'What I wish someone had told me about child birth'

The things you need to know about giving birth are revealed in a new book. Photo / Getty

By Jamila Rizvi

I uttered those exact words to a girlfriend just a few days after giving birth. I was still coming to terms with what I'd experienced. Yet to develop a sense of triumph, I remained lost in a fog of painkillers, hormones and did-that-even-really-happen?

In truth, I was in shock for weeks, left reeling from an experience that my husband described as like being in a war zone.

Perhaps I should have been better prepared. I could have attended some classes at the hospital, rather than skipping out on them in search of a burger and chips. I could have opened the baby books in advance of having an actual baby. I could have watched some birth videos online. I could have talked to my mum. But I didn't.

Instead, I lived the pregnancy equivalent of sticking my hands in my ears and singing loudly, refusing to engage in any discussion of what was to come. Denial is the word that best describes my approach to those forty bizarre weeks spent growing a human. And yet, I wonder if I had 'put in the work' my experience would have been all that different.

According to Jennifer Pearson, probably not, reports News.com.au.

Childbirth, in all its grand and gross glory, is the subject of her new book I wish someone had told me. And when it came to preparing to have her first baby, Pearson says that she did everything right. She did everything that I failed to.

"I read lots of books, spoke to friends, attended classes and I have a PhD in Medicine, she tells me. "But still things happened to me during my labour, the birth and my first few weeks of motherhood that I hadn't heard about before I became a mum."

The magical mystery of birth is reaffirmed in all aspects of our culture, from television to movies, from chatter with strangers to intimate conversation between best friends. We rarely portray or tell stories of birth as it actually is. We present a glossy, shiny Instagram-worthy, Hallmark version of the whole process. Sadly, it leaves many women shocked and overwhelmed by the brutal reality.

Pearson recalls the ridiculous depiction of Jennifer Aniston's character, Rachel, in the 90s comedy Friends. "She's almost ready to have her baby, sitting up in the hospital bed. Her hair is in gorgeous pigtails and her make-up is immaculate.

She has a little sweat on her brow and, although she is apparently in a lot of pain (they are depicting her to be drug-free), she is totally lucid making smart comments to everyone including her obstetrician".
"This is not labour".

However for many women, the Hollywood version of labour is exactly what they're led to anticipate. I've had friends who book spray tans, full body waxing appointments and even enemas for the final week of their pregnancies.

They want to look beautiful, healthy, serene and clean during and after the birth, which is one of the messiest human processes there is. One of my mates planned to catch up on some quality TV time during her labour, boasting that she intended to fit 'a whole season of Game of Thrones in".

Before having my little boy, I was no better. I remember packing a 'sensible' size eight, shift dress and low-heels to wear in my 'going home from the hospital' photos. It was nothing too flashy or tight. I congratulated myself on being realistic. I knew I wouldn't look completely like my old self a few days after birth.

It's been two years now and I still don't fit back into that stupid frock. Sigh.

Pearson says that "while women learn a lot about how a baby is born in a textbook sense, they are often still ill-informed about the realities of childbirth; the gross and embarrassing things that nobody likes to talk about but that mothers must know before having their baby".

The gross and embarrassing things Pearson is referring to have nauseating names like mucus plug, haemorrhoids and prolapse. Most women experience at least a few of the following during pregnancy and birth: unexpected poo, thigh chaffing, increased flatulence, excessive sweating, surprise wee, pimples on the back and breasts, swollen ankles.

Now, that list will likely leave you sniggering like a schoolboy but nobody is laughing when it's happening to them.

Pearson explains that, "being caught off-guard can have a profound psychological effect on new mothers. I believe that if women are well-informed, especially about the things that people don't like to talk about or admit, there is less chance of them feeling like there is something wrong with them or they are alone if something "unexpected" happens".

But there are some occurrences that you can't possibly prepare for.

Pearson says the most surprising thing she learned in researching her book is that yes, women can orgasm during labour. It's not a myth. It is a real thing. It is the lived experience of around 0.3 per cent of new mothers. Apparently, contractions combined with the vaginal stimulation caused by a baby making its way through the birth canal, can cause orgasm.

Wow. I wish someone had told me.