Wendyl Nissen with her husband Paul and his non-alcoholic Strawberry Surprise. Photo / Supplied
Wendyl Nissen with her husband Paul and his non-alcoholic Strawberry Surprise. Photo / Supplied
Journalist Wendyl Nissen's home was often described by friends as the Bermuda Triangle - once you entered you couldn't leave sober. In this extract from her new book, she talks about cutting back on alcohol.
Getting sober - there was a time when I would have read that heading and skipped over this bit. When you are in the habit of drinking, you tell yourself that it's the only fun you get in your busy life. That it is a harmless habit; everyone does it. That people who don't drink are boring.
While I was writing this section, my daughter Hannah asked me what my 30s were like, as she is in her 30s now. I replied that I think I was mostly drunk. I had a baby die, a broken marriage, I met [now husband] Paul, married, had another baby and pulled together a blended family while editing weekly magazines. Hannah sympathised. Alcohol definitely got me through my 30s so I'm not going to give it a hard time for that.
I recently interviewed TV presenter, broadcaster and musician Anika Moa, who had been sober for 100 days and counting. She told me that stopping drinking was the best decision she ever made.
Anika Moa told Nissen that stopping drinking was the best decision she ever made. Photo / John Stone
I know what she was talking about because Paul has been sober for a year and has been saying much the same thing.
There are many reasons people stop drinking, but I think the biggest one is that your mind and body feel better and there is the ability to take back control from something that can start to rule your life.
But it's not easy and it means that for a while you have to steer clear of people who love to drink and really don't like it if you don't.
Social pressure to drink as a group is still very strong in this country and for some reason it's my age group who are doing most of the pressuring. The younger generation seem to have got it sorted and would never pressure each other to drink if they didn't want to.
But I've had people really, really badger me at social functions to drink with them. They won't let it drop, as if the fact that I'm not partaking of the fluid means I've let the side down. On one occasion it was 11am and I was driving and had just popped in to say hi.
There are some occasions when I give in and say "Okay, just one", then just quietly deposit it on a table somewhere. Just to keep the peace. It's really annoying actually, not to mention wasteful, so I largely avoid those people now.
I haven't given up completely, unlike Paul. Like many people I love, he cannot have just one glass of wine. One glass leads on and on until there are empty bottles. It's just the way he drinks. He blames his Irish genes.
I am fortunate enough to be able to have one or two and enjoy them and then have a cup of tea. I will also drink more than one if I'm in good company and having a pleasant time. But I have control over what I want to do. Paul doesn't. The wine takes over.
So he stopped, with remarkably little fuss, as is his way. He just stopped one day and that was it. No AA meetings, no relapses. Just stopped. He did the same when he stopped smoking. It would be fair to say that he has transferred his love of evening alcoholic cocktails to a love of evening non-alcoholic cocktails, on which he has become somewhat of an expert, exploring Seedlip and Lyre's non-alcoholic offerings that taste like rum, whisky, gin and so on.
But that's fine. He's happy and has never looked healthier. He's lost weight, doesn't fall asleep watching TV any more and he sleeps well for the first time in his adult life.
And what I found out when he stopped was that I am a social drinker. If you're having a drink I'll join you, but I will not drink alone. It just doesn't make sense. I also don't need to drink every night to be happy. So I go weeks, sometimes months, without a drink when we are together in the Hokianga.
Nissen says she has only "overdone it" once recently, with actress Rena Owen (pictured in character), who was trying to get home after a long day that included a stage performance. Photo / Supplied
And when I catch up with my friends in Auckland I'll have a drink and only once in the past year have I overdone it. That was me at SPQR in Ponsonby at closing time on a Tuesday, chatting enthusiastically to actress Rena Owen, who was trying to get home after a long day that included a stage performance earlier that night. Sorry, Rena.
When you stop drinking you also have to change the way you socialise. It would be fair to say that Paul and I once operated a fairly social house in Grey Lynn where friends would congregate frequently and the wine would flow and flow and flow. One friend once referred to our home as the Bermuda Triangle because once you entered you couldn't leave sober.
Recently we had a group of friends to stay up north and had plenty of wine and spirits available, but Paul also had some knock-out alcohol-free cocktails for them to try. when they arrived they all told us that they weren't drinking. These were friends we would drink with regularly just a few years earlier. So we sat at dinner two nights in a row and had lovely conversations and laughs as we always do and noticed very little difference except that we were all in bed by 10.30 instead of 2am.
We've also noticed that hardly any of us drink at family gatherings any more. At our last gathering only two out of the 10 of us were drinking and even then they only drank half a bottle of red wine and took the rest home.
So I think things are changing and I certainly hope so. Alcohol has been a negative in my life. As a child growing up with parents who drank heavily. As a parent trying to keep my drunk children safe. As a partner trying to keep my drunk partner safe. As a friend trying to keep my drunk friends safe. And as a woman trying to keep my drunk self safe.
It's also interesting how many things become normalised when you drink. When a friend went into rehab years ago, I had no idea he was an alcoholic. Then I realised that when I wanted to get in touch with him I rang the 24-hour bar where he could be found most of the time.
Journalist Wendyl Nissen says she has cut back on alcohol. Photo / Jane Ussher
Not drinking is freeing on every level. It's just so much better for me not to miss sleep because the alcohol wakes me up at 2am, or not to wake up feeling like shit and regretting saying or doing something I shouldn't have. Lovely.
If you are a drinker that is fine, but do take a moment to think about how you react when a friend isn't drinking. For some it is a terrible addiction and so incredibly hard to give up. For others, like me, it's just that I choose not to. Either way, as a friend your support is not only appreciated but badly needed. Never pressure anyone to drink if they don't want to. They're not boring — you are — especially when you've had too many.
I've just read this back and you're right, non-drinkers can be boring because they get preachy. I apologise for my preaching — please be assured that I don't do this when I'm out. And to non-drinkers who might be tempted to preach, perhaps you could share some gossip or a recipe instead.
What I have just described is one person giving up the drink and another not drinking much at all. Neither of us were fighting a serious addiction problem. Addiction is something I know a bit about, having supported a few people in and out of recovery, but I can't fully understand it as I haven't been there myself.
What I do know is that addiction is thorough and binding and when it is active it makes people neglect themselves and others they love. It makes them lie. It makes them do things they would never dream of doing sober, to feed that addiction. It is a disease and fighting it takes every bit of strength your soul can offer. And sometimes even that is just not enough.
So my cheerful piece about how we gave up drinking does not apply to those people who really struggle. Who sit in rooms around the country just trying to get through another day. Who head in and out of recovery hoping that this time it will stick. And if you know someone with an addiction, then please be there for them. Don't walk away. Don't tell yourself that they just don't have enough sticking power, that they should try harder. Be there, throughout it all, up and down and in the room with them until they tell you to leave them to it. Which may be never.
Nissen and her husband's non-alcoholic Strawberry Surprise. Photo / Supplied
A strawberry surprise
As more and more people choose not to drink alcohol, the need for a grownup substitute beverage has also grown. No one can drink that much fruit juice or soft drink. What's missing from those alternatives is a certain tang that makes a drink something you want to sip rather than quaff.
Supermarkets and liquor stores now have a range of non-alcoholic alternatives that slightly mimic the flavours of gin, bourbon, rum and other standard spirits. Seedlip and Lyre's are the brands you're most likely to find, although supply can be a bit hit-and-miss. They are still not common in country stores, either, so Paul stocks up in town whenever he sees them. A couple of bottles of these along with a pair of shrubs, some bitters and mixers like tonic water will give you a huge variety of drinks you can mix and match to your taste. Here are two to get you started, but do experiment for yourself to find the ones you like best.
2 parts Seedlip Citrus 1 part strawberry lime shrub (see below) 3 parts tonic water generous dash orange bitters
Stir together all ingredients over ice in a chilled glass and serve with an olive or a slice of lemon — or, if you really want to push the boat out, a slice of lemon and a slice of orange.
Strawberry lime shrub
2 cups sliced strawberries 1 cup sugar 1 cup apple cider vinegar zest from 1 lime
Put the strawberries, sugar and lime zest in a sterilised jar and muddle the strawberries with the sugar. Loosely place a lid on the jar and let it sit on your kitchen counter for two days.
Add the apple cider vinegar to the jar and stir to combine. Strain into another sterilised jar using a fine-meshed strainer. Store covered in the fridge for up to 6 weeks.
Natural Care by Wendyl Nissen.
Natural Care By Wendyl Nissen Published by Allen & Unwin RRP: $45 Out now
