Envy got you down? Acknowledge and reduce it to improve your emotional health and relationships. Photo / 123rf
Envy got you down? Acknowledge and reduce it to improve your emotional health and relationships. Photo / 123rf
Validating the feeling, practising gratitude and expressing ‘sympathetic joy’ can help us understand and accept envy.
Envy is an emotion that emerges when we covet what someone else has, and it can feel uncomfortable.
One of my former patients envied her brother’s successful career. While shewas working hard to pay the bills, he was vacationing around the world. “I’m such a terrible person for feeling this way,” she said. “Why can’t I feel happy for my brother?”
I reassured her envy isn’t a character flaw. Like all emotions, it’s something to notice and validate.
But in extreme cases, this emotion can turn malicious, causing us to bad-mouth the envied person or devalue their success. Perceiving another person as being better off can also fuel this spite and halt empathy, according to one study. And if you’ve ever felt this way, you probably know envy doesn’t discriminate. It can make us harbour ill feelings even towards people we love and care about.
However, envy doesn’t need to hinder us or our relationships. With a little self-reflection, we can understand and accept our envy, and reduce it by practising joy-sharing. Here are some ways to get started.
Validate your envy
When you’re hit with a wave of envy, acknowledge it. Merely saying “I feel envious” can ease the sting. One study found labelling our emotions can calm down the limbic system, the part of the brain responsible for regulating our emotions.
When we tend to our negative emotions, we are more likely to feel positive ones such as happiness and empathy.
Labelling your emotions can help calm the mind and ease envy. Photo / 123rf
Treat envy as a messenger
Envying another person’s career, money or happiness can make us feel immature and ashamed. And when this discomfort brews, it’s easy to mistake envy for an enemy. But just because an emotion feels terrible doesn’t mean it’s wrong or bad.
Envy is a valuable messenger, and one way to decode its meaning is to answer this question: “What’s at the root of my envy?”
The answer often will reveal your authentic desires. For example, envying a colleague’s pay rise or a friend’s stellar social circle probably indicates you want something similar. If that’s the case, ask yourself: “What’s my goal, and what actions can I take to accomplish this?”
While envy can shake up our self-confidence, identifying ways to meet our goals can help us feel empowered.
Show affection
It’s harder to let envy fester when we show affection. For example, one study found making eye contact when someone shares good news can generate empathy, helping us applaud their success.
The next time you envy a friend, colleague or partner, try making eye contact or offer your loved one a congratulatory hug. Research shows physical touch can increase levels of oxytocin. Known as the love drug, this hormone produces positive feelings, which promote bonding.
Practise gratitude
Envy can draw our attention to everything that’s lacking in our lives. But this mindset can make us feel small, scared and hopeless. Gratitude can inhibit these uncomfortable feelings.
Focus on the joyful things you have received. Start by trying to identify three things. Perhaps it was a compliment from a friend or help from a neighbour. Or it could be a dinner invitation or a chance to embark on a new opportunity.
As you do this exercise, pay close attention to the way it makes you feel. Research shows gratitude can boost our mood, tighten social relationships and spark joy.
Gratitude can strengthen social relationships. Photo / 123rf
Try sympathetic joy
Feeling joy when good fortune befalls someone else is called sympathetic joy. It’s the happiness we feel when a friend crushes a job interview or a loved one accomplishes a goal.
Sympathetic joy motivates us to shower the winner with praise. Not only does this make the other person feel good, but it benefits us. Positive emotions are contagious, according to research.
Accept kindness
In my psychotherapy practice, I find many people are quick to help others, but shy away from asking for support. Often, they are afraid of being needy or worried about coming across as a burden — even to a partner or close friend.
Considering another person’s feelings is thoughtful and empathic. However, when we struggle to accept kindness, we inadvertently cut ourselves off from joy-filled experiences such as being appreciated or cared for.
Kindness benefits both parties. Research shows it makes the giver, too, feel good. In addition, kindness fosters generosity and can make us more resilient to stress.
The next time you envy another person’s victory because you want the same thing, ask them for guidance. There’s a good chance they will be delighted to help. For example, if your work friend landed a dream job that you also wanted, ask for career advice.
When we let others help us, we realise that winning is rarely a zero-sum game. This insight can help us set aside social comparisons. And when this happens, envy doesn’t roar so loudly, making more room for joy.
Juli Fraga, PsyD, is a psychologist with a private practice in San Francisco.
