What not to say to a friend with depression – and what to say instead

Depression requires patience, understanding and meaningful connections to support recovery. Photo / 123RF

It can be difficult to speak to someone suffering with their mental health – but there are ways to handle it sensitively

Thirty-year-old Adam* is not often lost for words, but confesses he was unprepared for one piece of unsolicited mental health advice he received from a love interest one night.

“I was on a date and mentioned that I was seeing a therapist,” he says. “I told them that I was diagnosed with severe depression in my early 20s, and then they suggested that, instead of therapy, I should try ‘manifesting happiness’ – whatever that means.”

Language around mental health conditions is evolving as quickly as our approaches to treating them. But speak to anyone suffering from depression and they can reel off a list of the unhelpful advice people have offered, dismissive comments, and suggestions to “just cheer up”.

“It just ends up making you feel worse, because when you’re really depressed you feel like a failure anyway,” says Adam. “When someone says ‘just cheer up’ or ‘have you tried going for a run’, they mean well, but they don’t realise you’ve really tried to do those things. They’re just reminding you that you’re failing to be ‘normal’.”

That’s not to say people suffering from depression should be left alone. A major study from the University Of New South Wales in Australia found that the more socially connected people with depression are, the better their outcomes.

Of course, it can be challenging to find the right thing to say without coming across as trite, patronising, or critical. Here’s how to handle it, according to experts.

What not to say to someone with depression

‘How are you?’

The lack of specificity in the question makes it too easy for people to avoid answering, says Lucia Capobianco, a learning and development consultant at Samaritans. “It’s too easy to just say ‘I’m fine’, and then they shut down again. Instead, “it’s good to use open questions to give people space to talk. You might say ‘how are you feeling?’ which offers a bit more empathy.”

“Have you tried…?”

Yes, yes, and yes again. Whether it’s going for a run, getting some fresh air, meditation, you can guarantee that the person with depression has heard the advice before. “It’s annoying to get the generic advice,” says Ben*, 45, from Yorkshire who has lived with clinical depression for five years. “It’s so patronising. Do you think if it was that easy I wouldn’t have tried it already? It makes you feel like a problem to be solved.”

“Just cheer up” can inadvertently deepen feelings of failure in someone with depression. Photo / 123RF

‘I know how you feel’

It’s important for a person with depression to know that you can offer empathy, but you can go too far. “It’s easy to listen and respond rather than just letting them talk to you,” says Capobianco. “What they want is to just tell you how they feel, let it out and share what’s going on with them. If you quickly jump in and start talking about your experience, it can make them feel like you don’t really want to engage with them.”

‘How can I help?’

When you’re suffering from depression, even the basic parts of life admin can feel overwhelming. “There’s a decision-fatigue that sets in where even simple questions can feel like a huge choice,” explains clinical psychologist Dr Jo Perkins. “Instead of offering an open-ended array of ways you can help, be specific and practical. Say ‘can I cook you dinner?’ or ‘could I take your dog out for a walk for you?’

Nothing at all

As with many serious illnesses, when someone has depression it can be easy to worry about saying the wrong thing, and then find yourself saying nothing and leaving the person entirely alone. “Just knowing there are folks who want to connect is always a big help when I’m in a depressive episode,” says Ben.

How to talk to someone with depression

Set the terms of the conversation

Most ill feelings are caused when we find our conversations at crossed purposes. One person wants to have an emotional conversation, while the other is focused on practicalities. Letting a person with depression choose how they want to converse can help them open up, says Sarah*, 24, who suffers from depression.

“A friend once asked ‘do you want me to offer advice? Do you want me to take your side? Or do you just want me to listen?’” she explains. “I found that so helpful because it makes sure they’re not trying to fix all my problems, but if I need that, then I can ask.”

Have no expectations

“It’s really hard to do, partly because you have your own feelings, but also because it’s someone you love and you want to see them getting better,” says Dr Perkins. “But you have to remember that someone with depression is not able to access the same feelings that you can, you can’t expect them to behave in a rational way. If you do something nice or send a text, don’t expect a response. But still try to do it anyway.”

Let them know it’s okay to feel how they’re feeling

“The best thing anyone ever said to me about my mental health was my dad, who said: ‘You have an artistic soul, and such a soul experiences highs higher and lows lower’,” says Sarah. “He didn’t say there was anything wrong with me, or that I needed to be fixed, just showed me that he saw my struggles, understood they were real. That made me feel so safe to talk to him about any problems I was facing.”

Many mental health experts recommend listening over offering advice to someone with depression. Photo / 123RF

Allow them to talk

“You want them to come out of their shell in a way that hasn’t got any pressure,” says Dr Perkins. “They may be feeling sluggish and struggling to articulate what to say, so it’s about being patient and not talking over them.

“Just being with them can be very soothing in a way that, if you haven’t had depression, you may not understand. That way you’re not making them feel like ‘this person wants something that I can’t give to them’ and getting even more stressed.”

Asking them, “Are you having any suicidal thoughts?” won’t be appropriate a lot of the time, but Capobianco says it’s important not to ignore a crisis if you think one could be brewing. “We know that people worry about putting thoughts into people’s heads, but actually if you ask a question you can help them open up,” she advises. “It might be the thing they need to feel they have permission to say how they feel.”

Remember that depression can’t be rushed

According to Adam, one piece of advice which helped him in coping with his depression was to not rush his feelings. “A friend told me that I didn’t have to force myself to feel happy when I wasn’t,” he says. “A depression slump is, sadly, a journey. But you do start doing things which bring you joy, gradually, often without realising it. The people who provide safety and comfort when you’re down are the people you appreciate when you’re up again.”

* Names have been changed