What to do to help your child make friends

Friendship is a bond of mutual understanding. Photo / iStock

My child is starting school, and I'd like her to make a more substantial friend. She is friendly and funny and friends with many of her kindergarten classmates, but she doesn't have a special "best friend." Often, she'll adopt a best friend at the start of a new school or camp, but if the relationship doesn't take for whatever reason, she is disappointed and doesn't persist. Am I worrying for nothing, or should we suggest cultivating a more sustained friendship?

Friendship is a big topic in the lower grades. Many parents, teachers, counsellors and school administrators place an emphasis on making friends and go out of their way to make children feel comfortable with one another. There are mantras, chants, songs, circle time activities, slogans that hang on walls and verbal and visual reminders.

The schools emphasise that everyone is "already a potential friend" and encourage every student to go out of his way to stay friends with classmates. Hurt feelings are an anathema and meetings are called to force apologies for perceived slights.

Often, parents are a driving force behind this. I am not sure when this pressure started. At some point, expecting and facilitating kindness and good manners in classrooms turned into an emphasis on friendship. And that is a very different emphasis, indeed.

Kindness is showing compassion and loving concern for another person (which children naturally do). Friendship is a bond of mutual understanding. It requires vulnerability and selflessness. Working with this definition, it is unreasonable to expect young children to have true friendship until they are around seven years old (sometimes younger, sometimes much later).

So, while parents and teachers can model and emphasise consideration, compassion, kind words and actions and thoughtfulness, friendships can never be forced.

You cannot reward or punish a child into a friendship.

You cannot coerce or shame a child into a friendship.

You cannot want a friendship for your child so much that you make it happen.

What is a parent to do, then?

A couple of points:

First, accept the child you have in front of you. Some cultures prize extroversion, brash overtures and proof of having many friends (hello, Facebook), your child may not be like that.

It is unreasonable to expect young children to have true friendship until they are around seven years old

You may also ask whether you are you desperate for your child to have something you didn't have as a child (or don't have now, as an adult)? I mean this question sincerely. Do you wish your parents had encouraged you in your childhood friendships more? Do you wish that you had more social skills? Do you wish you and your husband had more friends? Do you long to reach out more? These questions can help you assess how you feel about friendships, and to be sure you are parenting objectively (as much as possible). When we see our children with clear eyes and a clear mind, we can appreciate the difference between what our child needs and what we want.

Second, it is normal for 6-year-olds to have frequent miscommunications, missed signals and confusion in these budding friendships. One day, everything is wonderful; the next day the friendship has disappeared into the ether. Alliances switch, feelings get hurt and many tears are shed.

The best thing a parent or teacher can do is to not force these friendships. Do not go overboard with mediating, or forced or scripted communication. You also shouldn't push children together. This leads to resentment and, even worse, the message that it is more important to please others than it is to listen to yourself. Girls, especially, are pressured to "be nice" and "make it okay," and this is not a message that is beneficial as they get older.

This leads to my third point: You can instead create conditions that help friendships blossom. Look at yourself as a gardener rather than a sculptor (to borrow terminology from child and parenting specialist Gordon Neufeld). Let's make the soil rich and ready to welcome seeds of friendship rather than hacking away at the child, trying to construct the friendships.

Girls, especially, are pressured to "be nice" and "make it okay," and this is not a message that is beneficial as they get older.

Here are some ways to do that

1. Find playmates who are a good fit. I have a child who is liked by many, but she only likes a few of the children. She prefers quiet, agreeable and physical children. I had to learn that about her and support it. Just because children want to play with her doesn't mean she has to play with them. That is true for all children.

2. Keep play dates somewhat structured and short. A little structure makes many children feel safe, and ending the play dates before boredom and frustration set in helps keep the experience positive.

3. Allow the buddies to tussle a little, but not too much. You don't need to step in at every disagreement, but you need to be ready to listen for extreme bossiness, meanness, and hurtful words or actions.

Your daughter will shed many tears about her friendships as she grows. Be a safe haven for all of those tears. Listen, keep an open mind and make all feelings safe. There will be times to advise, times to step in, times to be sad with her and times when there is nothing to be done but listen to her weep. Be open to all of it. Good luck.