Verity Johnson: Lingering over lingerie isn't creepy

You're trying to express love, affection and 'don't leave me!' in one gift-wrapped parcel. Photo / Babiche Martens.

But remember guys, it’s important to buy a Christmas present your girlfriend will actually wear.

It has begun.

There are fisticuffs over ornamental garden features. There is eye gouging over ferret-patterned coasters. There is battering to death of underpaid shop girls with relaxation candles.

The Christmas shoppers are out for everyone to see. Some people become forces of nature at Christmas. They eye up the competitors and snarl, "I ain't leavin' without that 90 per cent polyester tangerine parrot. Bring it, bitch!"

Others, like me, break out into cold sweats when the mall fills up. We dive into our nearest oasis.

Normally, mine is a lingerie shop. The best of them are quiet, thickly carpeted, and you can pad around them without too much interrogation.

But they're not so peaceful at this time of year.

Instead, they fill up with boyfriends and husbands. Guys hover between aisles, trying to buy g-strings without actually looking at the rack they're on. Husbands rifle through their memory banks, trying to remember labels and sizes. "Was it A ... B ... C ... 1 ... 2 ... wait, that's a song ..."

Now, I've always had an unhealthy obsession with these wisps of coloured fabric. I find everything - from the history of knickers to current French lingerie market growth - fascinating.

I don't know why. I probably had a traumatic incident with a sports bra when I was a nipper. But anyway, I'm hooked.

My girlfriends know this. Every now and then, they request a few pointers. Now that it's Christmas, my guy mates have started to sidle up to me. "Hey, Vee" they mutter, "I want to get my girlfriend some underwear, but I feel kinda creepy ... help?"

I should point out that I am not an expert in the delicate arts of d'colletage drapery. I am just willing to talk about it. And, in the absence of expertise, enthusiasm will have to do.

So if you're a bemused boyfriend in Bendon, I hope this helps.

The most common thing you hear guys say is, "I don't want to look creepy". Personally, I've never thought that seeing a guy picking through a rack of knickers is creepy. Of course, only if the guy's in a shop. It's a different story if you pull out a rack of undies at the dentist. Most customers in a lingerie shop are too busy to worry about any bloke. They're trying to work out where all the little strappy bits go.

Of course, you may also be stressed that your choice says the wrong thing. It must say Penelope Cruz in Paris, not Linda Lovelace in a grubby cinema.

You also probably want something your girlfriend would actually like. And actually wear. The liking/wearing part is important. Because every girl has said to her girlfriends at some point, "This makes me feel like an elephant in a tutu". And when that happens, nobody ends up happy.

So before you buy anything, think about her style. How does one pick these perfect panties?

If her style is sexy, tomboy minimalism, try Calvin Klein. They excel in slinky, silky and clean-cut pieces in solid colours. If she's got a more elegant, delicate and retro vibe, then go for something like Lonely. Armani Underwear also has some cute designs for more playful styles.

It's always best to shop in the flesh for underwear. Just so you don't accidentally buy something that looks like a Rocky Horror costume. You can get all of these in NZ shops, just Google the stockists. If in doubt, dip into Smith & Caughey's.

But the internet houses some beauties too. If she's got raunchier tastes, Agent Provocateur can raise a pulse. And La Perla is for ladies with sophisticated, lacy Italian inclinations.

If all else fails, pop along to Bendon. They've got Stella McCartney there, and anything from Stella McCartney gets a universal yes. Trust me.

The final stress point of the ordeal is the buying process. Shop girls will hover on your shoulder, with hyperactive happiness, eager to guide you to the till. It's stressful at the best of times. Let alone you're trying to express love, affection and "don't leave me!" in one gift-wrapped parcel.

Here is where you need to be prepared. You will be asked, in painstaking detail, her precise size.

So before you go out, take a photo of your girlfriend's bra label.

Are you thinking, "pft, I know that"? Do it anyway.

Hopefully that sorts out a few knots. It's a deceptively devilish process after all. But if all else fails, just remember, think twice before picking anything pleather.