It’s easy to feel hurt and bitter after you’ve been betrayed, dumped or divorced. Yet resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die, as the adage goes.
According to the Mayo Clinic, letting go of grudges and bitterness can reduce your stress, anxiety and depression, lower your blood pressure, strengthen your immune system and improve your heart health and self-esteem. In other words, letting go might be good for you.
No matter how long ago the damage happened, it’s never too late to reframe the story and consider forgiveness. Here are some suggestions on how to recover from heartache and move on.
1. Share your sorrow
Sharing your pain may help relieve the burden. Photo / 123rf
Sometimes revealing your romantic disappointments to others can make you relatable, likable and vulnerable in an empowering way. “After a messy breakup, I was embarrassed to admit the ugly details. But my mom and girlfriends really took care of me,” said Kal Phillips, a 23-year-old digital marketer in West Hollywood, California. “It was very grounding. Laughing and crying together made the sad story seem much less tragic – and more survivable.”
2. Celebrate your freedom
Remove your shackles. Photo / 123rf
“I feel more liberated being on my own,” said Jeff Vasishta, a divorced 56-year-old entertainment journalist in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. “I’m no longer walking on eggshells all the time. I can focus on myself and my work. Since I was unhappy at home, I went back to finish my graduate degree, which revitalised my career.” He added that he’s now free to look for jobs in other states, “something I wouldn’t have considered if I hadn’t had the need to reinvent myself after we split”.
3. Seek professional help
Talking it out with a professional can help. Photo / 123rf
If you’re having trouble getting over the hurt, exploring your feelings with someone you trust can be a good way to process pain. “A broken heart can trigger memories of early trauma,” said Manhattan psychiatrist Carlos Saavedra. “Oftentimes a mental health expert can help you navigate why you’re so stuck, grief-stricken or disturbed.”
After a horrible breakup with a boyfriend who’d lied to me about everything, I appreciated when my therapist reminded me, “You’re only guilty of believing what someone you love told you.”
4. Find the silver lining
Is there a bright side to the breakup? Photo / 123rf
Wonderful things can come from a failed relationship. “I still love skiing, though the guy who taught me is history,” recalled Ruth Bonapace, a 70-year-old mortgage loan officer in Leonia, New Jersey. “I feel gratitude for my amazing son.”
“My former husband is now a friend who supports me in doing what’s right for our child, despite our differences,” said Puloma Mukherjee, a 44-year-old investment analyst in Manhattan. “We’re better exes than we were spouses.” Thirty-eight years after Juan Gaddis, a 67-year-old DC property manager, ended a romance, he is still close to his ex’s three children. “I’m still her emergency contact and the kids are my family,” Gaddis said.
5. Redefine forgiveness
“There are ways to forgive someone who harmed you that are personal and not performative, where you’re not a punching bag or doormat,” said It’s Not You author Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist in Los Angeles.
She recommended learning to set boundaries “and work on feeling whole and safe. You can decide to forgive but never speak to the person again if that’s healthier for you. You don’t even have to tell them they are forgiven. Authentically letting go of the resentment is about you, not the other person.”
6. Reflect on your role in the breakup
Even if your ex is a total jerk, examine why you picked them. Or consider whether they just put the nail in the coffin of a union that was already dead. “It’s smart to question whether your story of being the only one wronged here is the whole truth. It rarely is,” said Love in 90 Days author Diana Kirschner, a psychologist in Boca Raton, Florida.
“It can be a powerful and brave act to admit your own mistakes. It might release you from feeling like a victim and eliminate the powerlessness that brings.”
7. Ask for reparations
After you split with a partner, there are varied methods to achieve closure. “If you feel wronged, ask for more alimony, child support or a cash payout,” said divorce coach Amy Polacko, co-author of the book “Framed” and a single mom in Ridgefield, Connecticut. “Living comfortably can have a huge impact on your emotional state and make it easier to create your next chapter.”
8. Write a letter
Get it all out in writing. Photo / 123rf
Instead of bottling up your feelings, ask someone in your past for an apology, pose questions or detail what haunts you most. While you don’t have to send it, sometimes it’s beneficial if you do. Author Deborah Copaken wrote to the fellow college student who’d raped her after a party 30 years before.
She thought he’d deny her accusation or ignore it. Instead, he immediately confessed that he was blackout drunk at the time and didn’t remember. Now sober, he told her, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” which she found liberating. “I have absolutely forgiven him,” Copaken said. “And it’s the most beautiful thing in the world.”
9. Make art from your pain
Bob Dylan’s breakup album Blood on the Tracks is critically acclaimed. More recently, Taylor Swift has made a cottage industry of songs about her former lovers. While my memoir about my exes didn’t turn into a film grossing millions, it did sell to Random House, launching my career and making the romantic agony I’d suffered feel worth it, as if I’d just been doing research. As Nora Ephron said, “Everything is copy.”
10. Embrace your future
Manhattan teacher Kate Walter, 75, was shocked when her long-term girlfriend broke up with her after 26 years together. But Walter worked through her sadness in therapy, then found a larger apartment and a new church, and landed a job promotion earning a higher salary.
The better her life became, the less resentment she felt. The happier you are in the here and now, the easier it will be to let go of regrets from your past, with or without forgiveness.
