Setting time aside for date nights can help relationships stay alive. Photo / 123RF
Three couples discuss how setting aside time away from work and chores keeps their love lives fresh and exciting.
Last month, a post by Netflix co-founder Marc Randolph went viral on LinkedIn. It wasn’t about a new hybrid working practice nor was it a profit brag. It was celebrating a different kind of success. Randolph revealed: “I have Tuesday date nights with my wife. For over 30 years, I had a hard cut-off on Tuesdays. Rain or shine, I left at exactly 5pm and spent the evening with my best friend.”
The Silicon Valley millionaire, 64, said that nothing gets in the way of Tuesday evenings – “no meeting, no conference call, no last-minute request”. As well as quality time with his wife, date night provides him with perspective. “The thing I’m most proud of in my life is not the companies I started, it’s the fact that I was able to start them while staying married to the same woman; having my kids grow up knowing me and (best as I can tell) liking me, and being able to spend time pursuing the other passions in my life.”
Such honesty is refreshing, but maybe also a little guilt-inducing. Many of us find ourselves putting more effort into our careers and domestic life than our romantic relationships.
“We never get far in life alone, and when you have a relationship built on trust, respect and love, you have a solid foundation, with the importance of communication at its core,” says life coach Simon Alexander Ong, author of Energise: Make the Most of Every Moment.
“A 75-year study conducted by researchers at Harvard University proved that relationships are the strongest factor in a life of happiness and good health.”
Here are three more couples, who have all found that date night is a gift that keeps on giving…
Actor Andrea has been married to Anthony Coombs, 70, a Tory MP-turned-company director, for 38 years. They have a grown-up son and have just co-authored a children’s book.
Andrea says:
Anthony is very charming. I met him and married him within nine months. He convinced me that when your train comes you have to catch it.
We’ve had date nights out from the very beginning. Things changed a little when he was an MP for Wyre Forest and worked long days in London – we used to meet for a lunch date in the middle in Oxford instead.
We still split our time between two homes – London and Warwickshire. It makes it even more important to set a dinner date to catch up.
There’s always an element of romance, especially if we haven’t caught up properly for days. It can feel exciting. It’s not like we declare our undying love or he spoils me with gifts, but we are together. He’ll make me laugh and he still thinks I’m hysterical!
Like Randolph suggests, after 38 years, we’ve got a lot of friends who have fallen by the wayside. Some couples are splitting up after marriages of up to 47 years, which I find shocking.
We manufacture busyness in modern life and forget about quality time. Life is full of interruptions and finding undistracted time enables you to understand each other.
Anthony says:
The secret to a happy marriage is that there isn’t one. What works for one couple is different for the next. I think you need a huge amount of luck. But most of all, you need affection and persistence.
Everyone assumes that the lines of communication are open after such a long relationship, but sometimes they’re not. Andrea will always say, “Anthony doesn’t talk to me as much as he should do.” She’s totally justified.
We don’t tend to spend time doing the same things. We will eat out instead, but it doesn’t need to be elaborate.
After a long period of time, your partner needs to know they’re still valued and I believe putting that time aside to spend with your partner, one-to-one, really helps.
Bobby and Bubba’s Small Adventures, by Anthony Coombs, is out now.
Zoe Ayre, 36, a children’s book author (@therespectfulmum) from Yorkshire has been with Andrew, 37, a sales manager, for 12 years and married for seven. They have one child, Hattie, now 18 months.
Zoe says:
I think people really underestimate what having a baby can do to a relationship. In October last year, I could see our relationship was starting to falter. We were snapping at each other and not seeing eye to eye. We sat down and had a serious talk.
I’d been very hands-on since having our baby a year earlier, so my husband and I had probably only been out once together. It was my choice to exclusively breastfeed – I still do it now – so it was hard to get away for an evening. Andy was always sympathetic to my choice but after a year, I could tell it was beginning to annoy him. Our relationship had become transactional – “Here, take the bottle”, “I’ll make dinner, you do bath” or “You sleep while I take her for a walk”. Sex was also on the backburner. To be honest, I felt touched out.
It was upsetting to have such an honest conversation with Andy, but we could see the solution was to make time for each other.
We work around Hattie, so we do “daytime dates” while she’s at nursery. Long lunches, country walks or afternoon teas in hotels. I’d love for it to be more often because on a date we’re “us”, not “Mummy and Daddy”.
Andrew says:
When Hattie turned one, I felt like Zoe and I had neglected our relationship for the benefit of keeping the baby happy. For example, I’d been sleeping in the spare room during the working week, while Zoe co-slept with Hattie. For a couple of months, that’s fine, but when you’re a year down the line and you realise you’ve only had a few cuddles, then it’s going to have an impact.
The strength of mine and Zoe’s relationship did mean we could be open during our chat. When you become a parent, everyone talks about sleep deprivation, but nobody talks about how your relationship changes. I think it’s one of the biggest shifts in your life.
The date times really help us but it would be good to have more frequency, and for longer. I make an effort to compliment Zoe and appreciate what she does for our daughter, but what I need more of is physical affection.
Charlotte Leigh, 41, CEO of Lottie Leigh fine jewellery, lives in London with her husband of 13 years, Jamie, also 41, owner of howardpropertyservices.com They have two young children.
Charlotte says:
I am a firm believer in date nights. Although in reality we do it twice a month rather than weekly. Making each other laugh is imperative for our marriage. Our work lives are very stressful as we run two businesses.
It’s hard for us to switch off at 6pm – my brain keeps ticking and Jamie’s work can be 24/7. We also have the kids to deal with. During the day I wear my work hat, then after school I pop on my Mummy hat, but there’s not much time for me to be a wife.
I push for the date nights more than Jamie because I come from a divorced family (unlike him). I like to recapture the early days of our relationship – we switch off our phones, dress up and go out for drinks.
I wouldn’t say date nights are like relationship homework, because that’s boring! For me it’s about giving your marriage a service, making sure you’re both connected. Otherwise you just become housemates.
It’s a time to connect physically as well. We’ll hold hands, hug and kiss and do all the things that we usually forget to do. And it definitely gives me a spring in my step the next day!
Jamie says:
Charlotte and I have been together for 22 years and married for 11 of those, so we’ve really grown up together. It’s been important to stay close and date nights help do that.
We’re fairly traditional in the sense that we’ll make an effort to look nice and go somewhere special. I’ll book the restaurant in advance, but I don’t turn up with flowers or pick up the bill. We have a joint account for that.
I love spending time just the two of us. We won’t talk about work, but we do share stories and Charlotte is a great support for me and vice versa. If we didn’t make an effort with date night, we’d never have time alone.
I love seeing Charlotte sat across the table from me. She always looks nice – and I make a point of telling her that, even though she doesn’t always believe me! It’s a reminder of what a good thing I’ve got. Time passes quickly, and it’s easy to miss each other. I wouldn’t ever give up our date nights.
Charlotte and I have been together for 22 years and married for 11 of those, so we’ve really grown up together. It’s been important to stay close and date nights help do that.
We’re fairly traditional in the sense that we’ll make an effort to look nice and go somewhere special. I’ll book the restaurant in advance, but I don’t turn up with flowers or pick up the bill. We have a joint account for that.
I love spending time just the two of us. We won’t talk about work, but we do share stories and Charlotte is a great support for me and vice versa. If we didn’t make an effort with date night, we’d never have time alone.
I love seeing Charlotte sat across the table from me. She always looks nice – and I make a point of telling her that, even though she doesn’t always believe me! It’s a reminder of what a good thing I’ve got. Time passes quickly, and it’s easy to miss each other. I wouldn’t ever give up our date nights.
Pick your time carefully
It does not work if one partner has to sacrifice something important in order to make it happen. If you have children, arrange a babysitter for an hour or two extra if possible, so that you are not pressed to return home to a deadline.
Think about your appearance
Date nights should be a low-pressure activity because otherwise what’s the point? Some couples like to dress up as a reminder of why they fell in love in the first place. But the point is that you should feel good.
What to talk about
A date night is a great time to express why you appreciate your partner and what you love about them. For busy couples, this is a great time to slow down and catch up on everything that has been going on. Think about future plans and fun times ahead.
What not to talk about
This time is to connect, have a laugh, enjoy the freedom of getting out alone and sparking up the romance. If there is something around work, in-laws or a moan you want to get off your chest, sort it out at the beginning quickly and move on to happier things.
Show some affection
Go with the flow. Kissing, holding hands and affectionate body language is a great way to show love on a date night. If things progress from there, go for it – but don’t feel pressured to make anything happen artificially.
Sami Wunder is a leading international dating and relationship coach.
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