Older women are amazingly accomplished and interesting, why shouldn't their dating life follow suit? Photo / Getty Images
In a novel inspired by her own midlife dating experiences, Niloufar Lamakan was keen to defy expectations of age-appropriate behaviour.
When Niloufar Lamakan, 66, set out to write a novel about 60-something dating, she wanted to reflect mature female desire. “It doesn’t go away. We still love sex. We still find men desirable,” she insists.
To her frustration, romantic books and films rarely feature a main character past 40. “And if they do, they’re normally a supporting character or someone who spends their life looking after other people. Women in their 60s fall in love. They have a lot going on. When actresses like Michelle Yeoh and Jennifer Coolidge win major awards, it underlines what we older women already know to be true: we are amazingly accomplished and interesting.”
A successful interior designer, Lamakan is pretty accomplished herself. But in her debut novel, Aged to Perfection, she was keen to defy expectations of age-appropriate behaviour. Her heroine Sophia, 60, also an interior designer, has sworn off love after a devastating break-up, but then she sets herself a New Year challenge. She’ll go on 52 dates without emotional entanglement. It’s inspired by Lamakan’s experiences as a midlife dater, along with friends’ anecdotes.
“I started out writing about myself but quite soon Sophia took on a life of her own.”
All the dates have pseudonyms, including The Opera Buff, Ooh La La Trousers, Mr Full of Himself, and yes … The Orgasm Whisperer. She won’t reveal if any are true (“it’s a mash-up”), but several scenarios come from real life.
“I went to a chocolate tasting workshop that gave me an idea for a scene in my book where a handsome man teaches a room of women how to taste chocolate. The atmosphere was so erotic, it almost caused a mass silent orgasm.”
Lamakan’s heroine is looking for men aged 45-61, though a few toy boys sneak in, dubbed the “Bus Stop Boys” (because that’s where she meets them). At first, Sophia revels in their athleticism. But, oh dear, when they reach the bedroom … there’s no foreplay. “He treated it like a microwave meal; no preparation and hoping for a ping of satisfaction in three minutes or less,” she complains.
“What a shame for young women,” Lamakan sighs. “Because the men watch porn, and the women watch porn as well, so they get those values foisted on to them. It’s all for the boys’ pleasure and you have to comply with that as a young woman, which is awful.”
We meet for the interview in a lovely old pub near her Islington flat. The clock is permanently stuck at 1.10pm, a metaphor perhaps for holding back the years. Dressed in a leather jacket, jeans and Frida Kahlo T-shirt, Lamakan looks a decade younger than she really is.
As well as dating, the novel touches on divorce, infertility, cancer, ageing parents, loneliness. I tell her that I, too, am dipping my toe back in the water, after the end of a five-year relationship. Can she give me some tips?
To my surprise, her first piece of advice is to come off the apps: “I was on them for a few years and went out with a few people. But I found them soul-destroying. There’s so much scope for people not being themselves or lying, or not wanting relationships and pretending they do.”
One of the stories in the book is based on a man Lamakan was matched with.
“He was very good-looking and seemed normal. In the picture, he had his arm around a woman who looked a bit like a trad wife, with a sensible haircut and a blue gingham dress. All lovely, except her face had been scratched out. Who would look at that picture and think: ‘Oh, I’ll go out with him’?”
Far better, she thinks, to be proactive and go out to meet new people, or be set up by friends.
Lamakan has never married or had children but she’s led an eventful life. Born in Iran, she came to England aged 12. The family settled in Torquay, which she found quiet after cosmopolitan Tehran.
After the 1979 Iranian Revolution, the Shah was deposed and her father lost his military pension, so her mother made ends meet by running a B&B.
Lamakan longed to study fashion but it wasn’t considered a proper job, so she did economic theory at Hull, then moved to London and worked in IT for the NHS. In her late 40s she took an interior design course and at 59 started creative writing courses. Her plan was to write a family saga called “From Tehran to Torquay”, but one week during a poetry class, she came up with a naughty verse about her sex drought, where she talked about having “vagina throbs”. The class collapsed in laughter.
She realised it had comic potential and decided to write a novel about midlife dating. The unpublished manuscript won the Commendation award at Helen Lederer’s Comedy Women in Print awards, which led to a publishing deal with HarperCollins.
Lamakan knows her book may cause ripples in her traditional Iranian family.
“I said: ‘Mum, you are going to be shocked, but just remember, it’s fiction’.” If you’re Iranian, you just don’t talk about sex, she confides. “Especially if you’ve never been married – even though I’m 66!”
She confides that in her 20s she was desperate to get married: “I had relationships, but none came to anything. I was really upset about it. But after a while, I thought: I have a really good life, good job, friends. I’m not going to let that one thing rule my life. And it’s liberating. If I met someone, he’d need to enhance my life. But if I don’t, I’ve got so much to be happy about.”
Ditch the dating apps
I know a few people who’ve met online and gone on to be happily married but the majority of people don’t have good experiences, if my friends’ stories are anything to go by. I personally found them soul-destroying. So my advice is stop staring at your phone and go back out there. Go bowling, join the pub film quiz. But maybe give the sewing group a miss. Do stuff that you enjoy but that men like to do as well. At best, you’ll meet someone fabulous and at worst you will have enjoyed yourself and learnt a new skill.
Start with a coffee
Don’t go for a three-course meal. It’s too much pressure and expensive. A nice café can be more relaxed and you both know it’s just for an hour or so. Meet at around 11am. If it’s going really well, you can always stay on for lunch. But I would suggest avoiding alcohol. You’re nervous, so you drink more and then you don’t get a proper sense of the person and probably don’t project the best version of yourself either.
Dress for yourself
Wear something that’s going to portray your best self, but also that you feel comfortable in. Don’t show too much cleavage and don’t wear too-tight clothes unless that’s how you usually dress. And don’t try too hard, because if the image you project isn’t you, it won’t work ultimately.
Accept your body
I really admire Gen Z for being more accepting of different body shapes and sizes so try to adopt that attitude. But I think it’s really tough for women of my generation. Personally, I feel the media and fashion industries’ obsession with thin has been ingrained in me through years of brainwashing. I try to be more accepting of my body but don’t always succeed. So my advice is to be more Gen Z.
You don’t have to sleep together immediately
If you meet someone and see potential in it, maybe hold back a little bit, because sex does confuse things, especially right at the beginning when it can be really passionate and exciting. It’s often better to try to get to know a person.
And if the sex is disappointing?
At our age, things don’t always work out straight away. I feel for men because it must be awful if you want to, and then you can’t. Post-menopausal women can experience problems too so it’s best to be relaxed. Laughing at yourselves can be a good way of coming closer, which could improve your next experience.
Don’t get disheartened
When you’re younger, it’s more about living in the moment without worrying about the future. At this age we bring a lot more baggage and have more at stake. Try not to invest too much emotionally too soon.
Take off the love goggles
I am guilty as anyone about overlooking the red flags, because you think, “Oh, I fancy the look of him or he has a way with words.” You project what you want on to them, and they’re not that person, so inevitably you get disappointed.
You don’t have to live together
Many couples in their 60s retain their own spaces, then come together when they want to, and their relationships are just as strong as couples who live together. A little bit of space and separate finances maintains your independence. And you can go back to your own bed if your IBS is playing up!
Experience is never wasted
Even if there’s no spark, or a relationship ends acrimoniously, it’s good to think: “Okay, I went through that. Yes it didn’t work out and I’m hurting. But I learnt something important about myself.” Or even: “Damn I did that again! But I’m going to learn from my mistakes.”
Don’t stay to be polite
If you think about it, on that first date, they’re supposed to be showing you their best self because you’re evaluating each other. If they’re below par, turn up late or don’t make an effort, don’t see them anymore because it’s never going to get better. A second date should be for someone who is good enough now, not someone he could be in the future if you change him, which won’t happen of course.
It doesn’t have to be exclusive
Be open to different types of relationships. You don’t have to find “the one” (again) and marry them. There are lots of other models you could work with. If it’s passionate and lovely, enjoy the buzz for two or three months. Harness that energy. Then move on, if you want different things. Or do it again if you want a fling. As long as you’ve got plenty of other things going on in your life, and you both know the rules, where’s the harm?
Stay safe
It’s frustrating that women have to adjust the way they live to stay safe from a few badly behaved men. One day, society will hold those men accountable for their behaviour instead of expecting us to adapt to them, but until then, always meet in a public place, never their house, and tell a friend where you’ll be and get them to check in on you. Or do a judo class. You might meet a good one there!
Romance fraud is a thing
Never ever lend money. Tell them in the politest way, right from the beginning, that you’re not a bank and won’t be paying for their mother’s operation, or bailing them out if they’re taken hostage by bad men! If they’re after money they may give up, and if they’re not they’ll appreciate how fabulously smart you are.
Don’t become obsessed
If you’re too focused on dating, it can take over your life and make you seem desperate. If you need a person there to make you happy, you’re less likely to find that person, because we need to be happy in ourselves first. That’s what makes us attractive to other people.
Get in the right mindset
Be present and mindful. If you’re in that mindset that says: “I’m open to meeting people”, people will come to you. I don’t mean standing around twirling your beads, but being mentally open. Practice openness every morning by holding out your arms, taking a deep breath and expanding your chest to receive all the joy in the world.
Aged to Perfection by Niloufar Lamakan (HarperCollins) is available as an eBook now, and released in paperback in June
NY Times: Expecting a spouse to be both friend and lover is a relatively new concept.