Verity Johnson: Self-righteous? I just want to be understood

"Check your privilege" could be rewritten as "think about be people, be compassionate and be nice." Photo / Thinkstock

There is nothing more annoying than self-righteousness.

(Except people who pronounce specific, "pacific". The Pacific is an ocean. It is full of fish. It is also where I will throw anyone, after poking them repeatedly with fiery sticks, that says this. Sorry, bro.)

It's also unfortunately irritatingly common among lefties like me. We don't mean to be annoying. It's just an unconscious habit. I realised this the other day when I was telling my brother to "check his privilege".

You've heard this phrase before right? It's a favourite among us lefties. We most commonly use it when we think you're making an assumption from a position that doesn't take into account the experiences of other important groups. E.g. if I say, "the police are such lovely people," then you'd say, "Verity, check your white, Shore Girl privilege."

I used it the other day when my brother said he didn't understand how I could feel conspicuous in public in Turkey. (See last week's column.) I told him to check his male privilege. He told me to stop being so up myself. Semi-chewed bits of bread flew across the table. Our parents began to wish they'd considered contraception.

He argued he wouldn't "check his privilege" because firstly it was a self-righteous phrase he rejected on principle. Secondly, it was a dumb idea.

At the time I just assumed he was being pig-headed. But then I started to think about how he could say that. When we're not spitting mashed carbs at each other, I know my brother is one of the most intelligent, sensitive and compassionate people I know. So why wouldn't he agree with the idea of checking his privilege?

See, to me the phrase means this. There are contexts where someone will have a natural advantage. They might be male, or young, or rich or a native language speaker.

Sometimes these advantages are entrenched in the system. The idea of "checking your privilege" is simply thinking about the situation you're in, wondering whether other people feel the same, and if they don't then trying to make them feel more comfortable.

E.g. if you take a friend to a fancy restaurant and they don't normally eat out, think about this and how you can make them feel comfortable.

Basically, "check your privilege" could be rewritten as, "think about people, be compassionate and be nice". So why wouldn't my brother agree with this?

But the more I think about this the more I realise I've often heard other interpretations of the phrase.

I've often heard people say they think it's stupid. They object to the idea that they should feel guilty for their privilege. Firstly, they didn't really know it existed. Secondly, they didn't ask for advantages.

So is it their problem to apologise for? And how are they supposed to "check" or give up this advantage anyway? Should they even give it up?

Inequality occurs naturally and it's just a part of life. Some people are born looking like Naomi Campbell. How do they "check" that hot girl privilege? Wear a sack? No, people say, this whole idea is dumb.

You can see there is a significant difference in interpretation here.

One interpretation assumes "check your privilege" is about feeling guilty for a situation. It comes uncomfortably close to sounding like white guilt. The other version puts the emphasis on being compassionate and thoughtful. It says, "Okay, you've got an advantage, just don't be dick about it. Help others too."

The second version is the one that I, and a lot of other lefties, mean when we say "check your privilege". But that's obviously not coming across.

I reckon the phraseology is to blame here. The phrase sounds aggressive and off-putting - it feels like, "Check your privilege, bitch!" It is such an aggressive term that it feels like you're trying to make the other person feel guilty.

So I know it's snappy, but we really need a better phrase. The current one obscures its message and also makes us sound like dicks. How great it that?

Whilst we're finding out, just remember that if someone says this to you, they're trying to ask you to be thoughtful. And also try not to punch them in the face for being pompous. We know. We're working on it.

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