All mums need to know these twenty things. Photo / 123RF
All mums need to know these twenty things. Photo / 123RF
So your kid’s first squeal is ‘Happy Meal’. Here’s the real deal on parenting pitfalls.
Before I had babies, I was fully prepared - hey, I owned both What to Expect When You're Expectingand What to Expect - The Toddler Years. Fully sorted. Totally covered. Nailed it. But there are some things, some little kernels of truth, which you don't read about in the approximately one million pages of these books. Some things you just learn on the ground. So let me impart my parenting wisdom.
Think of me as the Mr Miyagi to your Karate Kid, your Jedi master, if you will. The Donald Trump to your Apprentice. Actually, don't think about Trump, because once you do, all you'll be able to focus on is how it's almost worth hoping he becomes President of the United States just so you can see how his hair copes with getting on and off the presidential helicopter.
Sorry, where was I? Ah yes, parenting wisdom. Although calling it wisdom might be a bit strong. Let's just call it Mel's List of Parenting Truths.
1. All of the Lego myths are true. You will cripple yourself when you stand on one of those small toys of torture. Usually at 2am.
2. You'll overdo the first birthday party. Your babe doesn't have a clue what's going on, but you'll bake an amazing cake that they can't eat and have incredible decorations that they pay no attention to, because yes, it is a competition and other parents are judging you.
3. Your first born won't touch McDonald's or any junk food until they're at least 4. You'll gloat at coffee group that they've never had a Happy Meal.
4. Your subsequent children's first words will be Happy Meal.
5. You'll pretend you don't know where on Earth your 2-year-old could have possibly heard the f-word when he utters it, loudly, in a crowded restaurant as he drops his spoon. You will secretly be pleased that he has used it so well in context. (f*** it is a good response to dropping your spoon at any age).
6. Toys that talk, and are - at worst - mildly annoying during the day, turn into Satan's playthings when they go off for no conceivable reason at three in the morning.
7. That special snuggly toy that your child can't go to sleep without will be in the first place you looked, but you won't find it until you look again - that's after combing the house, car, and bits in-between for an hour and a half with an increasingly hysterical toddler on your hip.
8. Keys really can be lost for days.
9. Toddlers are useless at retracing their steps.
10. You will lick food off your baby's head. When you carry your baby in a front back, and accidentally drop tomato sauce on their head, don't kid yourself, you'll lick it off.
11. You will spend about six years of your life looking for that other sock, that other shoe, that shin pad, that homework book.
12. You will constantly be trying to create the perfect sticker/reward chart that actually works with your child.
13. You will get sticker/reward chart envy when visiting your friends with their perfect gold-star children.
14. You will get gold-star children envy.
15. You will develop a slight fear of flying after having children and insist that you all hold hands during take-off, because if you go down in a fiery heap, at least you'll do it holding hands. Well, that's your reasoning, anyway.
All mums know which one is the hottest Wiggle. Photo / Supplied
16. You'll get why your mum used to dance even more wildly and throw in the odd "woohoo" when you told her to stop dancing because "Ewww, you're so embarrassing, Mum".
Because it's fun. And ain't nobody stopping this mama from getting her groove on.
17. You'll probably cry, or at least well up, when you see your child in their first school play or dance recital. Because they're so cute and that's your baby!
18. You'll suddenly understand the appeal of the seven-seater people mover. You'll try to convince all of your childless friends that no really, the Honda Odyssey is a thing of beauty. So practical. So spacious. Even a bit sexy.
19. You'll harbour grudges. If another adult, who is not a direct family member, says something vaguely derogatory about your child, you will remember. And you'll always like them just that little bit less. Always. Watch your back. Hell hath no fury like a mother whose children have been dissed.
20. Arguments with other mums about who is the hottest Wiggle can last well over half an hour. You know you are right when you say Captain Feathersword. Yes ... he does count.
