Kensington Palace have released a new photo of Prince George for his second birthday. Photo / AP
As Prince George celebrates his second birthday, some words of advice for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.
Prince George has turned two and, as a mother of a two-year-old myself, I can give the Duchess of Cambridge a pretty good idea of what life will be like over the coming year.
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• George's cute birthday photo
Being a toddler is the best practice ever for ruling a country. Most mothers of children in this age group spend a lot of time persuading their offspring that not everything is "mine" (which may be harder when your son is the heir to the throne).
Two-year-olds are control freaks - "me do it!" - with no fine motor skills. They see no difference between giving you a sweet snuggle and smacking you in the face with a toy hammer.
They have no bodily fears or concept of gravity. They never stop moving and never want to sleep. They're clingy and whiny and shouty, and so, so heavy (my goodness, they're heavy). But all it takes is one spontaneous little kiss and you'd forgive them (almost) everything.
So I wish the Duchess the best of luck over the next year. It will be exhausting and infuriating, but also fun. Because these are the rules by which every self-respecting 2-year-old swears:
There is no pain like a reverse headbutt to the windpipe, delivered during, say, the unwelcome application of footwear. See also: biting, hair-pulling, pinching and the following patented manoeuvres:
• Donkey-kicking during nappy changes.
• The raised arms shoulder-socket release to avoid being picked up.
• The arched back or "planking" to avoid being strapped into the buggy/car seat.
Every phone call you make from now on will be drowned out by blood-curdling screams of "Dadddeee!". George will delight in this, especially since "Dadddeee" started his new job last week. For the Duchess, this could mean frantic scrabbling for the phone while she tries to converse with Michelle Obama/Emilia Wickstead/potential housekeepers at an audible volume while holding the handset as high up in the air as possible, still attached to her ear.
George will be sticking to the niceties of toddler etiquette at mealtimes - mostly throwing things on the floor and shouting "no". Be aware that a stray raisin peeled off one of the wheels of Charlotte's Silver Cross pram will be deemed absolutely delicious. Gardens will give new meaning to dining al fresco as George keeps up with the foraging trend, investigating mud, snails, drain water etc. Bathtime is little more than an all-you-can-eat buffet; the bath water, the face flannel and the rubber duck are all irresistible delicacies. And nappy cream is like caviar for toddlers, best served straight from the bottom. In fact, the only thing your toddler will consistently refuse to put in their mouth will be ... a toothbrush.
George may have been styled in his adorable vintage tank tops, shorts and knee-high socks, but what he really wants to wear is nothing. Thanks to In the Night Garden's trouser-dropping tombliboos, every child now thinks it's their right to take off their shorts and swing them around their head. "Chase! Chase!" is a favourite game at the best of times, but children are never faster than when they don't have any bottom halves on.
The Duchess may have Mario Testino as her official photographer, but when it's just the two of them, George will no doubt display all the modelling prowess of any modern-day toddler: devoting less than a second of his time to posing for photos, followed by 10 minutes of indignantly screaming to see the as-yet-untaken pictures while trying to wrestle away the phone or camera from her.
There is nothing a toddler likes more than repetition ... apart from "more!" repetition. The Gruffalo will always sound better to George on its tenth reading than the first (Kate: feel free to hide books you hate - we all do); that funny face gets funnier every time you do it; and don't get me started on The Wheels on the Bus.
And obviously, if you ever decide to tune out, just for a minute of your own sanity ... that will be the moment he's actually trying to tell you Lupo has wee-d on the rug.
It's amazing what can amaze a toddler. Everything warrants a closer inspection: every stone, every plane in the sky, every discarded cigarette packet. And George will need to stop every few steps to exclaim or point or just sit for no particular reason. On the bright side, this will be excellent practice for his meet-the-public walkabouts later in life.
From "Mummy, why has that lady got a big bottom?" to "Ugh, he smells!", centuries of royal diplomacy are about to go out of the window as George pipes up with his own views on the world.
The Duchess will spend a huge portion of most social encounters saying "be gentle", as members of the public politely endure having their eyeballs poked. (See also: noses. Toddlers, especially boys, love exploring nostrils, both removing items from and inserting objects into; usually, but not always, their own).
And it might be time for a rethink of those signature ladylike skirts, unless the Duchess doesn't mind having her knickers exposed by a 2-year-old playing tent while she's watching Trooping the Colour.
The royal family have always been keen hunters, and now George is likely to continue that tradition with "mummy traps". Lego, toy cars, puddles of sun cream and Little Land figurines will all find their way beneath her LK Bennett wedges. No doubt George already has a Sophie The Giraffe, but a 2-year-old prefers to relieve teething pains by chewing on something dangerous or irreplaceable. I'd advise checking for toothmarks on heirlooms at Kensington Palace. The Duchess also must never relax and think: "Ah, a bit of peace - he's finally learned to play on his own." That is how palace walls get graffiti-ed in crayon.
Even if your home is immaculate (few toddlers' homes are), things will still go missing, thanks to every 2-year-old's love of Hiding Vital Things In Weird Places. Can't find your credit cards, Kate? Check your Chameau wellies. Lost your phone? Look in Lupo's basket. Missing keys? Try the throne room. You get the idea.
She never told them the five-course meal was vegan. So a cousin decided to act.