What it’s like to grow up as an only child

Only children share how their upbringing influenced their independence, generosity and perfectionism. Photo / Getty Images

Isabeau Brimeau, an only child, speaks to others without siblings about their experiences

Humans are curious creatures. We’re forever trying to understand what made us into the person we are today. How much can we attribute to our family and our upbringing? Are your personality traits unique, or are they behaviours learnt? If you have siblings you might discuss this together, attribute certain characteristics and idiosyncrasies to your parents or home environment.

Without siblings to compare notes with, these are things I’ve mulled over on my own. Until recently, when I decided to see if others would share with me what life was like growing up without siblings, how it’s shaped them as people and if there are commonalities among us.

This is not psychological research and by no means intended to discourage or deter people from having only one child. There are so many reasons – more than I could ever acknowledge in this article – that people have smaller families. This piece is simply made up of real recounts from those growing up without siblings. Some names have been changed.

“It’s the thing that I wonder... What would someone who had also had my upbringing have been like? Am I the way I am because of how I was brought up? Was it nature versus nurture? It would have been interesting to see.” – Kat, 29.

What really shone through for me was how caring, giving and empathetic everyone was. From gift-giving and acts of service to being mindful to always include others, I noted that these only children were not only generous with their money and things, but also their time.

Lawson, 31, and I swapped childhood stories of being caught gifting family possessions to our friends in what we saw to be an act of affection. We questioned whether this was a behaviour learnt. “Are we more generous because our parents show us love by giving us things? And we think that’s how you show love?” Lawson asked.

Kat watched her dad perform acts of service for his friends and in turn has mirrored that love language.

Millie, 28, also agreed, “You’re getting two people’s full love and attention, so it makes you in turn want to pass on that love.”

As children, we spent a lot of time either with adults or on our own, and that could be very lonely. But loneliness cultivated independence. From making our own fun and figuring things out for ourselves, to taking on “adult” roles such as cooking or being a parent’s confidant, a lot of us felt we grew up quicker, too.

So, how does that early independence show up in us today? Most of the group confessed that they’re not great at asking for help.

Toby, 31, said he is more than happy to do things for people, but would never expect nor ask for it in return. Ruby, 33, disclosed that she’s only recently started opening up to friends for emotional support.

And for some, it was a necessity to ensure they could look after themselves, “For a long time I felt like a little lone island, almost like it would only ever be me, no matter if I was in a relationship or not. That I needed to be able to do everything that I needed, because I was used to that. Not that I couldn’t rely on anyone, but more that I was a solo operation,” explained Millie.

Mille with a hat.

There also appeared to be a correlation between how we’ve grown up in solitude and how we’ve all turned out to be quite particular people. We put this down to spending our childhood years having our things – and for the most part our lives – exactly how we like them. But we’re not only particular. When asked where they sat on a scale of one-perfectionism, everyone said perfectionist.

Toby admitted that he didn’t see it as a positive trait and felt that it hamstrung him a bit, especially in his professional life.

Ruby is working on coming to terms with the fact that it’s impossible to be perfect, but it still makes her mad.

And Lawson believed that without siblings to learn from, we’re determined to get things right the first time. There’s no one to learn from and also no one to take the spotlight away from us.

“I felt that growing up as an only child, I had too much attention and too much pressure put on me,” revealed Toby.

The strongest shared opinion was around having children. Regardless of whether people actively wanted kids, everyone agreed that they’d choose to have more than one child. Primarily, to give their children what they didn’t get to experience.

Millie wishes for a big family, having always loved the chaos of bigger households: “I want that busy, frantic, family vibe. I didn’t have that as a kid, so I want to experience that as a family.”

Others were a little envious.

“If I had kids, I would want them to have siblings. I look at my friends with siblings and I think ‘you lucky buggers, that looks nice!’” laughed Eddie, 35.

Ash, 30, said her choice to have two children has helped her heal: “I watch them playing in the sandpit and that’s what the child inside me really needed to see.”

Ash's boys in sandpit.

Despite being unanimous on wanting more than one child, not everyone wished for a sibling when growing up. I begged my parents, Millie would dissolve into tears at the supermarket when told “they’d sold out of sisters”, and Eddie dreamed of having a twin brother to play tennis with.

Interestingly, two friends were presented with the possibility of having a sibling and neither wanted another child to enter their family dynamic.

So, could it be the case that the grass is always greener?

“It’s a desire, something that you’ve always wanted and you’re never going to have,” explains Ash.

For those of us still yearning for a sibling, it appeared to be the connection and support we romaticised most.

“They’re the only other person that’s going to go through growing up with you. There’s that bond. I’ve seen it and you want it,” summarised Lawson.

It was during the hard times that people really felt the sibling gap – parents separating, parents being unwell and the daunting thought of what’s to come.

“There’s going to come this point when something happens with your parents and you’re going to have to deal with that on your own,” said Millie, her voice shaking.

Kat with her dad.

Like every family dynamic, there are pros and cons. And being an only child certainly has its positives.

Some people spoke about how they didn’t think they’d be as close with their parents, while others spoke highly about the opportunities and support they were given throughout their lives. And for the most part, there was a lot of love given to us.

Eddie even pointed out that by being the only child, we never have to think about whether we are the favourite child.