Addiction recovery gave me the tools to build healthier routines, manage setbacks and grow personally. Photo / 123RF
Ten lessons from addiction therapy that help me make better decisions and keep me on track toward long-term goals.
During a year of addiction therapy to quit alcohol, tobacco and marijuana, I learned ways to stay clean and sober day-to-day. Along with helping me kick substance abuse, following these mandates greatly improved my career, mental health, energy level and close relationships.
They also gave me guidance through personal traumas, including grieving my father and losing a job, as well as navigating the pandemic and coping with political divisiveness.
“Having a firm structure is very helpful to many people when they’re struggling. It decreases anxiety and gives you a road map,” says Carlos Saavedra, a psychiatrist in Manhattan. “A regular plan of action with specific directions to follow can be empowering.”
Here are 10 lessons from rehab that led me to make better decisions and kept me on track toward long-term goals:
Instead of catastrophising in times of stress, think about the next thing you have to do - even if it’s as simple as take a shower, get dressed and arrange transportation for today’s appointment.
“Remain in the present; stop yourself from projecting ahead and anxiously over-worrying about what might happen down the road,” says Judith Burdick, a psychoanalyst in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan.
During a breast cancer scare eight years ago, I was freaking out, losing sleep over how multiple surgeries could upend my teaching contract and take over my world. I decided instead to concentrate on preparing for the biopsy (calling a car service to take me there and asking my husband to accompany me). The tests came back negative. One day at a time self-centred or one hour or one minute at a time - can make getting through stressful times more manageable.
Write down your weekly schedule beforehand, including eating, sleeping and exercise plans, and stick to it.
“To avoid isolation and loneliness, staying connected professionally, socially and spiritually is important,” Burdick says. She recommends arranging everything so your most important tasks are done early in the day, sending the world - and your psyche - a signal about your priorities.
In a spiral notebook, I list daily obligations, which I check off upon completion. I sometimes include easy items like “send a Zoom invitation” or “order in lunch” to feel I’ve accomplished something.
Safety and wellness should be your immediate concerns, and they justify being self-centred or leaving situations that could threaten your stability. Knowing that I can be extremely sensitive to the behaviours of others, I politely bow out when the people I’m with start smoking, drinking or using drugs around me. I carefully monitor who I’m spending time with and which activities I agree to try.
“In fact, self-protection and keeping the right boundaries are essential to your well-being,” Saavedra says.
Once you start forgoing professional or social events you’ve agreed to attend because you no longer feel like going, you risk becoming an inconsistent person whose emotions control your life.
“Feelings misinform,” warns Fayetteville, Arkansas, psychologist Frederick Woolverton, my former substance-abuse specialist and my co-author on the book Unhooked: How to Quit Anything. “If you’re really sick or someone else flakes out, fine. Yet otherwise pushing yourself to keep dates you’ve made in advance encourages you to be a person of your word who leads with your brain and not [be] a slave to erratic impulses.”
Saavedra adds: “Canceling diminishes your ability to deal with uncomfortable emotions that challenge you. For example, big gatherings where I don’t know anyone can be hard for me. But if I challenge myself to go, it builds my resilience and the experience can be more uplifting because I overcame emotional obstacles to get there.”
Make it a priority to exercise six days a week, if possible outside (whether it’s walking to an errand, swimming, dancing, yoga or sports). Just a quick stroll around the block can ease tension. While some colleagues use treadmill desks, I’ve taken to walking-and-talking meetings on my cellphone every night, which kicks my brain into shape, too. Try to maintain your regimen when you can, even in busy moments.
On the late afternoon of my wedding, I attended my regular 90-minute aerobics dance class. When fellow students asked, “What are you doing later?” I answered “Getting married.” A few hours later, I was grinning and glowing in the photos, from the joy of exchanging vows with my husband − and endorphins.
Anything you do, you’re more likely to continue doing. But if you’re sedentary for a week or two, inertia can set in.
After deciding what you want, come up with mundane methods to make it more likely to happen. When my fantasy was to publish a book, I listened to a best-selling mentor, who told me that “a page a day is a book a year.” I decided my job was to kick out 250 words daily.
They didn’t have to be good, just finished in time to bring seven pages to my writing critique group each week. It was their job to let me know which parts were best. It worked so well that I now have two weekly workshops with different colleagues, and my 19th book is well under way.
This might be a short list: yourself, family, students, patients or clients. Avoid needy, divisive or toxic people and any relationship that feels one-sided or negative, even if they involve relatives. Learn to calmly say “let me get back to you” or “sorry, that doesn’t work for me”.
“For relationships with unhealthy patterns, you may need a multiline defence, like silencing your phone from someone for a certain period of time,” says Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist in Los Angeles and the author of It’s Not You, a book about healing from relationships with narcissistic people. “You can disengage by not responding right away − or at all.”
While focusing on your needs, increase anything that does you or the world good with your extra energy on your schedule. I used to reply to requests in the morning; I now only briefly answer emails from students seeking guidance late at night after I’ve completed all my other chores.
When I have an important goal, I divide everyone into two categories: part of the problem or part of the solution. I’m better off at a lecture with strangers on a subject that fascinates me than at a rave with people I used to party with (who might influence me to backtrack).
“Many people who come through a positive modification, whether it’s sobriety, smoking cessation or a lifestyle transformation find the changes make them more aware of uncomfortable, unhealthy relational patterns,” Durvasula says.
Woolverton advises learning how to “suffer well.” When I try something new, I assume I’ll get rejected and make a contingency list of other options if it doesn’t work out. That way, if something I strive for happens, I’m pleasantly surprised. But when it doesn’t happen, I’m not so shocked or blindsided I can’t function.
I used to blurt out whatever I was thinking, and sometimes I alienated people inadvertently. That taught me that you can be very right − and very alone. So it’s often worth keeping quiet or compromising to avoid hurting the feelings of a loved one, colleague or client. Woolverton suggested I take a 24-hour break before responding harshly to messages or emails and to first get a reality check from someone trustworthy.
I listened. At 9am one day, I sent Woolverton the first draft of a letter addressing my insurance carrier (who refused to reimburse me for surgery that was covered) that started with insults. By 5pm, I had revised that same correspondence to begin: “Thank you so much for your help with this,” which probably led to the issue being solved amicably. Sometimes waiting hours, days or even weeks to react will lower your stress and help you get what you need.
Susan Shapiro is the author of the memoirs Lighting Up: How I Stopped Smoking, Drinking, and Everything Else I Loved in Life Except Sex and The Forgiveness Tour.
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