Vacuous words on empty Gilligan's Island

That's our Rach. Just about the first thing we heard her say on The Real Gilligan's Island (last night, 7.30, TV2) was "God knows, things can come out of my mouth for no reason at all."

So there was no reason at all, God knows, for her to inform the skipper of her team that "I have no underwear on". Tsk, tsk, Rach. Didn't your mum teach you how to pack for an island holiday?

Perhaps Rach just figured that, if you have to go to a tropical island and play a game that is Survivor but with already built huts, hammocks and a shower, knickers are just going to take up valuable space in your suitcase. And, because the gag is that she is one team's Ginger, she has to wear an evening frock and baubles. As we all know, bling takes up a lot of space in a girl's luggage.

The premise of The Real Gilligan's Island is that there are two teams, each made up of the main characters on the other Gilligan's Island - the pretend one, presumably.

Just how this Gilligan's Island is real has so far eluded me. Rachel, and her counterpart on the other team, the other Real Movie Star, are real movie stars. Nicole Eggert is the other real movie star. She's been in Baywatch, apparently. But our Rach has been on, aah, Shortland Street so it stands to reason that she must be more real. Bits of her. Possibly. Nicole said of her rival: "It's not really like going head-to-head. It's like going head-to-boobs."

No contest, then.

Alas, or perhaps not, Rach was upstaged by one of the Real Millionaires, a hatchet-faced harridan called Donna. Donna is opinionated. She doesn't like Democrats or, said her husband with pride, "gay displays" and she's pretty sure that "there's people out there having sex with snakes and such". One lives in hope.

When Skipper Bob collapsed during the first challenge, Rach and her team mates stopped to help him. They lost the challenge, and Rach lost it with Hatchet Face. Not that Hatchet Face gave a damn. Rach's team were just jealous, and losers. In a race, said the Real Millionaire, "you hope one of your competitors breaks down".

I was hoping Rach would strangle her with a pair of knickers but, as we already knew, she didn't go prepared.

The tape TV2 sent fizzled out about five minutes before the end, so I don't know how it all turned out. Either that or the TV set finally rebelled at having to screen this twaddle. Either way, who cares? We've seen Rach in skimpier get-ups, should that be intended to be the attraction. We've seen Survivor, Part 307. We know it's not, actually, real. And did anyone actually think the original, the un-real Gilligan's Island, was must-remake TV, in any guise?