Melissa Stokes says her background as a journalist taught her to keep pushing for help for her son, who has ADHD. Photo / Jae Frew
TVNZ 1News at Six presenter Melissa Stokes beams as she describes her oldest son.
“Hugo is a wild ride to be a parent of”, she says. “He starts every morning like an Energiser Bunny. He jumps out of bed and yells, in our very small house, ‘Good morning, New Zealand!’… He’s such a bright, sunny kid.”
But a few years ago, Hugo was far from bright and sunny, and Stokes says it was a terrible time.
“We knew he’d been having problems at school. Then, when he was about 6 or 7, the teachers said to us ‘umm… we think Hugo is on the verge of a breakdown’.”
Stokes is speaking to Sonia Gray on this week’s episode of the Herald podcast No Such Thing as Normal, in the second of two episodes on parenting a neurodivergent child.
Despite several referrals, Stokes said public help for them was non-existent. “We were so lucky to be in a position to go private,” she says. “And it was clear, early on, that he had ADHD.”
Judgment from society is something many parents deal with, and Stokes says she struggles with it. Like many neurodivergent kids, Hugo can easily get dysregulated, which - particularly when he was younger - often led to meltdowns.
“We were repeatedly told to do parenting courses,” she says. “To help his behaviour, to help us manage his behaviour, but I just knew they weren’t right for us.”
Parenting courses are often the first port of call, and educational psychologist Willow Sainsbury says this can be perceived by parents as a confirmation of the “bad-parent” identity they’re already carrying.
Sainsbury has done extensive research on the experiences of families seeking neurodivergent diagnoses and support for their children. She says reading feedback from parents completely changed her perspective on how, and when, parenting courses should be suggested.
“As a clinician I would often recommend parenting courses”, she says. “But in my study, parents explained just how that messaging was received. When they begin the diagnostic process for their child, they are already carrying so much guilt. Have they done everything they can as a parent? What more can they do? They are told it’s not their fault, and then immediately it’s recommended that they go on a parenting course.”
Sainsbury says many of the parents understood a parenting course could be useful, but that it felt like yet another “gatekeeper” to getting a diagnosis and support for their children.
Melissa Stokes says her background as a journalist has been a blessing when it comes to seeking support for Hugo.
“You’ve just got to keep fronting up. If you don’t get an answer, you have to go again. If they don’t answer that email, go in person,” she says. “I’m very tenacious about getting help for Hugo when he needs it”.
And Stokes’ tenacity has paid off. “We’re in a really great place right now”, she says. “Are our mornings absolute s***? Yes. Can Hugo organise anything? No. But he’s exceptional…he has a brain that works in such an exciting and curious way”.
No Such Thing as Normal is an NZ Herald podcast, hosted by Sonia Gray, with new episodes available every Saturday.
Season One won Best History & Documentary Podcast at the 2024 NZ Radio and Podcast Awards, and was one of Apple Podcast’s Most Shared series in 2023.
The series was made with the support of NZ on Air.
You can listen to it on iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.
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