequate, at least he has an excuse.

Call it coincidence if you like, but the fact is, American presidential elections are consistently won by whichever candidate is the taller. In the past 100 years, there have been 25 elections — and the taller man has won all but seven of them. And even the winners who were shorter weren’t strictly short.

American presidential elections are consistently won by whichever candidate is taller. Photo / Unsplash

In the past century, the shortest man to have won a presidential election was Harry S. Truman. He was 5′9: the American average. The election of 1940 was won by the shorter man, too: Franklin D. Roosevelt. He was 6′2.

Anyway, to earn the Republican nomination, DeSantis will almost certainly have to overcome the 6′2 Donald Trump: a man who’s pointedly taken to calling DeSantis “Tiny D”.

And if, somehow, Tiny D prevails, he’ll presumably be up against Joe Biden — who’s dead-on 6′0.

Looking at the historical record, therefore, a pair of stacked heels might seem a perfectly reasonable investment for any presidential candidate.

Even so, it strikes me as deeply unwise — for the simple reason that people are bound to notice you’re wearing them. Which is liable to make you a laughing stock. From now on, people won’t just be laughing at you for being short. They’ll be laughing at you for being insecure.

And, for a man, that’s the greatest nightmare of all. The truth about men is that we’re all insecure — but we don’t want anyone to know we’re insecure. Because we’re scared it’ll make us look weak.

So really, the thing we’re most insecure about is our insecurity.