Patrick Dempsey was named the ‘sexiest man alive’ by People magazine in its 2023 awards
Michelle Kasey is an Auckland-based sex and relationships therapist who has worked with clients in NZ and around the world for more than six years. She is also a professional burlesque artist, champion pole dancer and writer.
OPINION
What makes a man desirable to women? Whether he’snavigating today’s complicated dating landscape, or has been married for decades – is it wealth, looks, or charm that matters most? Are women simply looking for someone who makes them laugh, or are they drawn to something deeper? As a sex and relationships therapist, I have been witness to thousands of hours of honest conversations with frustrated couples, women seeking a match, and men struggling to connect and build healthy relationships with the opposite sex.
In today’s world, heterosexual relationships are undergoing a profound transformation. Women are raising their standards, and men are finding themselves challenged to evolve and meet the new bar. A client said to me recently, “Women just want men with money”. This isn’t true. Women make their own money now and are rarely interested in superficial attributes. Some women may look for a finance guy with a trust fund, yes, but the majority are looking for men with inner qualities that foster deep and authentic connection (who also smell good).
Women are most interested in how a man makes her feel, how he shows up emotionally and relationally. By the end of this article, you’ll understand what I mean as we explore three common mistakes men make in relationships and how they can turn these setbacks into strengths.
Patrick Dempsey was named the sexiest man alive in 2023 by People magazine in its annual awards. Photo / ABC
MISTAKE: Emotional unavailability
INSTEAD: Emotional intelligence
One of the biggest changes in relationships today is the new value placed on emotional intelligence. Gone are the days where emotional suppression was seen as a strength in men. Before I lose you, this change isn’t about diminishing masculinity; it’s about enhancing it with the richness of emotional depth. Today, women want partners who can listen, empathise, self-reflect, and share their thoughts and feelings openly. They want men who can be strong and tender. Men who have the skills to make them feel seen, heard and emotionally safe.
Let me be clear, emotional openness is not the same as being emotionally leaky. Women are likely to be turned off by men who have difficulty regulating their own emotions. A man who can artfully navigate his own emotional world – feeling and communicating his emotions when appropriate, and staying grounded and non-reactive when she needs his stability – is sexy. Investing the time and energy into learning how to embody this will make you deeply trustworthy and far more attractive to the feminine.
I also empathise with how this can be hard for men. Culture has taught men to keep a lid on it and prioritise rationality for fear of being judged as weak. But I think we are all at a point of agreement that this has not been good for men’s mental health. It has also not been good for their relationship satisfaction, which is why it continues to be important for us to embrace vulnerability as a masculine strength, not a weakness.
If you’re a man who wants to improve your EQ, practising emotional openness through journalling and therapy can be great starting points.
One of the mistakes men make in relationships is paying more attention to their phones than their partners, says relationship therapist Michelle Kasey. Photo / 123rf
MISTAKE: Distracted
INSTEAD: Deeply present
Many men are there, but not there in their relationships. Perhaps they’re habitually checking email notifications, browsing the internet, or scrolling on social media. Perhaps they have tunnel vision on their career, driven by the immense social pressure to succeed professionally and financially. Perhaps they are giving more attention to women on their screens than the women in their lives.
Digital distractions, high levels of stress and feeling overwhelmed, and unresolved emotions and past traumas can interfere with one’s ability to be present and engaged in relationships.
I’ve heard this relationship story many times: “He goes to work, comes home, checks his phone throughout dinner, and then falls asleep on the couch with the TV playing. I know he’s tired from work, but he never brings any of his best energy to our relationship. And when he does make an effort, after I’ve asked him to put more effort in, he sees it as a favour to me and expects to be rewarded, which makes me feel equally as resentful.”
Consistently engaging in a relationship, without relying on prompts from a partner, builds trust and protects your relationship from accumulating hurt and resentment. Feeling that your partner is there, physically and emotionally, makes women feel safe and that they can rely on a man.
Is this resonating with you? Presence requires you to set boundaries with work and device usage, practice self-care to actively manage stress, and strengthen your mindfulness skills through practices such as meditation and breathwork.
Personal growth has become essential in modern relationships. Many men avoid taking responsibility for their own growth and healing, believing that if they repress their demons, they aren’t causing trouble for anyone else. In reality, the unwillingness to address and heal buried pain can unintentionally place that responsibility on a partner. Relationships are mirrors, reflecting back to us the areas where we need to do inner work. A less desirable partner may blame their partner for relationship issues rather than looking inward and addressing their own shortcomings.
Women expect their partners to be committed to their own growth, just as they are to theirs. This means being open to feedback, willing to work on personal issues, and continuously striving to be a better partner. Men’s coach John Wineland says: “A man on a path of growth and self-improvement brings a dynamic energy to his relationships, inspiring his partner and creating a foundation for mutual evolution.”
Most men who come to work with me have been dragged there by partners for couples therapy or have been given an ultimatum to work on themselves otherwise she’s leaving. I’d love to see more men proactively doing their inner work rather than waiting to suffer the pain of loss before making changes.
Embracing these shifts is not just about meeting women’s higher standards; it’s about becoming a more authentic, fulfilled, and connected individual. In the words of John Wineland: “The journey of becoming a desirable man is ultimately a journey toward your deepest, truest self.”
