What do you mean you're not on Facebook?

Photo / Thinkstock

Helena McAlpine is currently looking for: Friendship, long-term spooning and my sunglasses, which may or may not be in my car somewhere. Or in the pub. Or at Steve's. I must give him a call...

Facebook. You either love it or you haven't created a page yet. There is no hating Facebook. Once you've filled in your profile, uploaded a few photos and accepted some friend requests, you're hooked. It's not so much a drug, as an extension of the modern lives we lead. Lives that require instant gratification with a certain amount of anonymity.

This is why I'm writing this blog. I can't get enough of the ultimate online social networking experience.

I love that one little status update can generate a cyber conversation that spills over into real-life and back again within hours.

We all know someone who doesn't 'do' Facebook. They cast a look of slight disdain and superior pity at you when you ask them why.

"Because", they say peering over the latest copy of Horse and Hound whilst petting their beagles and sipping a 1978 chablis, "I have REAL friends who I see face to face and an actual life to lead."

Bollocks, you think and walk away wondering if their name was 'Tarquin' in a former live.

Then there's the person who's decides they've had enough of having their life on display and having to deal with the constant barrage of friend requests, pokes, notifications and group suggestions. Let's call him John.

So what does John do? John commits Facebook Suicide. The funny thing is, he sends a group message to all of his FB Buddies, invites them to a virtual funeral and asks for cyber eulogies.

Then he hits the 'Deactivate Account' button and wonders if he should subscribe to Horse and Hound.

Around the water cooler at work the following day it's revealed that Sebastian from accounts (who John always suspected was gay) was tagged in a hilarious photo of him at the Wellington Sevens dressed as a French maid.

The following week our FB suicide is wondering why he didn't know about the beer and BBQ arvo at Karla's (who he always thought was hot).

A few days later, John hears that Karla and Sebastian have changed their relationship status on FB to 'engaged'.

Yep - the community of Facebook moves fast and shares everything. If you're not on there, you are a social sloth who gets left behind. Far, far behind.

FB Suicides or non-joiners feel superior at first. They are like your booze-drinking, good-time, part-loving buddy who decides to give up the piss. They brag about feeling 'free', clear headed, more focused, less distracted and richer in the pocket.

All of this sounds great, until they start to question why YOU'RE still getting on it three nights a week.

They continue to come out with your group of mates for while, but inevitably go home early to look for a copy of Horse and Hound to read.

When you see them next, they want a full update of what has happened; who snogged who; who drank what etc.

Then they want to see the photos.

"Well," you say, "I'd love to show you, but I don't have my camera with me. Let's go online and check them out on Facebook."

Of course, being a New Non-Drinker, they're probably a FB Suicide as well. So they don't have a page to check out.

So you use yours.

And the cycle begins again.

Our FB Suicide and New Non-Drinker mates can't resist the temptation of seeing photos from a great night out, but cannot see them because they don't have a Facebook profile. So they 'just pop' onto other people's accounts to have a peek. Then they feel a bit jealous and left out because they are not in any of the piccies. Why? Because not being on FB any more means they missed the event invitation, and not drinking means they leave the party before the the real good times start to roll.

To solve this social awkwardness, FB Suicides and New Non-Drinkers can do one of two things: Either become a Cyber Messiah and rise from the dead by reactivating their Facebook profile and then having a drink to celebrate (either the chardonnay cask or chablis will do nicely) ... or read this blog regularly to get their Facebook fix without actually having a profile.

But I would recommend having an account.

You've just GOT to check out the photos from that dress-up party last Saturday ... Steve from accounts was wearing his French maid's outfit again.

* Helena will happily accept Facebook friendship requests from people who apply with a short message.